Pregnant_Sex_Freakedout

All the Bizarre Things Men Believe About Pregnancy Sex

Where did the whole ‘poking the baby’ thing even come from?

Given our collective level of horniness and curiosity, it should come as no surprise that there’s a whole fetish around getting off on pregnant women (or, as it’s known by its fancy name, maiesiophilia). It’s such an increasingly popular kink that Pornhub recently did a study on it. The porn behemoth found that since 2014, searches for pregnancy porn have gone up almost 20 percent, putting it somewhere between “redheads” and “babysitters.” (I feel so seen!) Among pregnancy-sex subcategories, the most popular is “creampie,” and the overall category itself is most popular in the Midwest. (It’s as wholesome as apple pie!)

There’s even a rap song about it by UGK called “Pregnant Pussy,” which distills the virtues of getting up in that babymaker while a baby is still in there. I don’t say this lightly, but it might be one of the filthiest things I’ve ever heard.

The good news for you pregnancy-sex lovers out there is that women are usually super horny when they’re knocked up due to all the hormones raging through their system, which increase blood flow to the pelvic region, making her wetter and increasing sensitivity in her breasts and nipples. “After the first trimester, it was like a switch turned on, morning sickness disappeared, weird cravings began, my hornyness shot through the roof. I was wet at the drop of a hat,” one redditor writes [sic throughout, obviously]. “We had some awesome pregnancy sex and learned new positions to accommodate my growing belly. I know my hubby still looks back on those times as some of the best sex we’ve had; as do I.”

Fuck me up, pregnancy hormones!

That said, there are still a lot of men who are freaked out by the idea. In Knocked Up, Judd Apatow made comedy out of these sometimes ridiculous fears. In one particular scene, while Katherine Heigl’s character, Alison, is self-conscious about her rounder body, Ben (Seth Rogen) is concerned he will poke the baby. Although it’s played for laughs, this scene has a lot of truth to it: Men can find sex with a pregnant woman off-putting for numerous reasons — from the understandable to the absurd.

On the former count, James, a 36-year-old in L.A., had a traumatic experience with pregnancy sex. During his wife’s first pregnancy, the couple abstained because they were extremely paranoid it would hurt the baby. “During our second pregnancy, we decided not having sex didn’t make any sense,” he tells me. “We had sex during the first trimester once, and miscarried about a week later. We both know it didn’t cause the miscarriage, but we couldn’t get over the association. We’re now expecting our second child and have abstained once more. We know that correlation doesn’t equal causation, but in our case, pregnant sex is in some ways guilty by association.”

A fear of hurting the baby is pretty common. Patrick, a 52-year-old in Rhode Island, was fine during the first trimester, but things got scarier for him in the second, despite being a medical professional who knew his fears weren’t based on science. “I would have preferred to just have given her oral, but she didn’t want just that,” he says. “We tried to figure out how to make it work, but something had clicked in my head that said the motion would be traumatic to the baby.”

To that end, just like in Knocked Up, a lot of men have specific fears of poking the baby. There’s even a classic joke about it: “A baby is born and is handed to the father, the baby asks, ‘Are you my daddy?’ The father answers proudly, ‘Yes, I’m your daddy.’ Then the baby starts viciously poking him on the forehead while screaming, ‘How does this feel, asshole?!’”

Would a penis touch the embryo while having sex with a pregnant woman? from NoStupidQuestions

Naturally, many men have taken an understandable fear to the next level, believing that they can actually dent the baby’s head. Reddit being Reddit, you will see, then, a lot of guys joking that it’s the only chance they’ll ever have at a threesome. (The specific filthiness of this tryst I’ll leave to “Pregnant Pussy.”) This kind of talk, however, has led other guys to wonder, “Am I a pedophile if a fuck a pregnant lady?”

Which brings me to maybe the most irrational fear. I’ll let Chris, a 43-year-old from Florida, explain: “As I’ve gotten older, I’ve started finding pregnant women more and more sexy. The only thing that makes me squeamish is that I feel like I’m coating the baby with jizz even though I know that’s not possible.”

I’m unhappy to inform you that there are other Chrises out there, too — i.e., guys who think that their cum can pierce both the cervix and amniotic sac. Like this guy on r/nostupidquestions:

If you have sex with a pregnant woman and you cum inside of her will you get cum on the baby? from NoStupidQuestions

Men really need to take some anatomy and women’s health classes. But when you do boys, remember, sometimes there are stupid questions.