Illustrations by Dave van Patten

The Ultimate Gift Guide for Aggrieved Liberals

Ten presents to dry some blue tears

No one has had a tougher 2016 than liberals. So have a heart and make their holiday season something worth living through.

Blue cashmere sweater

After spending the past month and a half feeling chilled to the bone, liberals will need something to warm them up. And nothing does the trick quite like cashmere. A soft, nonthreatening and safe fabric will go a long way this holiday season. As for the color palette, the traditional cerulean favored by Democrats might be too triggering. Better to stick to robin’s egg or navy.

A festive pill box overflowing with soothing pharmaceuticals

Think of this as a mini-alternative to those popcorn tins. Instead of cheddar, caramel and regular flavored popcorn, they get Xanax, Klonopin and Lexapro.

Probiotics

Liberals are about to endure an insanely stressful four years. If the farty election-night party I attended was any indication of how stress causes stomach problems, staying regular is more important now than ever before.

PCP

With affordable health care likely going out the window, there’s a chance your loved ones may end up uninsured. A little hit of angel dust will help them feel invincible—forget about needing any health insurance whatsoever!

A contraceptive gift basket

With Planned Parenthood and Roe v. Wade facing serious existential threats, now is NOT the time for an unwanted pregnancy. Fill a basket with condoms, spermicide, diaphragms and three or four doses of Plan B. Give it to the young liberal couple in your life who just met and are fucking like rabbits. If you’re on a GOOP-level budget, throw a gift certificate to freeze someone’s eggs in there as well, just to spice things up.

A California vacation

For your liberal friends who happen to live in red states (shudder), give them the gift of visiting beautiful California. A week of soaking up legal weed, sunshine and the ocean surrounded by chilled-out progressives will do their brains good.

An ayahuasca trip to Peru

2016 has been a real mindfuck of a year, and it feels like more and more people are questioning the meaning of life. Give the sad liberal in your life a chance to find the answers to life’s toughest questions under the caring guidance of an Amazonian shaman.

Crystals

The healing power of sacred stones might be all we have left to depend on, tbh. I recommend rose quartz. Make sure to get any and all crystals properly blessed and cleansed so as to maximize their therapeutic capability.

Boxes of extra-soft Kleenex

Cheap, but so necessary. These will definitely come in handy over the next four years.

A hug

A zero-cost present that’s easy on the wallet. Just make sure you have their consent prior to touching them and you’re good to go.