If you’ve been declared a “Wife Guy,” the odds are better than decent that you embarrassed yourself online. Maybe you took a selfie without a face mask inside an airplane during a pandemic to prove that you’re “not a pussy,” only to have your wife delete it from your Twitter feed (and the airline slap you with a ban). That’s Wife Guy energy as we know and love it.
Rarer and more precious is the wholesome Wife Guy — someone whose marriage is a seemingly ideal match, not a vector for humiliating virality. There are dudes who try to fake this (“Curvy Wife Guy” being the notorious example), but it’s an image that can’t be constructed. Instead, you have to live it. And no one does so better than the man described here:
my favorite coworker is the bouncer who spends all night looking at pictures of his wife’s ass on his phone
— phage (@clubmoss) August 20, 2020
Yes. Yes. A man who spends his shift at work perusing his collection of Wife Ass Pics. That is the Wife Guy you should aspire to be. He’s not getting busted for sliding into other women’s DMs, and he’s still deeply invested in his wife’s beauty — so invested, in fact, that he must spend the hours away from her in rapt contemplation of it. He must continue to admire her.
If you’re asking, “But why would a man need nudes from his wife? Can’t they be naked together later?” then I’m sorry to say that you sound like a prude and a buzzkill. Nudes are always better than no nudes, and living together doesn’t change that. “[I]t’s nice because I find my wife sexy and if she’s sending nudes then she’s feeling sexy and thinking of me also,” writes one satisfied fan of Wife Nudes, adding that it’s “similar to finding a love note in my pocket or something.” Another says that “to be completely honest, if my wife were to send me nudes out of the blue it would just make my day a ton better no matter when.”
The Nudes Wife Guy is always receptive.
Nah I like my nudes to be surprises…and generally from my wife ?
— ᴛʜᴇ ᴍᴜʟᴛɪꜰᴀʀɪᴏᴜꜱ Doublearon23 (@Doublearon231) May 29, 2020
last time wife sent me a nude..i left work and 9 months later my daughter was born…
— HouseOfGains (@stretchd) November 8, 2013
Literally can't wait for the day i get a nude from my wife saying "come home"?
— delusional (@Wahnhaft) April 12, 2016
the wife sent me a nude once on my phone from 5' away, from the same room…. ?
— Keto cyclist Ⓚ (@KetoCyclist) September 20, 2019
Getting nudes from my wife
— Zach Homol (@ZachHomol) February 10, 2020
Maybe you’re not married yet, and Wife Nudes remain out of reach. But this also gives you an opportunity to envision the right kind of future. When, someday, you are giving thought to the question of tying the knot, you can ask yourself: Will I continue to yearn for and treasure nudes from this person when they are, at last, my wife?
An affirmative answer bodes well for the partnership. The man who is so committed to his wife’s nude pics that he worries about the U.S. Congress’ stance on privacy in tech (“Hell, without encryption, I can’t get nudes from my wife anymore. And know what? I like getting nudes from my wife.”) is a husband you can count on.
I’m gonna be that 57 year old wife still sending my man nudes while he’s working
— hadleigh (@hadleighkohle) May 14, 2019
Anyway, keep it in mind. Wife Nudes are a blessing; you must become worthy of them. And then you will ascend to a higher plane. For the moment, there is no Wife Guy more exalted. Bravo.
Miles Klee
Miles Klee is MEL’s resident tank-top dirtbag, shitposter and meme expert. He’s also the author of the novel ‘Ivyland’ and a story collection, ‘True False.’
