Nobody likes going to the doctor, and if you do, I’d venture to say there’s some underlying hypochondria to discuss. Normal humans dread the invasive questions, the testing and prodding, the interminable waits and insurance problems and atmosphere of clinical bureaucracy. My distaste for the medical experience runs deeper — I have a small but unmistakable fear of doctors, who often strike me as creepy for some reason — and so the appointment reminder on my fridge is a haunting presence. Can’t I get sick and die instead?
But, my friends, nothing could have prepared me for the challenge of facing a hot doctor.
My doctor's too hot
— David (@dlylyly) March 22, 2019
Last week, I was to see a new dermatologist, on a referral from my primary care physician, in order to get a prescription for the psoriasis that has colonized the various nooks and crannies of my very stupid body. I wish someone had recorded the shock that must have played across my face as a stunningly beautiful, white-coated doctor entered the examination room and introduced herself. My first impression was that she looked a bit like the political left’s current crush, Rep. Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez. This wasn’t at all how I’d expected the morning to go.
Sure, most of us have enjoyed porn or TV dramas about hot doctors, but in real life, it’s a tricky deal. As journalist Eve Peyser once wrote of an Instagram-famous hot doctor, seeing a gorgeous medical professional can be a worst-case scenario: “Nobody wants to see a hot doctor when their nose is dripping with snot, their eyes are swollen out of their head and they’re two seconds away from unimaginable public bowel distress.”
I lived this nightmare myself when, within a minute of meeting my own doctor, I had to pull down my underwear to show her the red, itchy, flaking skin under my nutsack. Fortunately, I did this in such a way to only expose one ball.
oh my god maggie i had a hot young doctor once and he had CATS (which i know because he looked at the leggings i was wearing and said "cat or dog?" and we had a whole conversation) but i was SO DEATHLY ILL and also he was my doctor so UGHHHHHH
— sophy ziss (@sophyish) April 11, 2019
Having survived this ordeal, do I have advice for dealing with an attractive doctor?
Of course.
DO: Trust them. Hot people are always right, of course, and allowed to do whatever they want. This is doubly true for doctors. Had my dermatologist told me to try drinking herbal tea with bleach in it, I probably would have. But seriously, hot folks — and I imagine this is especially true of hot doctors — are used to making people weak in the knees, which means they can roll with your awkwardness pretty naturally. Also, they’re at work, not checking out your Tinder profile. Let them do their thing and you’ll be fine. Later you can write a blog post about this.
DON’T: Try to be cute. With a hot person, there will be the temptation to get flirty. And as a Pisces who can fall in love with eight different strangers on the bus in the course of a commute, it was inevitable I’d try to turn on the charm. This happened when my hot doctor, saying she could prescribe me either two or three topical ointments for specific areas on my body, mentioned that another (male) doctor in the office believes we guys “don’t like to have too many different creams going on.” Sensing my opportunity, I smirked and replied, “Oh, I can definitely juggle all three,” as if to sound both hyper-competent and free of the fragile masculinity that would make me reject medication for no good reason. She gave me sort of a pity laugh. Cool.
I’m probably dying and I don’t even know it, I was too focused on his shoulders than what he was actually saying
— Krystal Monique (@Krystal_M101) August 28, 2019
DO: Pay attention to what they’re saying. I see you’re lost in their dreamy eyes already, but its your ailing health that brought you here, remember? Focus up or find out later that it’s actually not okay to take those pills with a giant frozen margarita. Life’s too precious to lose to hotness!
DON’T: Ask them what time they get off. C’mon now, this isn’t the 1970s. There are rules.
DO or DON’T: Tell your significant other about your hot doctor. This one’s a toss-up, and I think it depends on the relationship. I, personally, could not wait to share with my (also beautiful) girlfriend that my doctor was a total smokeshow (in addition to being very helpful and understanding). Maddie wasn’t particularly interested, but I wanted to brag regardless. This can backfire, however, as in the case of a woman who shared on Reddit that her husband, after finding out how hot her trusted gynecologist was, asked her to stop seeing him. Disaster! When in doubt, keep any news of a hot doctor to yourself. It’ll be your steamy little secret.
So I may or may not have stalked my moms hot doctor and found him on instagram ?
— Maddi? (@_MaddiKing_) February 17, 2019
DO: Stalk their social media accounts. If your doctor’s hot, you gotta assume they’re on Instagram. That’s how I found out my hot doctor has an adorable dog, and from what I can tell, a long-term girlfriend! Assuming she’s not into men in the slightest will surely put me at ease the next time I have to be partially naked in front of her. The follow-up appointment is in two months.
And that’s about it! Otherwise, again, try to relax. It’s not like the hot doctor is being hot just to add to your stress. In a way, beauty is its own burden. But also, hot doctors spent some of the hottest years of their life hidden away in med school. The least we can do is let them flaunt it now.
Miles Klee
Miles Klee is MEL’s resident tank-top dirtbag, shitposter and meme expert. He’s also the author of the novel ‘Ivyland’ and a story collection, ‘True False.’
