If you’re at all like me, the sheer utterance of the word “mindfulness” makes your eyes glaze over, your brain shut off and your mind transport itself to a barren place, thoughtless and empty (a form of mindfulness in and of itself, I suppose). Sure, mindfulness has probably helped millions of people achieve a more fulfilling life, and theoretically speaking, the psychological underpinning of mindfulness — which prioritizes being present in every and all scenarios — is sound. But still, if I hear one more person talking about it, I’m going to mindfully fuck right the hell off.
Because sadly, in a society arid in imagination, it’s standard practice to leverage one ostensibly good thing and apply it to everything in the hope of killing all the birds with one already-crumbling-apart stone. And thus, here we are, for some reason discussing mindfulness as it pertains to… sex.
All right, I get it, you’re not into the mindfulness thing. But hey, maybe you should open up your mind to new, uh… wait, what is mindfulness again?
According to Mindful.org, “Mindfulness is the basic human ability to be fully present, aware of where we are and what we’re doing, and not overly reactive or overwhelmed by what’s going on around us.”
Right. And that applies to sex how?
Clinical sexologist Sunny Rodgers tells me that mindful sex is like a modern version of tantric sex. “This means being consciously in the moment and connecting on a deep level with partners via focus, breath synchronization and sensate touch,” she explains.
Sensate what now?
Sensate touch. Rodgers explains that it’s based on Sensate Focus sex therapy, which was devised in the 1960s by William H. Masters and Virginia E. Johnson — two researchers who pioneered the study of the nature of human sexual response. “It mandated that intercourse wasn’t allowed and couples were instructed to touch each other with the aim of discovering what feels good without the performance pressures that often dominate a sexual encounter,” she says. It’s an important part of mindful sex, since it involves living in the moment and putting all your concentration into experiencing pleasure with your lover.
That seems cool, but how do I do it?
Well, there’s a good chance you’re already doing some of the things commonly associated with mindful sex, but here’s a quick refresher. First, focus on foreplay: “And here we are not referring to giving amazing head, like some kind of porn star!” reports Conscious Lifestyle Mag. “Instead, we are suggesting you take time to sense your way into your body, getting in touch with your physical and emotional state.”
Average Guy here, brah. What does that actually mean?
Good question — basically, you need to focus on your breathing. “If you notice any tension or fight/flight reactivity, focus on breathing and relaxing into the mindful sex,” reports Conscious Lifestyle Mag. “You might lose touch with your partner for a moment while you do this but simply reconnect again when you start to feel more relaxed.”
A more step-by-step explanation comes by way of Rodgers, who recommends that you lie side-by-side with your partner and breathe slow, “matching breaths while being very mindful of each other and the pleasure that’s being experienced.” “This too is a great position for eye-to-eye contact and convenient access to each other’s erogenous areas, as an added benefit,” she says.
What else is mindful sex supposed to do? Is it just about better boning?
According to Rodgers, mindful sex can increase intimacy and create a cozy connection between partners. It doesn’t necessarily mean that you’ll never have another distracting thought during sex again, but, “it means that you’re able to let these distracting thoughts go without getting stuck on them,” writes Laurie Mintz for Psychology Today. “It means you use the strategies described here to lead you fully back to your body’s ecstatic physical reactions.”
Another benefit is that it’s going to strengthen your relationship with your partner, “due to the behavior that comes with having mindful sex, such as treating a partner’s body with respect and not being judgemental due to your focus being entirely on the way your body feels,” counselor and sex therapist Peter Saddington told The Independent.
But like… the sex is going to be better too, right?
Ye-e-es…but not intentionally. “In her TEDx talk, [couples therapist Diana] Richardson explains how mindful sex can ironically lead to more intense orgasms, despite that not being the main focus of it,” reports The Independent. “Taking the pressure off means you’re more likely to relax into sex and therefore reach climax.”
So, y’know, go give it a try. But also, don’t think about it too much.
Andrew Fiouzi
Andrew Fiouzi is a staff writer at MEL.
