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An Astrologer’s Sex Guide for Men Who Don’t Care About Astrology

Let me tell you something you probably already know: Women fucking love astrology.

We’ve always been revered as vessels of the universe’s energies — from the ancient Grecian Goddess Artemis to conjuring queens in New Orleans. To be in touch with the universe as a woman is to be in touch with yourself. After all, the moon’s phases echo those of our monthly cycle. Not to mention, astrology serves as the cosmic guide for navigating our daily lives — both internally and externally.

Let me tell you something else you probably already know: Men don’t give a shit about astrology. In fact, your eyes are probably already glazed over. Yes, it’s pseudoscience, and yes, its perceived lack of grounding in logic has resulted in its being dragged by scientists, theorists and most modern men. Astrology, however, is based on geometry, physics and psychology. Plus, if it inspired Sir Isaac Newton, Carl Jung and Dante Alighieri to look deeper into the universe’s profound influence, you should feel pretty safe about glancing at your own horoscope every once in a while, too.

Because here’s the thing: Astrology can give you insight into potential career paths, the arguments you have with your siblings, the best ways to get motivated before a training session and much more. But we’ll save all of that for other installments of our Astrologer’s Guide.

For now, let’s focus on sex.

Your sign determines how you’re gonna fuck. Whether it’s with her; with him; with him and her; him, him and her; or her, her and him, all of your secret fetishes and peccadilloes are laid out in the stars. It’s really that simple.

Here then is a basic breakdown of how freaky (or not) each of the signs get:

Aries (March 21 to April 19): If you’re a person who likes adventurous, energetic sex, bang an Aries. They’re ruled by Mars (the Warrior), which means not only do they like calling the shots, they like a challenge in the bedroom (and they like it rough). Their whole thing, however, is moving quickly from one thing to the next, so keeping it fresh in the bedroom is a must for these people. In other words, bust out the toys, the handcuffs and the blindfold (probably all at once).
Taj Tip: You’ve got to be a strong, confident person to really get an Aries going. If you aren’t, don’t expect the sex to last longer than the time it takes for them to get off.

Taurus (April 20 to May 20): When a Taurus tells you they’re going to “fuck you all night,” don’t scoff or roll your eyes— they mean it. The sex is one-note (i.e., the same position all night), but Taurans are good at what they do. This bull, the symbol of Taurus, is sensual and earthy, so it’s not uncommon for them to bring food into the bedroom as well.
Taj Tip: Keep your suggestions to yourself. Taurans are also the most stubborn sign in the zodiac.

Gemini (May 21 to June 20): If you’re looking for a fun, detached night, the Gemini is for you. Their ability to adapt to new situations means they’re down to try anything once (or twice), and they won’t mind when you sneak out in the middle of the night (if they don’t beat you to it).
Taj Tip: Gemini is an intellectual sign, so dirty-talk and mind games work as aphrodisiacs for them. So go for the head, not the heart.

Cancer (June 21 to July 22): Cancers are notoriously sappy and cuddly. Strangely, though, they typically don’t do the initiating. But once you gain their trust, they’re some of the sweetest, most considerate lovemakers around. This is also a lover who likes some ambiance (e.g., good wine, good tunes and good candles).
Taj Tip: Keep your home cozy; if you don’t, Cancers will judge you and sulk in the corner. That’s the kind of needy we’re talking about here.

Leo (July 23 to August 22): Leos are extra. Keep that in mind when you’re dealing with how dramatic and performative they are during sex. They need to be the center of attention at all times, so they’re relatively possessive lovers. (Threesomes, therefore, may be out of the question.) They’re also playful in bed, like the other fire signs Aries and Sagittarius. That said, they expect to be congratulated for their efforts and don’t really care to hear about your previous sexual experiences.
Taj Tip: Leos are notoriously bossy, so if you’re a sub looking for a dom, pick the Leo.

Virgo (August 23 to September 22): Although the “Virgin” is the symbol of the Virgo, Virgos are the exact opposite — nasty closet freaks. They’re pretty down to try anything (like their mercurial fellow Geminis) and tend toward the submissive side (in a BDSM, public humiliation kind of way). Because of their impulse toward perfectionism, Virgos are possibly the most accommodating lovers, but the minute you criticize their technique or fondness for fetish, they close off — so watch your tone with them.
Taj Tip: Virgos are nitpicky and unforgiving when it comes to the environment they sex in, so if you’re a messy person, don’t even flirt with them.

Libra (September 23 to October 22): Libras may appear to be people-pleasers, but they’re actually quite sneaky and will charm their way into your pants faster than any other zodiac sign. They’re pretty flexible in bed (mostly because they can’t ever decide what they want), and they’re typically flirty and lighthearted. Finally, Libras have a need for balance, so expect to reciprocate. Or more to the point, a blowjob must be rewarded with equal amounts of oral for them.
Taj Tip: Dirty talk really isn’t their thing. Anything unpleasant will turn them off instantly.

Scorpio (October 23 to November 21): Every time someone says “Scorpio,” people get horny. Just don’t expect them to feel the same about you. Although Scorpios are intense and all about melting into another person with their burning passion, they’re not the biggest fans of one-night stands. Once you’re on their radar however, they’re smoldering and sensual. Scorpio represents the introverted expression of Mars — i.e., their specialty is reading people’s internal motivations. Better put, they’ll give you exactly what you want without you ever having to ask for it.
Taj Tip: If you want something lighthearted, stay away.

Sagittarius (November 22 to December 21): Sagittarians are generous with the orgasms, but they also get bored relatively quickly (like their sister signs Aries and Leo), which means you’ll have to keep their attention if you want to keep them. Because they’re constantly striving toward self-enlightenment and higher ideals, it’s common for them to experiment sexually — if you’ve been wanting to try a threesome (or sex with a party larger than three), a Sagittarius is open-minded enough to take it there.
Taj Tip: Sagittarians are unabashedly kinky and blunt when it comes to sexy talk. If you’re the sensitive or safe type, you’ll bore these people to tears.

Capricorn (December 22 to January 19): Everyone knows Capricorns are sticks in the mud. And they may well be — in public. But in private, they’re the kinkiest of the zodiac — like, “Wow, I didn’t realize you had a sex dungeon that you built yourself in your basement” kinky. Capricorns are all about power, so if you’re into bondage, go for this satanic sea-goat. Lastly, Capricorns aren’t so much into dirty talk or frivolous displays of sexuality—they want to get right down to business.
Taj Tip: Capricorns do not like airing their dirty laundry. If you put them on blast on social media or start texting them too much, they’ll immediately cut you off without remorse.

Aquarius (January 20 to February 18): Aquarians are the masters of polyamory. They’re also classic “sapiosexuals”: They’re more interested in what you know than how good you are at sex. Essentially, they’re into anything unconventional. So if you’ve got a furry fetish you’ve been waiting to explore with someone, this is probably the sign for you.
Taj Tip: Aquarians are the most detached sign in the zodiac, so don’t act desperate. They’ll ignore you, then proceed to flirt with your friends in front of you.

Pisces (February 19 to March 20): Pisces are the hardest sign to pin down. They’re represented by two fish swimming in opposite directions, so there’s an inherent paradox happening within them at all times. Because of their tendency toward second-guessing, they can sometimes distract themselves from the physical act of sex. At the same time, foreplay is something they cherish, and they’re really good at it since it ensures that their lover is pleased.
Taj Tip: Pisces are fans of escape, so having a couple drinks, smoking some weed or even watching a movie before you get down should do the trick.