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How Can I, an Average Guy Who’s Really In Love, Make Sure I Don’t Become One of Those Couples That Annoy the Shit Out of Everybody?

There’s a fine line between elegant PDA and frenetic dry humping

A public display of affection — more commonly referred to as PDA — is a bit like the smell of a fart: If it’s your own, it’s inexplicably pleasant. If it’s someone else’s, it stinks of shit.

In 2016, researchers looked into why people are so repulsed by any PDA that doesn’t include their own tongue. The main reason? Because no one likes a showoff. “The majority of participants (though more men than women) reported that they engaged in this behavior, ‘to enhance their image or status by proving they were capable of making out with a particular person,’” reported BroadlyIn other words, PDA is the curated Instagram image of love, which means people who haven’t had the same luck are likely going to be turned off by the sight of a middle school-inspired make-out session.

But here’s the thing: I get it. You’re in love. You’ve been dating all of two months and that silly, stupid feeling of rainbows on demand is just irrepressible. Still, you don’t want to be that couple that’s dry humping in the corner booth of a shitty Italian restaurant where a family of four is desperately trying to shove food in their kids’ mouths, finish up dinner and get their check so that said four-year-old twins aren’t privy to your soft-core cannoli porn.

But bro, I love cannoli and I love porn, so what’s so wrong with making out with my chick in a restaurant?

First of all, man, she’s not your chick. Why? Because she didn’t hatch from a Goddamn egg. But that’s besides the point. Think of making out in public as being like the asshole who double-parks his Maserati at a soup kitchen, writes Steven Grimm when responding to the question of why people dislike public displays of affection. It’s just not anything anyone wants to see.

I guess I can see your point. Are you saying I should maintain an awkward prom picture amount of distance at all times?

Not at all: There are several acceptable cases of PDA. But there are also versions of PDA that everyone hates to their absolute core. First and foremost of the latter: The baby voice. DO NOT EVER SPEAK TO YOUR SIGNIFICANT OTHER USING THE BABY VOICE IN A PUBLIC SETTING. “For instance, things that should never be done in public include: Having a conversation with your partner in a baby voice,” writes Karley Sciortino in her article for Vogue.

See? Not just me.

As for why? Because nearly everyone agrees that this voice is the audible equivalent of a burning dumpster fire if only this dumpster were filled with elephant shit. It’s not good when you speak to an actual baby in this voice, and it’s even worse when you, a young, middle or old age man, speak to your adult significant other in this voice.

Other things you should avoid doing in public, according to Sciortino, include anything that could be considered groping and lap-sitting. “You simply can’t have a proper conversation with someone when there’s a person straddling their crotch in a reverse cowgirl,” she writes.

So what are some acceptable forms of PDA?

According to, kissing and touching are both acceptable forms of PDA unless the kissing and touching turns into tasting and nibbling. “A face is not a lollipop, and you are not a vampire, so don’t lick or bite the person you love in front of other people,” they report.

What about a butt squeeze — can I occasionally squeeze butt?

I mean, you can do whatever you want. As per, there is a right way to go about this form of PDA and it begins with knowing for a fact that your significant other enjoys having their butt squeezed. “When you squeeze your partner’s butt, make sure you avoid doing it in the view of too many people,” they report. “If you’re up against a wall or in a dense crowd of people, squeeze away. An important tip when it comes to butt squeezing is to make sure your girlfriend enjoys this type of PDA. If she doesn’t, you might get publicly admonished for your behavior. If she is into it (and chances are she will be) encourage her to return the favor and give your tush a good squeeze every now and then.”

After all, it’s only fair to trade a squeeze for a squeeze.