Article Thumbnail

The Valentine’s Day Sex Everyone Really Wants Is Boring

Feeling pressure to perform like a porn star on February 14th? Don't sweat it, says a new study

Flowers or candy, dinner or dancing, on top or butt stuff? Men and women have long been at odds over the best Valentine’s Day gift, but probably even more at odds over exactly how to bone on a day pitched as epically romantic… yet also the time to get your spiciest fuck on.

Is romantic sex hot? It hot sex romantic? Are you supposed to make slow, sweet love? Or put on a sex show on par with Cirque du Soleil, including multiple costume changes and a bangin’ dismount?

Either way, you should probably fuck. One survey found that nearly 85 percent of people consider sex to be the reason for the (night) season, and that all the candles, flowers, candy, gifts and dinner are merely appetizers en route to the main course. That means a lot of pressure to do it good and right that night, whatever that means for you and your partner of choice.

Couples feel pressure to make it hot yet romantic. Singles feel pressure to find someone — anyone — to end up with. Pharmacists claim Viagra sales go through the roof in the last few years just during the week of V-Day to ensure the rock is ready to go come go time for the older set. Women say that after dinner, the second thing they want that night is to fuck you. Real Doll will release an app so you can fuck a robot that day — for free. And another 60 percent of people in another survey say they’d be pretty bummed if they didn’t get laid by night’s end, somehow. Somewhere. With someone. Or something.

That means if you don’t fuck that night, you’re gonna have some ’splainin’ to do.

But there’s some good news in the midst of all this fraught fuck talk. A new survey suggests we might all agree on one thing about the night’s dirtiest hour: that there’s one ultimate romantic way to copulate on Fuck Day. It’s technically the easiest way to bone, too. A recent survey of 2,000 adults found that 56 percent agreed the most romantic way to fuck — pardon me, make love — on Valentine’s Day is… prepare to be underwhelmed… missionary.

Andy Samberg Crying GIF - Find & Share on GIPHY

That’s right. Missionary. Also called the “mama-papa,” “male superior,” “armadillo style” and the “English-American,” missionary is the loving thing that happens when a man slides on top of a woman and sticks it in. It’s also the most popular position in general, with some 90 percent of married women saying it’s their go-to fuck style. It’s also the only sexual position that’s considered legal in the state of Florida.

Surprised? We shouldn’t be. I concede it sounds a little boring in an age where your grandma is eating ass and going back for seconds, but missionary is the original fuck style for a reason. It has long made the list of top romantic ways to do it. Why? All that eye contact and forward-facing touching you can do.

You can make out while you do it, and vary it endlessly. In my personal opinion, the ability to make missionary feel more than mundane, and actually hot, is a pretty good litmus test for your chemistry. With some people, missionary is little more than a going-through-the-motions pump-and-dump, yet with others, you could be technically engaging in all the same moves, but somehow it feels electric. In other words, if you can fuck missionary and feel fireworks, consider it a life hack, friend.

Comedy Bang Bang Sex Fingers GIF - Find & Share on GIPHY

Now, that doesn’t mean you can’t do whatever else you’d normally do on Valentine’s Day. Hey, go for broke and bring out the tennis racket. You can also do all your other shit you like. Other positions that ranked as also romantic in the survey include cowgirl, doggy style and anal. Though to be clear, in the survey, men were the ones saying anal was most romantic. (Of course, lots of people of all genders and orientations see anal as a deeper, more vulnerable and more romantic way to do it!)

Look, it’s worth noting here the definitions of romance when it comes to sex vary widely. There’s a strong argument to be made here that the most romantic sex of all is actually the weirdest, because anything two people agree to do that they like that involves being extremely open to possibility, variety and pleasure, is really the ultimate symbol of really loving someone. It sounds old-fashioned and quaint to suggest that the only way to achieve that is with the usual heave-ho when even kink is mainstream.

Valentines Day Love GIF by Hallmark eCards - Find & Share on GIPHY

The only reason this news is refreshing at all is because it’s happening on a night with such extremely high sexpectations, which means going back to basics could save the day. Sometimes, romance is practical: It’s about understanding one’s limits, focusing on what’s most important and not assigning too much meaning to things that aren’t real indications of what matters.

This is one of the hardest nights to keep a little perspective. Reddit threads are littered with evidence of the sex-anxiety of the night. With people asking how to plan a night of extra hot fucking on V-Day, and stories of people who ended up greatly disappointed. With questions about what kind of sex it should be. With polls about how many people think they’ll get some. With ruminations on what men really want. Answer: “To be the Mayor of Titty City.”

Of course, missionary won’t help you get laid. But it should help take the pressure off.

Valentine’s is a made-up holiday that shouldn’t double as a referendum on how much you love someone, and yet, it is in fact a made-up holiday that doubles as a referendum on how much you love someone.

That doesn’t mean we shouldn’t still invest in some great lingerie, or a nice dinner, or a thoughtful gift. Men should still clean every crevice of their genitalia in preparation and slap on those boxers with hearts on them, or whatever.

But if nothing else, the survey suggests we can worry a little less about whether we’ve turned in an award-winning fuck that night. It just means we can all fuck on V-Day in a way that’s traditionally satisfying for most humans throughout all of time and still get it done. If all else fails, and your threesome ends up weird, or the gifts fall flat, or the dinner tastes like shit, you can count on the old standby to get you through without dispute.

It’s bad enough that such nights are ruined when someone hands you roses and a teddy bear and you’re more of a handcuffs-and-whiskey sort of person. Or when you wanted a quiet dinner but they show up with a goddamn limo out front.

Consider missionary your get-out-jail-free fuck card. And by doing it this way on that special night, we can at least carry on a longstanding tradition that connects us to all humans since all of time. By fucking just like our parents did. And their parents. And their parents. And their parents. And also some gorillas.