Men dish all the time about their quibbles with getting blown, and it typically comes down to two chief complaints: they don’t get blown enough (or at all), or they get blown badly. Bad blowjobs are often chalked up to too little skill and too much teeth (some guys memorably describe it as “putting their dick in a pencil sharpener”). Okay, okay, we get it. We’ll unhinge our jaws next time.
But clamp down on this, gentlemen: Sometimes you suck at getting sucked. We take the time to do you a solid and go down on you, and you act like you were raised in some kind of dick-sucking barn. No manners, no gratitude and no dick-suckee etiquette to be found. Not only does this ensure that women will mock you to their friends behind your back (“He whimpers when he cums!”), but it could guarantee you’ll never get blown by a particular woman again.
Gather ’round. We’re here to help.
First, though: I don’t think men understand what women are wrestling with when they suck a dick. It’s not exactly natural or even all that interesting to bob up and down like some kind of manic oil rig on your member, particularly in a way that is supposed to mimic the death grip you’ve been perfecting since puberty, while also taking a rubber mallet to the back of the throat. It’s pleasurable to give pleasure, but it’s not as if we’re going to get off from it (unless you’re Linda Lovelace).
To suck dick, a woman has to get psyched up for the task, and if she’s prone to gagging, look out. That’s a whole fraught additional layer of mind prep required to do the deed — like thinking of baseball but so you don’t barf. What’s more, because men put such a premium on getting a beej, and because it can be so awkwardly unpleasant, it often puts men and women at cross purposes.
What, then, makes it fun for us?
For starters, a little gratitude goes a long way. But there are a few other moves that make a man good at getting a blowjob in a way that’s guaranteed to ensure repeat business.
Recently, Dan Savage illustrated this in a response to a question about whether or not a straight guy should feel bad about taking free, earth-shattering blowjobs from his gay friend. Savage let the advice-seeker off the hook for taking the sexual favors so long as his friend gave them freely, enthusiastically, and consensually. But he made a point of noting that there’s an etiquette to getting your cock sucked so it’s worth the other person’s while. Savage wrote:
As all experienced cocksuckers know, a person can suck at getting their cock sucked: They can just lay/stand/sit there, giving you no feedback, or be too pushy or not pushy enough, etc.
I’ll say! Here are a few solid tips:
Don’t Expect It
Your best bet on getting that dick sucked is to never expect it and never ask. It sounds counterintuitive, but humility is important: The less you pester a woman for a beej, the more inclined she is to want to give it to you. The less you pressure her to feel guilty for not doing it more, the more she wants to surprise you with great blowjobs, because you are more likely to be a happy customer, which makes her more likely to want to do it again.
Acknowledge You Are, in Fact, Being Blown
If you are so lucky as to get a blowjob, make some noise, pal. You’d think this would go without saying, but so many men sit back and simply receive their blowjobs in troubling silence. This turns your woman into a stand-up comedian in front of a stone-faced crowd. [Taps microphone dick] “Is this thing on?”
You don’t have to go full on porn moan, just make some sounds that acknowledge it feels good and you like it. That means more than one grunt right before you launch. Have some fun with it, weirdo. You’re getting your dick sucked.
Move Something. Anything.
Men always complain that they don’t want to fuck a dead carp, but women don’t want to blow one, either. That means you’ll have to move around a little — you know, as if someone has their mouth on your dick. You don’t need to do interpretive dance, but you shouldn’t freeze up like you just got tasered.
Give Feedback
That said, if it’s no bueno, gently steer her toward the motions that you like. Feedback is okay, and especially if it’s feeling good. “Do more of that.” “Don’t stop.” “It feels amazing when you clap twice and bark while sucking me off.” What have you.
Just Don’t Shove Her Head Onto Your Dick
This ain’t no truckstop glory hole, buddy. You’ll be looking this woman in the eye afterward. So don’t pull her face down onto your shaft like it’s a game of dick-sucking whack-a-mole. That’s a gaggable offense. If she likes that, trust me, she’ll take your hands and put them there so that she sucks your dick like it contains the fountain of youth. Otherwise, go at her pace, assuming you want this to ever happen again.
No Surprises
Whatever you do, no matter what you’ve seen or been told or imagined in your wildest dreams, ask where you can cum before you cum, and follow her orders to the letter. Surprise sploogers rank a notch below minute men. Don’t do it.
Flavor Country
At the risk of being presumptuous toward other women’s idiosyncratic preferences, the last thing we want is some dude’s sweaty gym dick or unwashed rank dick. Clean that thing like it’s about to be inspected by a dick scientist at a medical conference. If you’re getting a blowjob with a condom on, maybe be prepared to give your girl some options, like cherry-flavored or new-car scent.
Don’t Last Too Long
Last but not least, don’t take too long to cum. I know, I know, they don’t call it a job for nothing, and a woman expects to do a little work here. That dick won’t suck itself. But it actually starts to get tiresome — to her jaw, her mouth, her hands, her face and, most importantly, her ego — to have to keep at that thing for more than a few minutes. Of course, how long a man wants a blowjob varies, and maybe somewhere out there, there’s a dude who wants a 45-minute tantric session of dick sculpting and a partner eager to indulge. Some informal polling suggests the desired length of a blowjob is anywhere from three minutes to an hour. An hour? I better be getting paid.
I’ll go ahead and call this: A blowjob should never last more than five minutes, 10 tops. More than that is grounds for leaving, right after she sets the place on fire. As MEL staffer Miles Klee noted when discussing this story, “A good and polite ally cums immediately.” Or, as one woman put it on Reddit, “As little time as possible, please. I want to feel that I’m so insanely fantastic that you cannot help yourself but carnally react super readily.”
In other words, treat this like the ultimate quickie, because it’s flattering as hell to feel like you got a guy so hot and bothered he couldn’t contain himself. A quick, easy cum will make a woman see giving you a blowjob as something she can fit in before work in the morning, or in between commercial breaks. We lead busy, complicated lives. You want a blowjob or not?
Tracy Moore
Tracy Moore is a staff writer at MEL. She covers all the soft sciences like psychology, sex, relationships and parenting, but since this is a men’s magazine, occasionally the hard ones. Formerly at Jezebel.
