Illustration by Dave van Patten

Don’t Be That Dude… in Your Marriage

Dudes gotta dude, but do you gotta dude like this?

This week in men and their dick moves, we find married men who boneheadedly attempt to murder their wives; representatives who badmouth their wives on the chamber floor; and super-rich dudes who think one bouquet a year is just too much for their wives to ask. Married dudes, why?

Accidental Texter

Ever seethe about someone you hate with every fiber of your being, fire off an email or text to a coworker or friend to vent about said moron, then realize that — holy fuck — you sent it to their best friend, or even the target themselves? That seems quaint compared to Jeff Lytle of Monroe, Wash., who rather than divorce his wife amicably, co-parent responsibly and get on with his life, accidentally sent a text message meant for his hitman “Shayne” to his former boss instead, KIRO-7 reported.

The message asked Shayne to get rid of his wife and child, and promising him half of a $1.5 million insurance payout. “Hey Shayne hows it going,” the casually chilling text read. “You remember you said that you would help me kill my wife. I’m going to take you up on that offer.”

He went on to suggest that Shayne “make it look like a robbery gone wrong or make it a accident she works at Walmart she gets off at 11:00.” It goes without saying that you shouldn’t be a dude who tries to murder your family, but even the etiquette around murder suggests you don’t tip anyone else off to your plotting — especially not your former boss, whom we can assume already hates you.

Lytle told police that he was only sending the messages to “vent,” and that it was even possible his 4-year-old daughter sent the messages. No, Jeff Lytle, most 4-year-olds can’t read, much less do the math on an insurance policy, or plot even a very poorly planned murder. Better luck next time.

Sexist Sunday

Who doesn’t enjoy a long, leisurely Sunday with breakfast in bed, perhaps a dead-tree edition of your local paper, and some pleasant conversation before starting the day? Who doesn’t enjoy it even more when your wife serves it up to you like something straight out of Leave it to Beaver?

That was the suggestion of North Dakota representative Bernie Satrom, who to justify keeping the state’s “Blue Laws” — which keep some businesses closed on Sunday — alive, suggested that Sundays are better spent “spending time with your wife, your husband… Making him breakfast, bringing it to him in bed and then after that go take your kids for a walk,” The Huffington Post reported.

Fellow Representative Vernon Laning added, “I don’t know about you, but my wife has no problem spending everything I earn in 6 and a half days,” he said. “And I don’t think it hurts at all to have a half day off.”

Not sure who Laning and Satrom think they’re appealing to, but in 60 percent of two-parent households, both parents work outside the home. His comments can be easily explained by something called “false consensus effect,” a logical fallacy where you assume whatever you think and do is what everyone else thinks and does. It can also be explained by something called sexism.

Laning pulled an even bigger classic dick move when he told Valley News Live that “it was only intended to be a humorous note, and he’s not sure why some people have taken it personally.”

“He adds that maybe those people lack a sense of humor. He said it’s not indicative of how he feels about women or his wife.” Whew.

Valentine’s Don’t

A man with a lot of money could afford to drop some coin on his lady for Valentine’s Day, but some wealthy men think that norms don’t apply to them. Rich guy Grant Cardone, who apparently runs four companies that make $100 million annually, is one such man. He told CNBC recently that his wife wouldn’t be getting a thing for Valentine’s Day. Not roses, not chocolates, not a negligee, not a trip to the Poconos.

“I’m not giving her roses on Valentine’s Day,” Cardone said. “I love her 364 days of the year, so I can abandon Valentine’s Day.”

Oh, okay. I love my child 364 days of the year, but I’m still giving her a birthday gift.

But Cardone feels above the fray of regular-people obligations. “I do not do the holidays other people have,” he continued. “We don’t travel when other people travel. It’s more expensive and it’s more crowded. Why am I going to rush off to do Christmas when everybody else is doing Christmas?”

Yes, perhaps he’s a genius who has lifehacked his way to setting his own schedule for everything (by being super rich), but you have to wonder if his wife is jazzed on missing out on the traditions just because Cardone is loaded. It may be, as he suggests, the “secret to being a millionaire,” but it’s also the secret to disappointing people who love you and for whom you can easily toss a bouquet or 12 on a romantic, or any, holiday.