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How to Make Love Like a Sensitive T-Rex

Tip: Gently lower her onto your massive phallus

New research into the mating habits of the Tyrannosaurus rex suggest they were sensitive lovers because their snouts were as receptive to sensation as human fingertips, The Guardian reported. In addition to being great for picking up delicate eggs and baby T. rexes, it may mean they rubbed their faces together as an act of “pre-copulatory” foreplay. Does this mean the T. rex wuz robbed all these years?

It’s safe to say this is a surprising twist in the lore of a creature that most of us—if we ever cared to imagine it—would assume was as savage a lover as he was a hunter. It stands in stark contrast to the existing literature, which, far as we can tell, consists of at least one book called Taken by the T-Rex by Christie Sims, an entry in the dinosaur erotica genre, which covers the sexual proclivities of velociraptors and triceratops, too. As you might guess, this depiction (mostly) plays hard to stereotype.

In Taken by the T-Rex, the “big lizard,” is 10 feet long and 6 feet high. [Editor’s note: Shockingly, this is not a realistic size for a T. rex.] With a taste for chaos and human flesh, T. rex has terrorized the village of a woman named Drin and killed her mother. When Drin decides to face the monster and fight, she finds herself unexpectedly turned on by his primal anger. She sets a trap for the lizard, but he catches her instead. Rather than tear her apart, he sniffs her. Sims writes:

Looking down, Drin could see down her body, past her breasts with their erect nipples, past her flat stomach and down to the loincloth which hung loosely from her hips. Hot breath caressed the small of her back, sending an exquisite thrill throughout her body as the big lizard sniffed her. Without warning, it ripped her loincloth away. She looked down once more, shocked at the actions of this monster, to see the curls of her own dark pubic hair. Below her feet was an object which she was unable to identify, two feet in length at least, it was as thick as her arm at the elbow, except for the end which tapered down to a blunt point, dark red and solid.

When the realization hit her like a punch in the stomach, she began to struggle and writhe; there was no way that this creature would be able to shove that massive member inside her!

Drin, ever the pragmatist, would rather be killed or eaten than be “torn apart by its cock,” but this is when we discover what the T. rex is really made of. “There was no response from the creature save for a gentle lowering of her body toward that massive phallus,” Sims continues.

But the creature’s gentleness only extends so far here. Even if, in real life, a T. rex would rub his face sensually on a lover, it’s still difficult to imagine what tenderness could follow. Accurately or not, Taken by the T-Rex presumes that same beast logic. After a gentle insertion, the lizard goes monster again, “smashing the tip of its tapered cock into her sensitive pussy,” and even though it hurts, carrying on “blindly,” “hammering” against her. Who hasn’t been there?

After he finishes, he lets her body fall to the ground, and coldly resumes fighting a villager, whom he swallows whole before stampeding off. To be fair, he probably had somewhere to be in the morning.

What then, if anything, can men learn about love from the real T. rex, let alone a fictional 6-foot version with a 2-foot dick? For starters, accept that even in the gentlest scenario, this is not a boyfriend dick situation. Drin remarks that in spite of two incredible orgasms, her battered pussy could only take so much, so after the stormy sessions she “resolved to find herself a young and energetic bedfellow and show him how to do this to her.” Good luck with that.

Sensitivity here, then, means you should at least rub away, lower gently, let her finish first, and accept that if you’re gonna ball like a T. rex, you’ll be fantastic for a one-time hookup, and really really hard to top.