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The New ‘Dress’ Is a Father’s Day Card About Filling Dad’s Huge Underpants

Friends, I’m sorry to ruin your day, but please tell me: What the hell is this Father’s Day card supposed to mean?

The card, created by American Greetings and spotted by Slate, features a son holding a pair of underpants meant for an absolute unit — these tighty-whities are so large they could fit multiple people — with the caption, “I think I’ll just stick with trying to fill your shoes.”

As opposed to filling Dad’s underwear?

And filling it with what?

The more you think about it, the worse it gets.

Is the boy making fun of his father’s enormous ass? One would hope. Because the other possibility, that the son is commenting on his father’s prodigious member, is almost too aggressively Oedipal to bear.

That question was the subject of an internal debate at Slate and some Freudian hand-wringing on Twitter. In particular, Slate questioned whether the card was intended as a commentary on a dad’s fat ass or sizable schlong.

Some even compared it to canonical pieces of viral ephemera such as the Dress or the Yanny-Laurel auditory debate.

Which is true? And is there another, even more horrifying option? Let’s consider each possible interpretation and its implications.

Dad Has a Huge Ass

The first possible interpretation, that the son is commenting on his dad’s Trumpian ass, is the funnier and much less uncomfortable of the two.

As the son of a low-key thicc dad who wore tighty-whities, I can tell you from my frightening personal experience that sometimes a dad’s briefs can seem as large as a parachute when coming out of the washing machine. Clowning on your dad for his big ass is a time-honored tradition in any father-son relationship. Telling Pop you hope to inherit everything but his oversized undies is exactly the light-hearted chops-busting you’d expect in a Father’s Day card.

Also, the son is looking at the back of the underwear, not the front. The clear implication: ass.

Dad Has a Huge Dick

It’s strange to even contemplate this option, yet we must. It’s hard to look at your dad’s underwear without a certain mental image appearing. How many people saw their dad’s johnson as a kid and thought, That thing is huge?

This happens. Sometimes a son catches his dad coming out of the shower. Or changing at a public pool. Or any number of casual, real-life scenarios that result in incidental dong glimpses. But these occasions are to be handled with the utmost Midwestern discretion. You sure as hell don’t give your dad a Father’s Day card acknowledging that you not only saw him naked but clocked that he’s hung like a Rothko — an image seared in your skull forever.

And what about that inscription — “I think I’ll just stick with trying to fill your shoes”? Well, people often tend to link shoe size to penis size. In the card, while the son is thinking about measuring up to his dad’s figurative manhood, he’s staring at the container of his physical manhood.

Dad Is Filling the Underwear With Something Else Entirely

You have to consider the possibility that he’s holding a pair of Depends.

The point? Just avoid cards at all costs and instead hew to the age-old tradition of giving your dad a tie — or anything else that communicates how little you know about him and his junk.