Illustration by Carly Jean Andrews

This Year in Dopeness

The most delicious, fun and sexy weed products I tried in 2016

Well kids, it’s been quite a ride, hasn’t it? And aren’t you glad you were able to be properly medicated through most of it? I sure as hell am. So as those holiday cash gifts start to roll in and you’re wondering what to buy for the person who has it all, I’m here to remind you about the best products I tried this year and how they might enhance your life or those of your loved ones. Spark up a J and let’s get rolling into 2017.

Best Flavor

I was honestly surprised at how many completely edible edibles I tried this year. The chili lime peanuts were good, the mango tea was quite delightful, and don’t even get me started on the myriad delights of the gourmet CannaBBQ that capped off my summer. But the one thing that has lingered on my mind since I tried it, the thing I find myself craving on lazy weekend mornings, is Legal Beverages’ Coffee Mocha Soda. It was not too sweet and not at all weedy. Mix this soda — currently only available in the state of Washington — with a little half-and-half or just swig it black and get your day or night or afternoon started off right. Fortunately, each of these lightly sparkling coffee bevvies only contain 20mg THC, so guzzling down a bottle or three wouldn’t be an absolute disaster.

Most Sly

Portability and discretion are big factors when it comes to weed products. Even though varying levels of marijuana legality are becoming more and more common across America, the unmistakable aroma that pervades even edibles can easily blow your cover when you’re trying to get a little buzz on out in public or with your fam. The breath spray, gum and powder were all top contenders, but nothing is gonna top the portability, ease, and overall simplicity of weed pills. No smell, no taste — and if your nosy aunt asks what you’re doing, tell her you have a headache or, even better, feel a cold coming on and then she’ll avoid you all night. Meanwhile, you’ll be blissed out on weed pills: Since they come in both high CBD and THC versions and the dosage is easy to regulate, you’re pretty much guaranteed to have a great time.

Most Crazy Sexy Cool

Oh, it’s gotta be the lube, hands down. I have still not mentally recovered from the fact that there is now weed that you put in your vagina to make sex better. I’m about to go the next level and try the Foria Explore suppositories, i.e., weed that you put in your butt to make butt sex better, so get excited about that review. In the meantime, the best stocking stuffer I can suggest for anyone who lets you touch their naughty bits is a cute little bottle of some good ol’ weed lube. Is there a better way to stay warm throughout the long, dark, winter nights? As Ella Fitzgerald said, “As long as you love me so and make sure to bring the weed lube, let it snow, let it snow, let it snow.” Indeed, Ella, indeed.

Chillest High

One of the issues with edibles is you don’t always know what type or strain of marijuana you’re getting, and a girl like me has her preferences. A lot of the products I’ve tried have been nice or crazy or just okay, but the most delightful high I had was from those chili lime peanuts. Perfect dosage, perfect delivery system, and a perfect evening full of joy. No anxiety, a strong head and body high with full social functionality, and no lingering negative effects. Absolutely a dream of an experience.

Overall Dopest

This is it! This is the best product I’ve tried all year. Are you ready? All bets have been placed? It’s obviously the weed rosé, dummies. Sure, the flavor was a little strange. Sure, the next-day hangover was even stranger. But half a glass of the stuff provided a sparkling, uninhibited, impenetrable high, and then I had one of my top 10 orgasms of all time. It’s a product that basically is sex, distilled and bottled down. If you are a fan of wine and weed and fucking, you can’t find a more perfect product than an icy pink bottle of infused rosé.

Oh look! I just made all your gift shopping super easy. I’ll be back in 2017 with even more wild and exciting marijuana madness, so stay tuned and stay safe and don’t bite off more dosage than you can handle! Have a happy holiday and a chill af new year.