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Weed Trail Mix, Reviewed

‘Never has being a weed-products reviewer felt so much like work’

As a major anxiety sufferer and California resident, I’ve had a prescription for medical marijuana since 2006. In the decade since, I have tried — and made — all sorts of crazy cannabis products, but these days every time I go to the dispensary I see some new thing that you can eat or drink or rub on your body. As a public service, I decided to test out some of the more intriguing options to see whether they live up to the hype.

I’m getting high for you, folks, and don’t you forget it.

So what happened this week, when I choked down some medicated trail mix? Did I try to go for a hike but end up in an air-conditioned Costco? Did I publicly roll around on a pile of sheepskin rugs? Did I make the shameful mistake of only buying one hot dog when I should have gotten two? Let’s find out.

Product: Pura Vida Happy Trails Organic Trail Mix

Ingredients: Pumpkin seeds, sunflower seeds, almonds, organic cannabis infused coconut oil, dark chocolate, cranberries, raisins, and LOVE (ugh). The package also tells us that the product is gluten-free, completely organic, vegan, non-GMO, low-sodium, high-fiber and high-protein. It has no refined sugar.

Purchased from: Exhale Med Center

Suggested dosage: Each 3oz bag contains 250mg, which the label says is 10 doses. A 25mg dose sounds about right to me, but I am bad at math and I don’t have a food scale so I have no earthly idea how one might accurately measure out a precise dose.

Actual dosage: Well, I’m glad I read the label — if this job has taught me anything, it’s to always read the goddamn label before ingesting edibles — because I was ready to down the whole thing. 3 oz of trail mix is not that much. My guess is I probably ended up with somewhere between one and three doses.

Flavor: I fucking hated the taste of this trail mix, you guys. To be fair, the whole concept is not really for me; while I love snacking on almonds as much as any other Los Angeles denizen, I don’t really go for stuff that promotes itself as being ultra health-conscious. On the back of the label, the copy reads, “[We infused] medicinal cannabis into our delicious and nutrient dense superfoods to create the most healing way to medicate and feed your body.” Nutrient dense, erm, yum.

As soon as I opened up the package, I knew I was in for a challenge. It smelled like weed and bittersweet chocolate, two flavors that I don’t particularly enjoy on their own and enjoy even less together. I thought wistfully about those Auntie Dolores chili lime peanuts from a few months ago where the marijuana flavor was cleverly disguised in the peanuts’ spicy seasoning. There was no seasoning here, not even salt, allowing a skunky weed flavor to permeate everything. I picked out some nuts and seeds, avoiding the chocolate and dried fruit. I ate it as quickly as I could; never has being a weed-products reviewer felt so much like work.

The High: I had initially planned to eat the trail mix and then go for a hike, but a couple of hours later the temperature was pushing triple digits and I couldn’t bring myself to do it. Fortunately, my friend Andy texted to ask if I wanted to go to Costco with him, and I figured that was basically in the same adventurous spirit as a hike, but with air conditioning and free samples.

It was a great time! I was high enough by the time I got there that I wanted two hot dogs, but settled for one to save room for samples. It was a nice, upbeat buzz and I didn’t get too out of control or buy anything impulsive to regret the next day. I did take off my shoes and roll around on a giant pile of sheepskin rugs, but that was far from the worst decision I’ve ever made in my life. We were there for almost two hours and by the time I got home the energy from the “superfoods” was wearing off and I was left just feeling vaguely stoned and a little exhausted. I tried to work for a while but soon had to do something that required less focus, i.e., watching old episodes of CSI and playing puzzle games on my phone. No hangover, though, and I was able to muster up enough gusto to go out to my friend’s birthday party later that night.

Conclusion: Look, I just can’t give this stuff more than two out of six pot leaves. Stop trying to hard to be healthy and make something people actually want to eat! I would have given it one based on taste alone, but the high turned out to be pretty chill and I am obviously not this product’s target audience. Still, definitely will not be reaching for the trail mix anytime soon.