Every day, porn star and University of Southern California journalism grad student Tasha Reign wakes up to a curious string of emails from her fans, a devoted group of men and women she lovingly refers to as “Reigndeer.” Said Reigndeer ask her questions — so many questions — about her perspectives on sex, love, relationships and life itself, and as someone who’s had more firsthand experience in these areas than four average adult women combined, she’s become uniquely up to the task of answering them. Every Friday then, Tasha will select a few of these questions and grace us with her insight, advice and expert wisdom in the hopes that she can help you fuck long and prosper.
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I’ve been talking to this guy on Tinder that I’m pretty into, and he wants to meet up. Thing is, he has no online presence. Like, no photos of him on Instagram, no LinkedIn and a really old-looking Facebook profile he hasn’t updated since 2015. I want to stalk him to check him out first, but the internet’s giving me nothing. What should I do?
Run, Forrest, ruuun! (Joking.)
You’re definitely right to question his lack of internet existence. We live in a time where social media is crucial for socializing, networking and making sure the people we’re dating aren’t serial killers, and nothing freaks me out more than someone I matched with on Tinder who has no Instagram. It’s not that I’m upset that they’re not active on social media or that they don’t have a big following like I do (hi, Reigndeer); it’s that their lack of presence makes them seem like they’re not participating in the modern world. That might be a plus for some people — tons of people are lovely Luddites who just don’t relate to technology and social media — but for me, a person who is always online, it’s a glaring sign we won’t connect over a crucial aspect of my life.
But, for the purposes of your situation, I think it’s more about how you relate to social media and technology yourself. If you’re like me and being visible and active online is a big part of your day and who you are, you’re probably going to match best with someone who understands the time and commitment it takes to maintain that. If you don’t care so much about social media and you’re more of an in-person relater, you might be more compatible with someone who’s on that wavelength.
It’s pretty crazy that we’ve reached a time in our little human world where we’re using that criteria to weed out potential partners and identify acceptable ones, but hey, that’s life in 2019. Unless you’re on the run from the mafia or in some sort of protection program you need to hide your identity for, I’m all for putting your best foot forward online, because that’s often the first impression someone has of you, something that’s very important when it comes to broadcasting to potential dates that you’re not going to make a bowl out of their skull.
That’s why I think stalking a potential date’s social media is one of the best ways to make sure you’re not being catfished or about to go out with someone who might be different than how they come across on Tinder. It’s not a perfect method, and people can still fuck you over even when it seems like they have a functional social media presence. But most of the time, someone who has a lot of friends, engages in conversations and is tagged in other people’s photos is probably someone who is comfortable being themselves in the world. Your guy doesn’t sound like that person, so it’s up to you to decide how comfortable you are with that.
I don’t think you have to rule him out completely just yet, though. I just wouldn’t allow him to come to your home, know where you live or even drive you anywhere until you know and trust him. You need more intel to make sure he’s safe and real, so meet in a public space, let someone know where you are, set good boundaries and hope for the best. In fact, these are steps anyone meeting someone new should take, be they social media people or not.
I’m a dude who’s pretty into gangbangs. I watch a lot of gangbang porn and think it’s really hot. I’d kind of like to try one in person, but my girlfriend is horrified at the idea and is kind of pissed I even brought it up. It’s not a deal-breaker for me that she doesn’t want to get fucked by like 10 guys, but at the same time, I feel like some fantasies deserve to be reality. Advice?
Dude, I appreciate your fandom, and I hope you keep watching those group sex vids, but I have some bad news for you: When it comes to making fantasies a reality, gangbangs are a whole different animal. We’re not talking about a fantasy like having anal sex or a threesome where there are just a few people involved and you can keep things relatively contained; we’re talking about one of the most complicated, advanced, physically grueling, risky and time-consuming sex acts you can do. I should know — I’ve done some gangbang scenes, and I’ll tell you right now: They’re not as simple as they look.
It takes so much work and spatial navigation to take turns and to make sure you’re not tripping over your partners, and you can spend a lot of time just standing around waiting with your dick (or your dildo… or whatever) in your hand. When you do get in there, you have to be pretty fast, because there are other people waiting for a turn. It can also be a lot of pressure to have a bunch of people — most of whom are strangers — watch you as you try to stay hard. Making sure everyone is using condoms or has been screened for STIs is a big thing too, especially considering the intense friction from so many different partners can lead to microtearing of the vagina or anus (which can make STI transmission more likely). Using condoms and lube reduces that risk a lot, but still, something to think about.
None of this is to say gangbangs aren’t hot — I’m rather aroused by them myself, and I believe they can be fun, giving and adventurous when everyone enthusiastically consents and understands the risks and the process they entail. Nor am I saying you shouldn’t aspire to be in one in the future (though it should be with a much more willing partner than you have now). I just want you to know what you’re getting into in the event you do decide to actualize this fantasy at some point in your life. Even if your girlfriend does come around (which it doesn’t sound like she’s going to do, sorry), these are all things you’ll have to consider when you participate in one. While you let that sink in, I’d recommend checking out www.blacked.com. They have some of the best group sex scenes online, in my opinion.
As for which fantasies should become a reality, here’s my thought: If you have enthusiastic consent from the people you want to involve, you’re aware of the risks and you can responsibly separate fantasy from reality (for example, you might like to be humiliated in a sexual context but not in real life), it’s worth considering, with the major caveat that fantasies don’t always work out the way they do in our heads when we try them IRL. Threesomes are a perfect example of that — ever fantasized about fucking two people at once only to be blindsided by the logistics and feelings that can sometimes accompany that when it’s actually happening? I know I have.
Fantasies are fantasies for a reason — we can control everything that happens in them, and there are no physical, social or even biological boundaries to trip us up. Wanna get fucked by a dragon? Want a robot to kiss your delicate, milky thighs? Want 30 identical brunettes to give you head? These are great things to think about, but nearly impossible to pull off. Gangbangs are possible — and again, hot when you do them right — but remember: They might not be as pretty in real life as they are in your mind.
I’m seeing a girl who I really like, and who says she really likes me back, but she’s the worst texter ever. She’s basically the “k” girl. She sends reactions instead of words. On top of that, she takes days to respond to my texts. When we’re together everything’s great, but it’s fucking with me that she’s so distant when we’re not. What’s that about? And what should I do?
I hear you loud and clear. First of all, I just want you to know that I have personally run into this issue so many times, and so have all my friends. Unfortunately, what it usually means is that they’re just not that into you (sorry). From my own experience, people who claim they’re too busy to text back or that they’re just “doing their thing” don’t care enough to give you the time of day, and their dismissiveness is a sign you’re not on the same page about where your relationship is at. Texting “k” is the absolute worst — I can’t believe the justice system hasn’t found a way to lock these people up (kidding — sort of). And reactions instead of an actual text? That’s fine sometimes, but if that’s their primary mode of communication, I don’t know what other evidence you need — this girl kinda blows.
People make time for the things and relationships they care about. Think about all the times you’ve done this — even if you’re slammed at work, running around, about to fall asleep or are otherwise preoccupied, you text back and continue the conversation if you want to talk to somebody. You move them up the priority ladder and give them attention to show you care. In fact, one of the biggest signs someone is into you is that they text you while they’re not with you and propel the conversation forward by asking questions and making little jokes you can play off of. If she’s not doing that, it doesn’t mean she hates your guts, but it may be a sign she’s not in the right place to be in an invested relationship or partnership. Plus, even if she is, she communicates on a different level than you. It’s totally possible to work through that (she might realize how annoying she’s being), but do you really want to be with someone whose communication style you have to mold to fit yours? Dealer’s choice on that one.
In any case, it’s probably worth a conversation (she says she likes you, after all). Dating experts like Susan Winters recommend that if you choose to confront someone about their shitty texting habits, that you do it in a way that expresses how it makes you feel, not in a way frames their communication style as something that’s inherently wrong or bad. Go with something like, “It hurts my feelings when I don’t hear back from you for long periods of time,” or “I love when you text me back, it makes me feel wanted and desired.” Hopefully, coming clean about how it makes you feel will have the desired impact, but if not, be fully prepared to “k” that situation yourself.
I hope you enjoyed this week’s column! Feel free to send me your sex, love and relationship questions at firstname.lastname@example.org!