Every day, porn star and University of Southern California journalism grad student Tasha Reign wakes up to a curious string of emails from her fans, a devoted group of men and women she lovingly refers to as “Reigndeer.” Said Reigndeer ask her questions — so many questions — about her perspectives on sex, love, relationships and life itself, and as someone who’s had more firsthand experience in these areas than four adult women combined, she’s become uniquely up to the task of answering them. Once a week then, Tasha will select a few of these questions and grace us with her insight, advice and expert wisdom in the hopes that she can help you fuck and love long, too.
What’s the best way as a straight guy to get a regular hookup buddy?
Honesty is the best policy. Lead with your truth and be upfront about what you’re looking for right from the start. There are plenty of women who are looking for the exact same thing, but you have to advertise yourself properly for them to find you.
So be explicit about what you want: What kind of “hooking up” are we talking about? What, exactly, do you want to explore with a hookup buddy? How often do you want to see each other? Are you open to friendship or the possibility of romance as well?
Putting this stuff out there in clear terms on dating apps and websites is probably the best way to find somebody (although you could easily say all this to someone you meet in person). After all, current fuck culture has most of us reading the profiles and bios of potential hookups before we decide to sit on their faces. So create an honest and engaging online profile that caters to exactly the type of lady you’re looking for.
Also, because not all women are in to casual hookups, you might have to expand your mind a bit about who you select to be your recurring Wednesday afternoon romp. Because the truth is, since you’re asking for a regular, no-strings-attached fuck buddy, you’re probably going to be reeling in a somewhat more limited selection (which might take longer to reel in as well).
Last thing: If you really want a repeat customer, then please go down on her frequently and collaborate on her fantasies with her instead of making it all about you. You want to be like Mr. Pussy, the guy in Sex in the City who’s known for eating the best pussy in Manhattan — always down and always good for a reliable orgasm.
I live in L.A., and I often feel like a lot of girls here just want a rich guy who can take care of them. That bothers me because I’m still fairly young and not at that financial level yet. And even when I do get there, I still want a girl who likes me for me, not who sees me as an ATM machine. I’m sure that guys who live in other relatively expensive cities like San Francisco or New York feel the same way. But is this just me being insecure?
No, I don’t think it’s just you being insecure (though I’m sure that’s part of it). There’s real pressure for men to make money and play the breadwinner in our culture, which is something the media and traditional values socialize into us at a very young age.
I myself was brought up to think that way, which is why it’s sometimes a struggle for me to think about how much more money I make than my partner. I have to pay for more things than he does — and we’re building a future together based on my income — but deep down, I, like many of the women you date, do want to be taken care of in certain ways. For example, I still want a man to pay for my first meal with him, and I still want to be courted in the beginning of a relationship. I don’t care who that offends.
Thing is, not all women are like me. So, I hate to say it, but I think this might be a case of you going for the wrong ones. I live in L.A. too, and there are tons of women here and beyond who a) believe in a more financially egalitarian lifestyle; and b) are looking for a partner, not a financier. In fact, I know more than a few ladies who’d prefer not to be financially reliant on a man, and who’d be much more satisfied contributing their own resources to a relationship. In other words, women like this aren’t an endangered species — you just have to look for them in the right places.
If this is something that’s really causing you a lot of frustration, make a change by focusing your attention on ambitious women who either have established careers or are working toward financial independence. They don’t have to be venture capitalists or anything, just seek out women who can support themselves with or without you.
If you manage to charm one enough to get to know you better, ask her what her relationship to money is like, if she has any plans for her financial future, what she wants to do with the money she has and whether it’s important for her to be supported financially by you. These questions will probably irritate the living hell out of the wrong person, but the more upfront you are about this stuff, the more you can weed out people who don’t fit what you’re looking for.
That said, it’s important to call out the fact that even in 2019, women still make less money than men, often for doing the same exact job. Because of gender inequality and the pay gap between men and women, it’s a fact that, yes, some women could use more financial support from their male partners who often make much more than they do (especially in a pricey city like L.A.). Just saying!
Either way, I hope you find the Elizabeth Holmes of your dreams.
I love your column and always read about your boyfriend Kyle. It seems like you two are really happy together. What does he do to keep your attention? I imagine someone like you has a lot of people interested in them, so wondering if the rest of us single guys can learn something from him.
If you don’t know anything about Kyle, he’s my boyfriend of over eight months. He’s a French bulldog owner, a creative and a Colorado native. He’s in fashion, but he’s not a performer. He’s a “civilian,” just like you.
Most men I dated up until Kyle treated me differently than how I remembered being treated before I got into porn. It seemed like they expected me to perform for them, like they wanted me to act like the slutty characters I portray in film. It made me feel othered and misunderstood. I never felt like they wanted to get to know me, Rachel, you know, the actual person.
In fact, for the majority of my dating life, I’ve felt as if men have been so blinded by pornography or the concept of a sexually liberated women that they can’t possibly fathom that people like me are multifaceted. This idea is so regularly reinforced by society that sadly, I feel like I’ve even internalized that image. If you’ve ever seen the movie The Girl Next Door, you’ll understand exactly what I’m talking about.
When I met Kyle last year, I felt like he actually wanted to know me. He asked me questions that I felt were genuine. He’s sober, so he was — and is — very present and focused. Just his attention alone is impressive. I feel like if you focus on your partner and really listen to what she’s saying in a way that makes her feel like “the only girl in the world” (thanks, Rihanna), that’ll be a game changer for your partner, like it was for me. He’s also vulnerable with his emotions, which I — and plenty of other women (and men, and everyone else) — really love.
Another thing that Kyle gets right is style. He has a very unique, specific sense of fashion. You don’t need to be fashionable to stand out, but finding a cohesive way to express yourself on the outside through some aesthetic outlet like art or fashion is a wonderful way to communicate to the world how you feel on the inside.
I could go on for hours about why I love Kyle and why he has been able to keep my attention, but instead, I figured I’d ask him what advice he could give his fellow men. He tells me that one way to attract women like me is to do something that may sound counterintuitive: Focus on yourself. Rather than trying to learn new tips and tricks about attracting and keeping women (which ignores the very real fact that all women are different and like different things), put that energy into you. Don’t skimp on grooming, working out, eating clean and meditating.
Also, Kyle didn’t say this, but he goes down on me a lot and that makes me cum, thereby making me very happy. The end.
Feel free to send me your sex, love and relationship questions at firstname.lastname@example.org.