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I Want to Have Children, but My Partner Isn’t Ready. What Should I Do?

And all your other most pressing questions for adult film legend Tasha Reign

Every day, porn star and University of Southern California journalism grad student Tasha Reign wakes up to a curious string of emails from her fans, a devoted group of men and women she lovingly refers to as “Reigndeer.” Said Reigndeer ask her questions — so many questions — about her perspectives on sex, love, relationships and life itself, and as someone who’s had more firsthand experience in these areas than four average adult women combined, she’s become uniquely up to the task of answering them. Every Friday then, Tasha will select a few of these questions and grace us with her insight, advice and expert wisdom in the hopes that she can help you fuck long and prosper, too.

I want to have children, but my partner isn’t ready. What should I do?
Ugh, that’s the worst. Personally, I can’t wait to have children. I’m so ready to be a parent that any time I see a baby, I immediately want to have one of my own. I want one so badly that I feel an actual physical craving to be a mother, and I’m prone to long bouts of Googling baby names and outfits for children that don’t even exist yet. That feeling isn’t something I hear a lot of people talk about, but it’s how I knew I was ready.

When I was looking for a match on dating apps, I made sure to lead with the fact that having kids was one of my aspirations. But even though I connected with my current partner over wanting to start a family, I recently learned he’s not ready to do it quite as soon as I am.

A lot of people aren’t, actually. The birth rate in the U.S. has been on a steady decline for the past few decades, and more and more millennials are speaking out about the reasons why they don’t want kids. And while some people are “morally outraged” by people’s refusal to procreate, I believe it’s every individual’s right to choose whether or not they become a parent.

Still, I’m 30 years old, and I can tell that my biological clock is ticking. So when I realized my partner wanted to wait to do what I feel is one of my greatest duties, I was upset. Furious, even. I wondered if it was a relationship-destroying event. Was this it for us? Should we break up? As I was considering this, a thought popped into my mind — why not just go to the sperm bank? I was actually a sperm donor baby myself, so I immediately thought of this as a solution.

But before I zoomed off to knock myself up with some primo sperm-bank seed, I decided to get out my personal timeline. I asked myself, “What’s your non-negotiable? How long are you actually willing to wait?” I came up with answers, and then had a serious talk with my partner about what we both wanted to accomplish before we started a family and what each of our cutoff times for kids were. Thankfully, though he wanted to wait a few years, I discovered it was within the range I was willing to negotiate in. With that in mind, all my fury and panic went away. I realized that as badly as I want tiny #Reigndeer babies like right-this-fucking-second, who I have them with is equally as important to me as having them at all. And I want to have them with him.

In other words, if you’ve got a good partner like I do, it might be worth the wait. Assess your goals and personal timelines together, and give them some time to catch up to you, if you can spare it. After all, no one should be bullied or pressured into having children when they’re not ready, and a relationship shouldn’t end just because the people in it aren’t on the exact same child warpath at the exact same time. Unless you’re teetering on the edge of menopause or your partner’s sperm are dying off at alarming rates, it’s not as urgent as you think.

However, if you wanted six drooling, screaming mimi-humans like, yesterday, and your partner isn’t down, having a discussion about you raising kids with someone else but continuing to see them, or just flat out breaking up, is probably in order. You can replace partners, but you can’t replace fertile gametes, so if children are more important to you than staying in your current relationship, you have every right to find someone who’s excited to pick Cheerios out of kid’s noses with you and exchange DNA with them.

Either way, I advise that, whether this is on your mind or not, you make time for the “baby” conversation so that both of you are on the same page about your family goals and the timing of them. You’ll know what direction to take from there.

Is it okay to masturbate to someone who treated you like complete and utter shit?
I’m so glad you asked this. Fuck yeah, it is. I masturbate to people and scenarios that could hurt me all the time.

There’s this one specific scene from Handmaid’s Tale that always gets me going. It’s violent, abusive and objectively awful, but for some reason, it creeps into my mind when I’m getting myself off. Other times, I think of past traumas I’ve survived and the people who put me through hell, and I cum to them. And though I absolutely, positively don’t want these things to happen in real life, I have to admit: the fantasy of them does turns me on.

So I’m right there with you with on this curious habit, and so are plenty of others  — many of my friends and the people I work with have described masturbating to a person or situation that caused them pain. Mostly, I hear about it in the context of an ex who was a horrible person, but really — frustratingly — good at sex. Though they’re reprehensible in every way, the physical and emotional memory of the pleasure they brought can linger and override any memory of their abject douchebaggery. There’s not much you can do about that: In the Rolodex of fuck memories your brain leafs through to edge you closer to orgasm, those memories are just the card it pulls sometimes.

Of course, that doesn’t mean you want to be with that person or that you want to be treated like shit; it just means they aroused some part of you and that part needs some attention.

It’s perfectly healthy, normal and common to explore that part of yourself through masturbation. I’m a big believer in the idea that fantasy and self-pleasure can be healing, and it’s possible that you’re subconsciously processing whatever this person did to you by attempting to overwrite the painful memories with pleasurable ones. Also, given how healthy masturbation and orgasms are for your mind and body, it’s also possible that your brain is using the arousal this person makes you feel to relax you, boost your mood, help you sleep and improve your immune system well enough to recover from whatever they did to you. The line between pleasure and pain is a thin one, and sometimes it just feels good to ride it, regardless of what it means (pun totally intended, by the way).

A final hypothesis? It might just be that whatever you’re thinking about when you masturbate to this person was hot, and you have nothing hotter to get off to right now. Happens to the best of us, champ. Those are just #hornypeopleproblems.

Either way, it’s really common for people to think there’s something wrong with them when they do this, but that’s really not the case. I, for one, am both happy and healthy. I have a great sex life, a great job and I genuinely like myself, and I still masturbate to people who have done bad things to me. I try not to do it all the time because I don’t want them to take up space in my mind, but you know what? I’d rather let myself cum, feel pleasure and embrace my sexuality for everything that it is than to try to repress some part of it that’s actually turning me on. My perverted little sexual daydreams are part of me, so why not benefit from them?

If it really bothers you, I’d suggest actively trying to get turned on by other things. Introduce yourself to new kinks and experiences. Try to connect more on an emotional and intimate level with your partner(s). Watch different types of adult content. Make like your brain and overwrite bad memories with fresh, novel ones made with new people. Spice it up. But whatever you do, don’t feel guilty about masturbating to someone who treated you badly. Focus on something new and move forward, but give yourself permission to leave shame at the door.

I love, love, love getting fingered but so few cis men understand how do it right. Can you set the record straight?
Why, yes I can.

Like many people with vaginas, I adore fingering. I find it to be such a great form of foreplay. The other day, I was driving home from tennis practice with my man when he surprised me by using his fingers to get me right to the edge of cumming. We were actually driving as it was happening, so he kept me in that state for a while, building the anticipation by teasing my clit with the unspoken knowledge that once we got home, he’d let me come. By the time we walked through the door, I was so turned on by all the build-up that I came harder than I’ve come in a while when we finally started having sex. It was so hot, and a perfect example of how fun it can be when your partner knows how to finger you the way you like.

Cis men of the world, take heed: the power of fingering is real.

That said, there’s no “right” way to finger a person. Different people like different speeds, strengths, techniques, pressure levels and numbers of fingers — personal preferences that can fluctuate by day or mood. For that reason, communication is going to be your best tip when it comes to fingering (and anything else, actually). Ask your partner what they like, whether what you’re doing feels good and how you could make it better. And remember: Communication is a two-way street. As the person who loves getting fingered, it’s your job to tell your partner exactly what you need. I’d highly suggest giving them a little show-and-tell on your own body so they can get a visual reference for exactly where and how you like to be touched. Plus, it’ll be hot for them to watch you masturbate in front of them. Win-win!

I, for one, had to explain to my partner that I really like to be tickled and massaged around my upper thighs first before having my G-spot stimulated with two bent fingers moving in a “come hither” motion, preferably in a position he can go deep in. I also like my clitoris stimulated simultaneously, which takes some coordination, but I’m more than happy to jump in and man my own clit if need be. It’s specific, I know, but I’m not afraid to tell my man exactly what I want, and there’s no reason for you to be either.

Meanwhile, as the person fingering you, it’s your partner’s job to observe your cues when they try something different and adjust based on your feedback. If you’re the fingerer, check in with your partner to see if the technique you’re using is working for them, and let them know they can tell you if they need you to switch anything up. Make it clear you care about their pleasure and are open to suggestions.

However, once you’ve found something they like, resist the urge to speed up or go harder (unless otherwise instructed). If your partner is squirming in pleasure, muttering under their breath or telling you they’re about to come, keep doing exactly what you’re doing. I can’t stress this enough — when you hit the spot and find a rhythm that works, don’t suddenly change it up. You can lose a perfectly good orgasm that way, and that’s sad for everyone!

Beyond that, there are some additional things you can do to make the experience as pleasurable as possible for your partner: One, wash your hands and trim your fingernails. There’s nothing worse than a long, scraggly nail scratching the inside of a vagina, and any microtears could lead to infection. Keep ‘em short and clean, people.

Two, read up on female anatomy. Understand where and what the clit and G-spot are, as well as how they liked to be touched. In general, the clit likes light, well-lubricated stroking, kind of like you were rubbing an eyelid, while the G-spot tends to respond to firmer pressure, usually from one or two curved fingers doing the aforementioned “come hither” motion inside the vagina and pressing upwards about 2 to 3 inches inside on the frontal wall (same side as the belly button). Of course, many people like different variations on these things, but they’re good, solid places to start.

Most folks also like when these areas are stimulated together, which makes sense — the G-spot is actually an extension of the internal clitoris, so by pleasuring one, you’re also arousing the other. One way to do so is to insert one or two curled fingers inside the vagina, palm facing upwards, and massage the G-spot while rubbing the clit with your thumb. There are plenty of other pleasurable areas in and around the vagina, too, like the vaginal opening and the A-spot, so make sure to familiarize yourself with those as well.

Three, watch some high-quality fingering videos. Really pay attention to the motions of what the actors are doing. You’ll notice that in the better videos, they’re not just randomly prodding at things or poking around; they’re deliberately focusing on certain areas, taking their time, layering sensation across more than one area of the vulva and/or vagina and using a consistent rhythm and pattern. (If you’re looking for something a little more overtly educational, watch this.)

Oh, and make sure to use lube if she’s not super wet because there’s nothing worse than a dry-feeling vagina. Spit is better than nothing in a pinch, but having some quality lube on hand like Sutil or coconut oil if she’s not sensitive to it can make all the difference.

Lastly, I’d highly suggest learning to think about fingering not just as foreplay, but as the main event. Too often, it gets passed off as some quick, poking thing before P-in-V sex, which is unfortunate because it can feel so, so good. Sometimes, it feels amazing just to live in that moment and enjoy the sensation without having to rush off to something else, so make sure to slow down and give her some time to really get into it. Let it be a sensual experience for her and really take your time to explore her clit, G-spot, vaginal opening and all the places deeper inside her.

I hope you enjoyed this week’s column! Feel free to send me your sex, love and relationship questions at tashareign1@gmail.com!