How the Internet Decided to Have Hot Sex Instead of Enduring the Debate

Editor’s note: All posts linked below are real and still up as of press time, but many are NSFW. Click at your own risk.

Monday’s debate was perhaps the most painful thing Americans have endured since, well… since Donald Trump posed with his teenage daughter sitting on his lap.

The internet has been aflame with ideas for how to survive the horror that was Hillary Clinton and Donald Trump’s first debate: drink yourself to death, smoke enough weed to make your brain stop working, skip the debate altogether and riot in the streets. But one distraction that proved especially popular on Monday as the nation steeled itself for Debatepocalypse: sex.

On Craigslist, Reddit, apps, and even Twitter, U.S. citizens resoundingly voted for debate sex. And not just any sex. The hookup ads preceding the debate were largely laden with aggressive fantasies, apologetic pussy licking games, dominant women, and, for one Kansas City resident, “mean, degrading, face-slapping skullfuck” — basically, a short description of the debate itself.

While Hillary tried to talk without being interrupted and Donald waved his tiny hands in the air, plenty of Twitter babes proposed a more palatable alternative.

https://twitter.com/allieeek11/status/780441582965170176

And Twitter was just the beginning of the please from the horny yet civic-minded. Over on Reddit, a feisty activist type explained that he was in New York to protest during the debate, and you better believe all that powerless rage made him horny: “Did you know the debate commission is privately owned by the democratic and republican parties? After Nader hit the 10% in 5 polls margin they bumped it up to 15. It pisses me off something fierce.” Something fierce enough to do it all night long, baby.

Meanwhile, on Craigslist’s “Casual Encounters” section, worked-up policy wonks all over the country decided the debate was a good time to shed all of their clothing. In Orlando, a nudist colony opened its doors to anyone willing to get naked for the debate. An Atlanta resident sweetly asked, “Who wants to get naked to watch the debate with me tonight?” And a m4m visiting DC from out of town — a Congressman, perhaps? — suggested his room at the Hyatt for some naked debate-watching.

But on Monday night, group nudity was the tamest debate party in town. Many of the posts on Casual Encounters proposed variations on the classic TV drinking game: Instead of booze, these party-minded politicos suggested sex acts at key points in the debate. A man in Orlando invited “lesbian women” and, presumably, straight women as well to take part in a debate “pussy licking game.” In Palm Springs, one Craigslist user had an especially detailed agenda for the night: “How about everytime Trump gets booed, I get to buttfuk you ! Or how about everytime Clinton gets cheered, you suck me.”

But many of these sexed-up politicos got rather more creative. A few ads called for a dominant woman to impersonate Hillary Clinton, or even just to try to convince a m4w to vote for her. In Fort Myers, a man sought a “female Hillary supporter” to sway his vote… sexually. An entire group of self-professed straight guys sought a “gay waitress” or “submissive service oriented gay” who was up for providing a little extra relief to guests if Hillary was deemed the winner of the debate. And an Austin man simply sought “a woman that would be interested in sharing her milk with me” during the debate, which we assume is a passionate call for a female president who will cradle the nation to her breast and nurture it back to health.

And the ihe internet’s kinky side came out as people sought to face their debate demons with whips and chains. In Phoenix, one would-be host hoped to watch the whole thing with his guest, but had some distinct plans for an afterparty: “Then once the debate is over, you will kneel, and the domination and screaming will start.” In our experience, the screaming started long before the debate ended, but maybe he fared better.

Over in lovely St. Cloud, a m4m sought a little rough-and-tumble roleplay between “Hillary” and “Donald” as the partners pretended to host their very own debate. “You want to give it to me like she wants to give it to him? Bend him (me) over and ram it home while slapping his ass? make me gag on you cock as you fuck my face?” Well, we have to admit that would have made for a little more fun on the podium.

But when it comes to scouring sex ads during national events — and yes, there are always sex ads during national events — the lesbian ads are always a classic. Why? Because lesbians just cannot be bothered with minor annoyances like presidential debates. As one Chicago lady-lover wrote in her classified ad, “Don’t wanna watch no debate — just want my big clit sucked.” At the end of the day, isn’t that what we all want? What’s best for our country, yes — but mostly, we just want our big clits sucked.