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Man Can’t Figure Out Why Girlfriend Masturbates After Sex

Hint: It’s not because she’s a nymphomaniac

There’s a saying in the South that every lid has a pot. It’s usually taken to mean that regardless of your flaws, there’s someone for everyone, in the romantic sense. But I think it also applies when any two people so bizarrely wrongheaded somehow find each other, and come together in a perfect synchronicity of breathtaking stupidity.

This week, that magic happened at The Guardian between a man and a sex therapist who each filled the missing piece of the other’s insanity. He asked a totally bananas question, and she gave him a completely bonkers answer. And so, in some crazy way, the universe remains balanced.

The advice seeker writes:

I have been in a relationship for nine months. I thought the sex was good for us both, but when we finish she tells me to shower. I wondered why, and now I know — she masturbates. She has done it multiple times; I think she is insatiable. What should I do?

Guys, for a second I almost thought he didn’t understand how the following things work:

  • Sex
  • Finishing
  • Showers
  • Wondering
  • Knowing
  • Multiples
  • Female anatomy
  • Masturbation
  • Orgasms
  • Insatiability
  • Advice columns

But what should he do?

What should he do?

What should he do?

Should he:

A) Take up woodworking
B) Consider his overall personal grooming situation
C) Book the first flight to Mars
D) Set up a long lens that runs from the shower to the bedroom
E) Read a book about women, any book
F) Learn how to eat pussy immediately

If you answered all of the above, psych! The answer is do nothing, according to the columnist at The Guardian. The woman, who is also a psychotherapist who treats sexual disorders, tells him to relax. His girlfriend is going in for seconds at the all-you-can-eat buffet because he’s just so freaking good at sex.

Therapist Lady writes:

Many women crave a second orgasm, especially if she has been super-aroused during intercourse. Perhaps she doesn’t want to bother you for that extra pleasuring, or maybe she is afraid you might think her too demanding. Many people — male and female — find the type of orgasm they have during masturbation (for women, often clitorally focussed) to be qualitatively different from what is experienced during lovemaking. They find masturbation produces a deeply satisfying orgasm without the anxiety that can accompany partner sex.

Sex with you could be fulfilling for her in myriad ways that cannot be reproduced during masturbation, yet she just happens to want that extra one. You may call that “insatiable”; I’d call her “sexually proficient” and you “lucky” that she’s so aroused by you. You might also consider the possibility that she’s truly multi-orgasmic.

Uh, I think the rest of the known universe would call the girlfriend “insanely horny” from not getting off and the boyfriend “totally oblivious” to what is happening.

As for considering whether she’s multi-orgasmic, maybe he should consider some other stuff:

  • Around 37 percent of women need clitoral stimulation to orgasm; just 18 percent can come from penetration alone.
  • Only 64 percent of women said they climaxed during their last sexual encounter, compared to 91 percent of men.
  • In that same survey, 85 percent of men said they thought the women orgasmed, so you do the math.
  • One of the biggest reasons women fake orgasms is because they’re with dudes who can’t handle knowing they couldn’t close the deal.
  • Most women would like you to just give them even one orgasm.

Also, if by “insatiable,” the dude actually means nympho, well the actual word for that is hypersexuality, and according to one study, that’s maybe three percent of women.

So the correct answer here is the one everyone shouted immediately when they read the letter: failure to launch, bruh. She never got to home base. She tried to paddle the pink canoe but got lost. She tried to dial the rotary phone but the call didn’t go through. She tried to climb the stairs but then they suddenly turned into a slide, and so forth.

And so, she prolly faked. That’s nowhere near as exciting as believing you’re so amazing at sex that you send women rushing to get off immediately after fucking you, but it’s definitely the most likely.

As for the therapist, well some people thought maybe she was trolling him:

If so, it would be a master class, because instead of just telling him how to get her off, it contorts beyond all belief into this one-woman fluff job more concerned with boosting and protecting his ego than imparting real knowledge.

You know, just like a fake (second) orgasm.