Couples Owe It to Singles to Keep On Banging in Quarantine

Be strong, and do not waver in your domestic horniness

Listen up, couples.  It’s been an intense four months — probably the longest bout of enforced intimacy you’ve had in any relationship. You might love your partner more than ever, but that doesn’t mean living in a bubble with them for the rest of the year is an appealing notion. The micromanaging of shared space, the now-familiar routines, the perennial disagreements… it doesn’t exactly set the stage for sex. Nor do the stresses of a deadly, raging pandemic.

But c’mon. You gotta keep fucking.

Right now, millions of single people are sitting at home, wondering when they’ll get to bone again. Among the unattached population, some took the calculated risk of meeting and hooking up under quarantine, but many are celibate out of reasonable caution — and they are starved for human touch. Which do you think offends them more: That certain couples are going to bed whenever they feel like it, or that certain other couples are not taking advantage of captivity? 

Were I single, I know which would piss me off — the pairs who can’t seem to find the time, energy or interest to bring each other to climax. How dare they. I’m not here to libido-shame anyone, as we all have our own appetites to satisfy. Under other circumstances, your all-but-chaste domestic arrangements wouldn’t matter. In 2020, though, I believe you owe it to the vast legion of not-fucking Americans to make a good-faith effort on this. You have the means. Do it. Now.

Can you remember being a virgin? You fantasized about sex, and the moment you’d be inducted into adulthood by having it. Now imagine that one day, someone told virgin-you that sex is a myth — nobody really does it, and the entirety of horniness as represented in the culture is a lot of big talk. This is about where we’re at with people daily performing insatiable lust on social media, only to spend night after night unfulfilled because “the mood” didn’t strike.

Passively or not, skipping the bang sesh is an insult to everyone who doesn’t have the option.

I hope I’m not coming down too hard on you here. It’s just that if couples don’t get off, then what are the singles looking forward to? We must be the lustful sybarites we wish to see in the world. Too much depends on the faith that intercourse, however you like it, is not only possible but continues to be practiced and — dare I say it? — perfected.

Change the sheets and get busy.