You want to fuck, but she’s not in the mood. You want to fuck, but he’s not feeling it. Now one or both of you is sulking, or worse, and it’s another night on the home front where nobody’s getting off, at least not together. Now what?
Perhaps next time one of you is rarin’ to go, before feelings get too hurt and libidos move past the point of no return, couples could try communicating via this redditor’s Horny Scale. She created a shorthand code for each partner’s horniness that allows you to both understand exactly how horny, and how willing, the other person is to fuck you. And all with a simple number.
We’ve written a lot about sexual incompatibility in the bedroom, from when one partner is depressed, to how to schedule sex the right way, to how to ask for sex without sounding desperate. But there’s always room for new sex tricks. You know how everyone’s supposed to have a sleep number? (Because of that ad about the Sleep Number Bed?) Well what if you had a sex number?
We came across just that on the r/sex subreddit with the eye-catching subject line, “Life hack for initiating sex with your partner — a simple scale.” Presented by Pinkstripedbag, it’s a numerical scale from one to five horniness meter that goes like this:
1) not at all in the mood
2) prefer no (but could be turned)
3) neutral
4) prefer yes (but won’t be super disappointed if it doesn’t happen)
5) strongly in the mood
The idea here is that when someone wants to initiate sex, you can both indicate horniness via a number rather than having to go too deep on the why. If you have diarrhea and aren’t feeling it, you could just say, “Got the runs, hon. I’m a 1 tonight.” That’s a no-go zone. If you don’t really feel like it, but with a whole lot of effort on the other person’s part, you could get into it, you’re a 2. And so on.
Life hack for initiating sex with your partner – a simple scale from sex
Pinkstripedbag offered a little further insight on how to use the scale:
So sometimes I’ll just say, I’m feeling about a 4 right now, how about you? If he says he’s at 2, for example, I can decide whether I want to put in the work of warming him up, and if not, we can just go to bed. No discussion really required unless we want one. It works in almost all situations! It’s lightweight and easy to implement. Hope it might help a few of you 🙂
And clarified a few things:
The whole point is, sometimes it’s NOT a simple yes or no. Sometimes it’s, “yes I’d be up for it but I’m tired so you’d have to be on top” or “not really but if it means a lot to you tonight, I can change that” or “I would love to but I know you have an early morning so I won’t be upset if you don’t want to”. This scale can communicate all of these things so easily. It’s simply a shortcut.
Let’s examine the pros and cons.
Horny Scale: Pros
- Easy numbers that effectively convey horned-up status.
- Saves time, saves breath, saves energy.
- Great idea for matching T-shirts.
Horny Scale: Cons
- Potential for confusion. Couples should probably read through the scale and make sure they understand what each number really means to them and clarify as needed. Numbers 2 and 4 are a good example. If 2 means you aren’t in the mood but “could be turned,” does that mean your partner has to be willing to do all the work? What if they don’t feel like it? If four means prefer yes but you won’t be super disappointed, does that mean being a little disappointed is okay?
- Also might be hard for some people to keep track of the numbers. Perhaps couples could laminate the scale and keep a bedside copy for easy reference.
That said, I could see how the horny scale could work really well with couples who are in relative agreement about sex already, which is to say, you fuck often enough and have a relatively satisfying sex life, and this is just a fun shorthand for getting a status read in the moment. But for couples who can’t ever seem to line it up, I’m not sure how effective this would be at making things any better.
That’s really the biggest shortcoming of the scale. If he’s always a 5, and she’s always a 1, the scale isn’t going to solve your problem. It won’t do much more for you than reinforce what you already know: Tonight, like most nights, you still won’t be fucking. In which case, maybe come up with a Disappointment Scale to help talk through that, too.
Tracy Moore
Tracy Moore is a staff writer at MEL. She covers all the soft sciences like psychology, sex, relationships and parenting, but since this is a men’s magazine, occasionally the hard ones. Formerly at Jezebel.
