If you were really interested in eating well to ensure better fucking, you’d have started years ago. Science tells us that the best lovers are already good eaters, which means you’d have a steady diet of whole grains, fruits and vegetables for their phytonutrients, and spices like garlic or ginger to boost libido and increase blood flow. You’d avoid alcohol because it lowers testosterone and can mess with your boner, aka whiskey dick.
But that window is already closed, and tonight you’re going out to dinner before you go home to get it on — let’s assume you already know the sex will happen. It’s not too late to get this right: You can at least avoid the foods that are going to make actual sex physically harder, logistically embarrassing or an outright disaster.
We’re not talking about avoiding eating things that make you an unpleasant date, though that’s always a good thing to keep top of mind. These are things that make your breath stink, or are messy to eat, making you look like a barbarian. This includes spaghetti, onion rings, ribs and your standard-issue cruciferous vegetables. Also anything that requires you to wear a bib.
We’re talking about the stuff that makes it hard to get and keep a boner and move around in a way most of us would require — bare-minimum — to feel sex has been achieved.
There are a few main categories that are no-go zones for pre-sex consumption, and while those foods won’t be the same for everyone, the general idea here is that you should know both the basic science of how food is going to make you feel after you eat it for sex purposes, as well as your own digestive system’s pitfalls, and avoid these things like your boner depends on it (it does.)
Don’t Eat Foods That Make You Tired
The release of insulin after consuming a bunch of carbohydrates will always make you sleepy. Digestion is a taxing event on your system, so avoid big heavy meals that put you right into a food coma. So don’t eat a giant plate of pasta and expect to be a tiger in the sack. Don’t drink a big glass of warm milk before you stick it in, though it’s hard to imagine someone would. Experts say balancing your plate with a one-to-two proportion of protein and carbohydrates is a good idea if you want to stay alert after a meal.
Don’t Eat Foods That Kill Your Sex Drive
It goes without saying that the best sex is the sex you’re actually into, so why fight your own premise here? You don’t want to have rally the troops on this one; you want them already armed and standing at attention, awaiting your command.
Research shows a number of foods will cock block this effort, and upon entering the bloodstream, immediately begin fucking with your hormones. They include:
· Cheese — Messes with hormones
· Mint — Lowers testosterone
· Cornflakes — Maybe it seems like you’d never eat breakfast for dinner, but bars in Los Angeles prove otherwise. Nonetheless, legend has it cornflakes were invented to lower libido and thwart masturbation off the idea that boring foods don’t excite the loins.
· Caffeine — A coffee date before boning sounds great and all, but if you’re the type of person coffee makes jittery, the anxiety will kill the vibe faster than you can say coffee shits.
· Chocolate: This one is a tough call, but this alleged aphrodisiac is also said to lower testosterone in men.
· Processed Meats: The polyvinyl chloride in processed meats messes with your hormones, too, and hot dogs are loaded with saturated fats that clog the arteries, and therefore clog your sex times.
· Super salty/fried foods: French fries will make it hard to keep that boner going. Same with canned foods like beans soaked in sodium water
Don’t Eat Anything That Has Ever Given You the Shits
That could be Indian food, Mexican food, anything spicy, or anything that just doesn’t sit right with your system. You know by now what it is.
Don’t Eat Anything That Makes You Gassy
Beans. Carbonated beverages, including tonic. Passing gas is normal and happens, but again, why boost your chances?
Don’t Overeat
Being super stuffed is going to make fucking hard. So keep your portion control in mind, and try to stop eating before you feel too full. This also makes good sense with drinking enough beer to get that pleasant buzz without that too full feeling of trying to have what you might call Wall-E sex.
Now that you know what not to eat, what should you consume at a nice dinner before getting to the sex part? There’s no specific perfect meal, but eating something light, with good protein and nutrients is your best bet. There are numerous foods that actually increase sexual stamina, too — if you can eat a spinach salad with a little grass fed beef and some beets on the side, you’ve met both the spirit and the note of the concept here.
Eat well, fuck well, and save epic gastrointestinal panic for later in the relationship.
Tracy Moore
Tracy Moore is a staff writer at MEL. She covers all the soft sciences like psychology, sex, relationships and parenting, but since this is a men’s magazine, occasionally the hard ones. Formerly at Jezebel.
