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The Rules of Road Boning

Road sex — the act of having intercourse while one (or both?) of you steers a moving vehicle on a public road — is apparently possible, per news that a couple in Argentina pulled it off while the male partner drove along a major highway at 70 mph. And folks — there’s video.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ooq_5VH7izs

It’s easy to see the appeal (to a certain sort of person) in attempting actual sex while driving a car; some 84 percent of Americans admit to having gotten intimate in a vehicle. But while driving? Much like road head — which we’ve outlined here — fucking while driving is theoretically thrilling, but extremely dangerous, logistically difficult, certainly awkward and totally stupid. There’s a payoff, I guess — if all orgasms, no matter the circumstances or risk, count as payoffs — but is it worth it?

Let’s break down what’s going on when two people attempt road sex.

Positioning

As is evidenced by this screenshot, it’s clear this idiotically adventurous couple is having sex the only way in which two people could feasibly have sex while driving in a car. He’s driving, and she’s on top, facing him.

Bewilderingly, a few of my (male) colleagues at MEL suggested that the woman in this scenario could also potentially turn the other way, doing “reverse cowgirl.” This, I emphatically insist, is not possible and/or is a one-way highway to certain death. Woman facing the road while having sex means she’s ramming into the steering wheel, interrupting his ability to control the road, and also blocking his view. It also must be said that in this configuration, she’s more likely to die — I bet he’s the only wearing a seatbelt. If that’s the case, I speak for all of us when I say she’d rather go back-of-the-head first into that windshield, not face-forward.

“But she could steer for him,” someone suggested, clearly not understanding how sex driving works. Driving while one person works the pedals and the other person — the passenger in the front seat — holds or even guides the steering wheel is something that, at best, can be pulled off for about two seconds while the driver needs to adjust his or her seatbelt, and while no sex is occurring. Never while someone is bouncing up and down on front of you, blocking your view.

“Maybe she has long legs and can work the pedals, too!” someone chimed in, furthering the reverse cowgirl argument. Look, I get it, most women can multitask in their sleep, but expecting your gal to hold the steering wheel, work the gas, and fuck you like she’s playing a pedal organ is, like, the definition of patriarchy. Look it up.

The Kiss

She’s kissing him on the mouth? This is bananas! Motherfucker can’t see the road! Motherfucker is wearing glasses as it is! Don’t kiss! Pretend you’re a prostitute who does “everything, but I never kiss on the mouth,” just like Julia Roberts says in Pretty Woman! Kiss his neck! Kiss his cheek! Don’t kiss his fucking face, moron!

The Bounce

Here’s where it gets tricky. In order for this couple to be actually having sex, she’s going to have to bounce up and down on his dick. He can’t bounce her, or death. But she can’t just sit still on his dick either, or they aren’t fucking, they’re just dick soaking. So as you can see, bouncing she is, because bounce she must. But she’s bouncing a little too enthusiastically. Add in the kissing and it’s a full-on moron death situation.

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The Head Configuration

In what may be his attempt to minimize the obstruction caused from her maniacal bouncing, he correctly directs her head with his free left hand over his left shoulder so as to not obstruct his view, in what looks like a traditional hug formation. If there’s a single smart move here, and that’s a dubious distinction, that’s it.

The upside here is that he can see again — and this is also probably the only effective way to pull this off. The downside is that this forces her to minimize her bounce, and also minimize the pleasure for both of them. Maybe she could try what you might call a “micro-bounce,” or small, controlled bounces that never exceed a one-inch range of motion. It’s safer, but if you were worried about safety, you wouldn’t be fucking some dude in a car going 70 mph.

The Finger

It’s at this moment that dude realizes he’s being filmed by a passing car and decides to flip them off, while, I might add, Ol’ Bouncy House is still going to town. This seemingly adds an unexpected bit of punk-rock panache to the act. But let’s be clear: The thing about being punk rock is that you just do dumb stuff to yourself — sniff glue or carve stupid messages in your chest with a rusty razor. You’re still definitely stupid, but at least no one else is getting hurt. Also like, you can’t pull over? You can make that car payment but you can’t get a room?

Worth noting is that the couple is driving on National Route 9, which reports say is a major road in Yala in northwestern Argentina considered to be a particularly dangerous stretch of pavement due to wild animal crossings, drunk driving and now morons having sex. Argentina is said to have one of the worst traffic-related death rates in the known world, at 22 people eating it per day, making these jokers extra jokers.

The couple has not yet been identified in media, but it’s only a matter of seconds. Somebody got those plates. For starters, they were filmed. Second, at one point they accidentally hit the hazard lights on the car — drawing far more attention to them had they just decided to swing by Argentina’s Red Box after dinner.

You can’t blame these people for wanting to try sex while driving, but you can blame them for actually doing it. Lots of people imagine doing very idiotic things but never get around to it on account of just wanting to live. But the people who actually pull this shit typically don’t have the greatest judgment to begin with.

Whoever still needs to be told of the potential risks involved, here they are: crashing, dying, embarrassment, and/or a viral video featuring your sexcapade. Dying is not necessarily the worst of these fates: The last couple who tried this shit slammed into a tree and lived, but were found drunk and naked — with a 3-month-old in the backseat who miraculously survived unscathed.

So if you really, really want to have awkward sex in a moving car, and really like the possibility of dying or killing innocents, knock yourself out. Otherwise, just go out into your driveway and get into your parked car and try mimicking a moving vehicle with a sound effects tape or something. You’re still an idiot, but no one ever has to know it.