Welp, it was another banner week for bad shit, and of course, it all took place on Twitter.
There was Roseanne going Super Saiyan on her own career (and the careers of her co-stars); President Trump roasting his own Attorney General because he’s too feckless* to straight-up fire him; a NBA general manager(’s wife) with an axe-to-grind and a penchant for burner accounts; a medium-rare rap beef concerning blackface and baby-mama drama; and a complete meltdown on the left and right over this Samantha-Bee-cunt situation.
You’re probably going to need a shower after all this nonsense. And what better gentle cleanser is there than our best stories of the week?
Go ahead, the water is warm…
The Week’s Most Popular Stories
‘Why the Alt-Right Thinks Porn is a Jewish Conspiracy’
At this point, what bad shit aren’t the Jews responsible for??? Hyperbole aside, MEL contributor Bill Black taps into the far right’s campaign to paint porn as an effort by the powers-that-be to hook young white men on smut. Because a porn addict is a cuck, and cucks don’t procreate. Which reveals the Jews’ real plan — the end of the white race. READ MORE
‘I Kinda Love the ‘Star Wars’ Spin-off Films’
Who deserves his own Star Wars spin-off? How does Alden Ehrenreich measure up to Harrison Ford? Where the fuck did Clint Howard come from? MEL film critic Tim Grierson answers these questions, as well explains why Star Wars spin-offs are way more fun than their reputation, after watching Solo. READ MORE
‘Let’s Not Advocate For Hooking Up With People in Their Most Vulnerable Life Stage’
“Why I Only Date Recently Divorced Dads.” That was the headline of a recent article from The Cut, and frankly, it made our collective heads spin. Forget the hypocritical condemnation had headline been the opposite. Even worse, as staff writer Tracy Moore argues, is the central idea of targeting people for sport sex who are more vulnerable than us. READ MORE
‘The Gentleman’s Guide To Plan B’
When a man and a woman fail to practice safe sex — aka Plan A, a condom — it’s often up to the woman to execute Plan B: The morning after pill. But instead of just letting her deal with it, guys can — and should — take some of the responsibility of preventing a potential inadvertent pregnancy. After all, it’s surprisingly easy. READ MORE
‘You’ve Been Drinking Your Protein Shakes at All the Wrong Times’
Surprise, gym-bros: Everything you know about your daily protein shake is wrong. And frankly, it’s probably why you’re plateauing. As John McDermott points out, they might even be plumping you up. READ MORE
A Brief Video Interlude
Every day, we post an episode of our original series TL;DR to Facebook, because as our owner frequently points out to us, most of the time, there are just too many fucking words on the site. This week we covered why masturbating helps men get to sleep; how to talk to your boss about burnout; and our personal favorite, the reasons white people need to chill on calling 911 on black people for a month.
TL;DR: White People Need to Stop Calling 911 for a Month
An Oakland family BBQing.A Yale student sleeping in a dorm common area.A women checking out of her Airbnb.These are just a few of the numerous instances just in the last couple of months of white folks calling the cops on a black person simply minding their own business.Which is why maybe it's time white people to take a time out from calling 911.
Posted by MEL Magazine on Tuesday, May 29, 2018
Quote of the Week
With the recent release of his new film How to Talk to Girls at Parties, John Cameron Mitchell spent an hour talking to us about the limitation of identity politics, the benefits of never being super popular and the value in forgiving your parents, even when that means both of you giving a little ground on your prevailing world views. For Mitchell, that meant indulging their Catholic whims; for Mitchell’s parents, it meant blocking out Fox News talking points when it involved his sexuality and gay marriage. READ THE FULL INTERVIEW HERE
Five Things We Learned This Week
- Loud sex doesn’t equal good sex. We’ve gotten it in our heads that screams of “give it to me daddy!” or “aaaaarrrrgggghhhh” means things are going well. But it may just mean your partner thinks that squealing is what you’re supposed to do, not that it actually feels good.
- Craft cocktailing has a dude problem. Specifically, too many of them, especially considering that 60 percent of bartenders are women. In fact, the women that joined our resident booze correspondent Haley Hamilton for a roundtable on the topic could count the number of women they’ve worked with on one hand.
- If you’re a homeowner in a major U.S city, you’ve probably got a jumbo mortgage. Meaning, it’s a loan for whole lotta money — more than the Federal Housing Finance Agency limit of $453,100. And there are some drawbacks to that.
- There’s a difference between the “hairy eyeball” and the “evil eye.” Those are just two entries in Miles Klee’s glossary of passive-aggressive eye movements, that quiet-yet-unsubtle mode of communication to alert someone when they’ve done fucked up. You’d rather have the former than the latter, for the record.
- Kim Jong-un is a much better mountain climber than you. Or me. Or anyone really. How else can you explain how the big guy managed to scale 8,500-foot Mount Paektu in freshly-shined, black leather dress shoes?
Last Laugh
Jeff Gross
Jeff Gross is MEL’s senior editor for social media and content marketing. His daily ICYMI column, which chronicles all things meta on the site, is the quickest way to catch up on MEL, and the funniest thing you’ll read all day. Follow him on Twitter.
