Photo by Dicko Chan

Weed Tea, Reviewed

This must be the best possible way to have a tea party

As a major anxiety sufferer and California resident, I’ve had a prescription for medical marijuana since 2006. In the decade since, I have tried — and made — all sorts of crazy cannabis products, but these days every time I go to the dispensary I see some new thing that you can eat or drink or rub on your body. As a public service, I decided to test out some of the more intriguing options to see whether they live up to the hype.

I’m getting high for you, folks, and don’t you forget it.

So what happened this week, as fall finally arrived in Los Angeles and it was chilly enough outside to warrant a piping hot mug of pot-infused tea? Did I cure my lingering case of dab lung? Did I Postmates a preposterous number of doughnuts? Did I do an impromptu photoshoot with said doughnuts on my tits? Let’s find out.

Product: Tea Pot Cannabis Infused Calendula Guava Mango Black Tea

Ingredients: Organic black tea, organic calendula flowers, mango pieces, natural flavoring, cannabis-infused medium-chain triglycerides.

Purchased from: Exhale Med Center

Suggested dosage: Each tea bag contains slightly more than 25mg THC.

Actual dosage: I actually took the suggested dosage this time! Mainly because each packet only contains one tea bag so I couldn’t take more. But I am still giving myself responsibility props nonetheless.

Flavor: Back in my early-to-mid-to-late 20s, when I was buying a lot of bud to roll into spliffs and joints, I would save all of my stems in a little jar, and when the jar was full I would boil them up in a little pot of water for half an hour or so, strain it, steep a mint tea bag in there for a few minutes, drink that shit and get fucked the fuck up. There was so much melted kief in this little concoction that it actually felt sticky to drink, a sensation I have not felt before or since. It was an incredibly strong, raw way to get high and I usually saved it for those times when I was too broke to buy weed and so anxious about being broke that I needed to get knocked into oblivion. The mint tea bag somewhat melded with the taste of the marijuana, but it wasn’t something I looked forward to imbibing, simply a means to an end.

All of which is to say that this tea was a cup of melted sunshine in comparison. It tasted almost exactly like the mango black tea from Trader Joe’s that I keep in my cupboard, and although the steam had a whiff of weediness to it, the tea itself was full and flavorful in a classic tea way. I drank it black and unsweetened, as the mango and guava added plenty of sweetness on their own. And at no point did it feel at all sticky going down.

The high: So a couple weekends ago a friend got me free VIP passes to the Cannabis Cup in San Bernardino, where I took hella free dabs and sampled weed Cheetos and Fritos and too many other wonders to name and ended up blitzed af listening to Snoop Dogg do a DJ set of his own music. It was terrific. But as we were leaving, we passed the dab booth and I took “a dab for the road” and oh holy lord ever since then I have had a cough that won’t go away, AKA dab lung.

Since it was time to write this column and I had to get high somehow and the temperature had finally dropped to a point where I needed a light blanket instead of just a top sheet on my bed at night, I figured it was the perfect chance to sip that tea. So I brewed up a full cup and let it steep extra long for good measure, put on an episode of my all-time favorite lounging show, Midsomer Murders, took a Mucinex, and settled in.

Halfway through my mug I decided it would be a good idea to order doughnuts, because I was hungry and they sounded fun. And oh, order doughnuts I did. By the time I had finished the mug and was started to feel extra chill, I had a box arrive on my doorstep bursting with apple fritters and raspberry-filled and chocolate-sprinkled doughnuts. Since there were far too many to think about eating at the moment, I decided it was time for one of my favorite creative outlets — a photoshoot.

I experimented with a number of poses — apple fritter over my nethers, ring donuts on each nipple, an old-fashioned balanced on the small of my back — but the winner was two chocolate sprinkles piled atop my left tit. By the time I posted it to Instagram and lay back to lick frosting from my fingers and rake in the likes, I was comfortably stoned but nowhere near being out of control or even zonked beyond function. My throat felt better than it had since I left Dab City and I spent a delightful afternoon entertaining myself — and, by extension, the internet. I didn’t go out that night; instead I got a good night’s sleep and woke up the next day refreshed and healthy and wishing I had another cup of tea.

Conclusion: You know what? Six out of six pot leaves for the Tea Pot tea. I was going to mark it down for lack of strength, but then I realized how much fun I had with this edible, how delicious it tasted and how lovely it made me feel. Plus the lower dosage makes it the perfect beverage to serve at a tea party and oh, how I love an excuse for a good tea party. Hats and white gloves encouraged but optional; doughnuts will be provided — slightly used.