The other day a colleague mentioned a friend who is really turned on when his girlfriend wears a sports jersey to bed. We joked about all the stuff men want women to wear for sexy time — the obvious lingerie, knee socks, a T-shirt and underwear, boy shorts, nothing, a complete football uniform.
Quick, now let’s think of all the stuff men wear to bed to turn women on in bed… Sorry, trick question. There isn’t anything — not really. Because men don’t scramble to cater to women visually for sex in the same way. The question is, why not?
(Disclaimer: Yes, I realize some couples are super sexually engaged and simpatico and do roleplay and have it all worked out. If you are fulfilled and satisfied, by all means, keep it up. You could be a woman who likes performing an interpretive dance in latex over a motionless man wrapped in Saran wrap, and both be sexually fulfilled. But this is for other people in more traditional situations where the woman is doing all the work and feels like she’s trapped in a bad sitcom.)
When it comes to putting on outfits for sex, women have the clear monopoly. There are extensive guides to lingerie for women, not to mention countless polls on what men REALLY think of it (they like thongs!). We’re told some 84 percent of women have “special sets of sex lingerie” for seductive purposes, and the average woman buys five sets of it a year. While not every man prefers lingerie, there are extensive rankings on everything else a woman might consider wearing to bed, from rompers to men’s shirts to old-fashioned pajamas — and how desirable (or not) it is from only one point of view: what a man thinks is sexy on a woman. Then there are the other clothing-related requests men make of their partners: anything from adding a collar to the more common heels and stockings.
To be clear, women don’t just wear this stuff. They model it. They tease with it. They build anticipation. They buy props. They send pics. In other words, there’s enormous mental math and physical effort women do all the time to remain visually pleasing to men for sex. The idea, we’re told via cultural messages, is that it spices things up and keeps the relationship fresh so men don’t get bored. And boy will they get bored if you don’t. Men crave variety, we’re told. They have higher sex drives than women and are far more visual; they’re super horny all the time. It’s why they like porn and ogling.
Women, on the other hand, don’t need that stuff, we’re told. They are less promiscuous, less horny and definitely less visual. They are into monogamy.
The problem is, this isn’t actually true.
New research into female lust finds that women are actually not hard-wired for monogamy. Men and women actually report equal lust in the beginning of a relationship, according to an excerpt of author Daniel Bergner’s recent book What Do Women Want? Adventures in the Science of Female Desire. It’s just that somewhere between one and four years later, women’s lust for their male partner starts to take a nosedive.
You read that right: Women get bored with monogamy faster than men. Women, also, according to Bergner’s research, respond erotically to a wider variety of sexual stimuli than men do. Among other things, they are far more turned on by sex with strangers than male friends — even the hot ones. You also read that right. Fucking the same guy over and over with no novelty is what makes women get bored with sex. Women are also more likely to initiate open relationships. The conclusion here is that women actually have a lower libido because of monogamy instead of preferring monogamy because they have a low sex drive.
So if women actually want novelty and variety and are turned on by the idea of sex with strangers, you’d think men would be scrambling to dress up like a firefighter on Tuesday, a professor on Wednesday, and the mailman on Saturday. Or at least just wear different sexy stuff to bed. Hell, wear different sexy stuff BEFORE bed!
And yet, they don’t. If you search around for what men should wear to bed to get women super horny, it’s slim pickings. The closest you get are men’s sites willing to ask one question: What is the best type of underwear a man should wear? Not to bed, per se. Not to seduce her. Just in general.
To be clear, the jury on that is pretty unified: boxer briefs. Last year, GQ polled women to find that 64.5 percent of women prefer men in boxer briefs so they can see their ass and package, and 75 percent of those women said those boxer briefs should be black, and they should be Calvin Kleins because they “are just so iconic and they ooze sexiness.”
Perhaps all men switching to black boxer briefs would be a start, but men can do more here. It’s not that women want men to wear lingerie just like what women wear (what does exist on that front proves why — unless you’re actually into that Chippendale’s stripper aesthetic).
Consider these tips.
Underwear
Obviously, black Calvin Klein boxer briefs are a great bet. But also, just buy some new underwear. And ask her what she’d like. Consider giving them a try even if you like boxers better, at least sometimes. And if you do wear boxers, not boxer briefs, at least switch it up and stop wearing the same old plaid boxers all the time. Bad scene.
Work Out
Having a hot body is a great backup to wearing sexy clothes. Theoretically it’s easier, since we know men can move your bodies, even if they cannot dress those bodies well. It can also make you better in bed — as one expert recommends to guys to improve their sex lives, “You could go to the gym or you could take Viagra; your choice.”
Undress Slowly
Why do men just drop trou when they want to fuck you? As if you aren’t actually attracted to the detail of their bodies? When I asked my colleagues why men get undressed so quickly for sex, a male colleague joked, “What am I supposed to do, some kind of strip tease?”
No, but this makes my point: Why is the very idea of a man taking the time to show a woman his body a punchline? What do you think women are thinking about when they fuck you? Avocado toast?
Women are absolutely invested in everything visual about men: your bodies, muscles and movement. You can tease a woman with more than your sex moves.
Find Out What Clothes She Likes; Wear Them
This one is easy. Does your girlfriend or wife enjoy when you wear a black T-shirt? Or hang out shirtless? Or sleep in pajamas? Doesn’t matter what it is, just find out what it is, and do it. If your woman thinks you look gorgeous and sexy in a well-tailored suit, don’t only wear that whenever a random suit occasion shows up. Make a point to actually get into a situation where you put on that goddamn suit. Does she like sleeves rolled up to display your forearms? Become a forearm model tonight! Just find out what she likes, by asking her directly, or remembering her compliments. And do that thing. Often. But with variety.
Build Anticipation
If all else fails, at the very least, make a lot more communicative effort leading up to the sex you want to have. Text your girlfriend or wife what you’re going to do to her later.
Bring Sex Toys
Are sex toys the new lingerie? Is the woke new attentive lover of today the dude who has no qualms about getting you off with whatever bells and whistles needed? He should be. Be that guy.
Be a Tiger in the Sack
And finally, if you can’t make any clothing effort, for whatever reason, just be great in bed. Don’t be that dude who won’t wear anything sexy and then doesn’t get her off, either. Maybe she wants to just watch you masturbate. If so, accommodate. That way, she will be so sexually satisfied she won’t have time to notice what you are or aren’t wearing, and she definitely won’t need to start imagining her spin class teacher.
Tracy Moore
Tracy Moore is a staff writer at MEL. She covers all the soft sciences like psychology, sex, relationships and parenting, but since this is a men’s magazine, occasionally the hard ones. Formerly at Jezebel.
