Illustration by Dave van P

How to Choose a Personality for Your Sex Robot

The next gen of RealDolls won’t just fuck you—they also come with a range of character traits, from shy to intellectual to friendly

We’ve all dreamed of having a sex robot to service our every imaginable sex robot desire. But even in our wildest fantasies, we didn’t imagine the sex robot could be almost as complex emotionally as an actual human being.

Now, however, it can: The makers of RealDoll have announced a new line of emotional sex dolls that promise an app-driven, A.I.-infused experience that’s more even more lifelike. This is an embarrassment of riches, but also a bewilderingly difficult choice for the consumer, as each option comes with its own set of advantages and challenges.

Relax: We’re here to help.

First of all, none of this is a joke. RealDoll creator and CEO Matt McMullen told the Daily Star that a RealDoll named Harmony, who can simulate a human connection, will be available on April 15. Take a look:

If that stilted movement doesn’t signal authentic human connection to you, I don’t know what sort of company you’ve been keeping. “Emotional connections are the foundations of relationships and that’s what we are simulating,” McMullen explained. “And it’s emotions which add the X Factor to sex. I think two people can meet in a bar, have sex the same night and not remember each other’s names and say, ‘Well, that was fun.’ But that’s different sex than when you actually get to know someone and you bond with them intellectually and emotionally.”

Yes—but, to be clear, he is talking about a sex robot.

Though McMullen says Harmony, who costs $15,000, comes with the option of 12 different personality traits, only five types were divulged to the Daily Star. The known options are as follows: sexual, kind, shy, friendly, naive and intellectual. Sex-robot users also can help better shape the sex-robot personality of their choosing by giving feedback via the app using a one-to-three rating system that will help encourage more desired aspects.

Let’s break these personalities down…

“Sexual”: You know how some sex robots seem like they’re just going through the motions? Not this one. She actually likes sex, which she demonstrates with an eagerness, enthusiasm and playfulness that sex robots of yore have been sorely lacking. I’ll be honest, I wasn’t sure “sexual” counted as a personality type in a woman, so I asked the man standing nearest to me in the MEL offices if men think it is, and he said “Sexual?” and thought about it for a second. “Yeah,” he said. “Horny.”

“Kind”: An old-fashioned, more caring sex robot, this Florence Nightingale of sex robots harks back to a time when women hadn’t lost sight of their role as gentle nurturer in the bedroom. She knows you already lost the Olsen account this week, and had that tiff with your dad on the phone last night, so she’s here not only to listen, but also to let you finish first.

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Mass mouth production #realdoll #madeinusa #autoblow2

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“Shy”: Even though this is a sex robot, she isn’t sure she is ready to fuck you… yet.

“Friendly”: All class, this girl-next-door sex robot seems like a regular old sex robot at first, but this is the sex robot you could introduce to friends. What’s more, she could shoot some hoops, chug beers at the local bar or even accompany you to the office picnic.

“Naïve”: She’s literally never done anything like this before. She’s not even sure how sex works! You’ll literally have to show her. “Is this sex?” she will ask.

“Intellectual”: Who, me? Oh, I’ve just been sitting here rereading Foucault waiting for you to get home from work.

I reeled off these “personalities” to another man in the office to see if he would have any trouble picking one. “Shy,” he said immediately. I kept listing the other personalities, but he cut me off. “Shy,” he said, as I kept going. “Shy. Shy. Shy. Okay, shy and intellectual. You know, like a librarian thing.”

Which leads to my ultimate point: All utopian sex ideals eventually collapse into a yearning for the traditional. That is to say, all shy sex all the time is going to get old. Eventually, you want someone shy you can also have a conversation with — and maybe grab a bite to eat with. Hopefully these personality traits can be combined and interwoven into something more complex, like into the sexual, kind, shy, friendly, naive and intellectual sex doll of your dreams.

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Alektra Blue loves Abyss

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I’m also not sure moving toward a world where sex dolls have an almost uncanny valley-esque resemblance to actual humans is what we want. Let’s assume it is, but if that’s the case, let’s go all the way. Why, for instance, isn’t there a sex robot available who is, say, highly critical of your personal choices, or a really needy one that requires a lot of validation first?

McMullen noted casually that Harmony is already headed that direction. “The A.I. is prone to falling in love with you,” he said, and will “say things you are not expecting.” Maybe that means after she gets to know you, Harmony isn’t afraid to complain about how much time you spend with your friends or why you still haven’t put a ring on it—or boldly ask you to go ahead and pay off her student loans if you’re going to be together.

That’s about as close to real sex with a real woman you can get.