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The Thanksgiving Survival Guide

Unlike other major holidays, Thanksgiving doesn’t have much in the way of props or ceremony. No decorated tree. No painted eggs. No stars-and-stripes tank tops. Instead, it’s a holiday of pure, unfettered gluttony and indulgence, a quartet of cheat days during which drinking from 11 a.m. and making leftover sandwiches hours after a 4,000-calorie lunch are simply the norm.

It also, of course, comes with more family obligations than perhaps any other holiday. With that in mind, we’ve taken a deep dive into everything you need to know to get through the weekend — from Blackout Wednesday to Sweatpants Friday (the one true name for the day after Thanksgiving).

And we mean everything: From finding the perfect level of inebriation for dealing with your in-laws to the exact order in which you should eat your Thanksgiving dinner for perfect digestion to determining when to toss your old tax returns and the other leftovers of your life to figuring out the most forgiving post-lunch sex positions (anyone for a little mutual masturbation?), we’ve got you covered.

Also, your turkey’s burning.

Go, go!

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