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All the Strange, Sad Ways Men Fake Their Orgasms

She can’t tell the difference if you just spit on her back instead, right? RIGHT?!?!

If you have a vagina, faking an orgasm seems easy-peasy. Just make a few mildly believable noises, clench a bit and you’re all set. Because let’s face it, there’s no evidence to the contrary. You have to take her at her word — or (fake) moans. 

The traditional male orgasm, on the other hand, leaves a, uh, trail. Thus, for people with penises, faking an orgasm is much trickier. And yet, some 25 percent of men say they’ve faked one before. But given the physical evidence that must follow such a lie, how exactly do they do so? Well, allow me to count a few of the ways…

1) Spit on Her Back

“I’d just started dating this girl, and she wanted to have sex,” says 26-year-old Adam. “I flipped her on her stomach and was hitting it from the back, but I was super late for work and I KNEW it wasn’t going to happen. So I built up a fair amount of spit in my mouth, pulled out, waited a beat and then dripped it onto her back.”

2) Quickly Dispose of the Condom

“I’ve faked orgasms numerous times,” 55-year-old Joe tells me. “When wearing a condom, it’s obviously much easier to fake. I’ve tried to fake them without a condom, but I’ve almost always been asked if I came and then admit that I didn’t. I’ve never had a problem delaying orgasm, but it gets a little harder to cum during sex every year I get older. In fact, I rarely can cum now without some kind of dirty talk and kink.”

3) Seriously, Get Rid of the Condom as Fast as You Can

“In college, I was seeing this girl who I met through some friends at a party,” explains 30-year-old Chris. “Everything seemed cool until we had sex for the first time. She made a very big deal about wearing a condom, which is totally cool — I’ve always been into that, especially the first time. But as she’s riding me, I can tell that the condom is causing both of us discomfort. At the same time, however, I can tell that she’s trying to ignore it and faking how much she’s enjoying it. I appreciated that, but when two people aren’t enjoying sex and it’s obvious, it kills the vibe. 

“At this point,” Chris continues, “I wasn’t really feeling it, but I didn’t want to just stop so we kept going at it. Eventually, she asked me if I was going to cum, and I said, ‘Yeah, really soon,’ which obviously wasn’t true. Then she said, ‘When you cum, pull out with the condom on and you can jerk yourself off — with the condom still on. This killed the vibe to a level that I haven’t experienced since, so I pulled out and pretended to cum with a condom still on. I don’t regret faking the orgasm, but it was a real bummer.”

4) Leave Before Your Story Can Be Officially Verified

“I spent my first two years of college at a private, Christian, liberal arts institution in rural Kentucky,” says 20-year-old Darren. “Needless to say, there weren’t many gays there, and the ones who are gay are super closeted. To that end, I was fucking this closeted football player who would text me some kinky shit while I was at work and class. Unfortunately, the sex never measured up to what he talked about. I kept hooking up with him, though, because I freaking wanted sex and there weren’t many other options. 

“One time, we were having sex, but I wasn’t turned on one bit. Once I decided I wanted the sex to be over ASAP, I made a few moans, and after he came, I pulled out, gave him a few taps on the chest and moved to put my boxers on. He asked, ‘Do you want me to finish you off?’ Ugh. I was so annoyed at this point, I just wanted him to leave, so I told him I already came (he was cool with letting me finish inside) and sent him on his way.”

5) Blame It on Your Depression

Tell them you’re on antidepressants, and that you sometimes cum dry,” a redditor suggests in AskReddit. “It’s a thing that happens, and they can’t call you on it unless they know your whole medication regimen. As far as how to act in the moment, shit, you should know how to act like you’re cumming. Grip hard, grunt, put more of your weight on her, clench faster then slower, and jeez, I already feel gross typing this…”

You and me both, pal. You and me both.