You haven’t felt true cold until you sit on the toilet when it’s dropped below freezing outside. But surely, human ingenuity can outwit a chilly piece of porcelain? We went searching far and wide for a solution to this glacial problem.
Here are the options we uncovered…
Employ Throwaway Socks
This may sound quick and dirty (because it is), but this is what Lifehacker recommends: Slip old athletic socks onto either side of the toilet seat — that way, your behind rests comfortably on them (and not directly on that hyperborean toilet seat).
As you might expect, this wasn’t the most popular suggestion, and commenter butter-wrapped suede pretty much summed up the majority of the comments under the article with this gem: “This is disgusting. If you’re down with germs, totally okay with the accumulation of spray from each flush … building up on your toilet socks, and rubbing your fanny all over that, y’know, be my guest. I’m curious, there was no part of you that hesitated or even curled your lip in [sic] surprise at this before posting?”
Butt Warming Rating: Meh
Blast It With a Blow Dryer
Internet commenter Doug Watkins graced us with this bright idea. “If you have a minute to spare before sitting, try using a blow dryer,” he writes on Lifehacks Stack Exchange. “That should work pretty well, but only if you aren’t dancing from holding it in.”
Butt Warming Rating: Solid, but noisy
Swap Toilet Seats
While not entirely orthodox — at least in your average house or apartment building — wooden toilet seats retain heat better than plastic and porcelain. As a result, the surface warms up almost immediately after coming in contact with your bottom. Nice one, wood.
Butt Warming Rating: Requires effort, but produces results
Invest in a Seat Warmer (Or Cover)
Those looking for something a little more permanent (and a lot more classy than a bunch of old socks) may find a solution to their chilly bottoms in toilet seat warmers or toilet seat covers. They can be slightly costly — and require frequent cleaning — but they certainly keep the seat warm and toasty.
Butt Warming Rating: Effective, but embarrassing
Move to Japan
It’s been estimated that more than 70 percent of Japanese homes are equipped with toilet seats boasting enhanced capabilities, including (you guessed it) seat warming. As an added bonus, these high-tech toilets also feature bidet-style butt-washing, deodorization (to cover up the smell of your dumps), white noise generators (to muffle your butt sounds) and even an MP3 player that allows you to blast your favorite tunes while you’re blasting your new favorite toilet. The only downside is these things are costly: One of the fancier versions will run you $4,700. But hey, the bidet functions allow you to control the water temperature!
Butt Warming Rating: Sci-fi level efficiency
If none of these tips work for you (or your butt), you could also try camping out near the bathroom and allowing someone else to warm the seat up for you. But of course, you’ll have to play the waiting game — that is, if you can hold it.
Ian Lecklitner
Ian Lecklitner is a staff writer at MEL Magazine. He mostly writes about everyone's favorite things: Sex, drugs and food.
