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An Open Letter To The California Powerball Winner Who Never Claimed Their Jackpot

What’s up? Where are you? Wanna date?

Hey hon,

It’s your duty as an American citizen to come forward and claim your jackpot. It’s also your duty to take me on a date.

Thanks to the local news, I know you probably live in Chino Hills or another city in the greater San Bernardino area. That said, I’d love to give you the opportunity to take me on a date … in L.A. Or, seeing as you’ll have the cash, you can also get creative and take me on a Bachelor-style date where you fly me to a surprise location for a night, like San Francisco or Hawaii. However, if your mind went in the direction of picking me up in a helicopter and flying me to Chino Hills, you should know that the very thought of Chino Hills causes me to experience a full-body fever chill followed by a very minor, almost undetectable, dry heave. No offense. I just think our first date should be about you and me going somewhere together that’s not Chino Hills.

Also, I don’t particularly trust helicopters. I’m more of a prop plane/private jet kind of person. If you’re drawing a blank on first date ideas, I can either send you a list of activities I like, or things I think are yummy, before you make any snap judgements. I don’t want to be disappointed by you before we even have a chance to meet, you know?

If we hit it off, I feel like you should just move to L.A. There are way more opportunities for you here, and I think I’ve made my feelings for you pretty clear. I could see you living comfortably in a hotel for a few months while we house hunt. I’m not, like, going to move in with you right away or anything — I’m just an independent woman with great taste who happens to be interested in real estate. Consider me less of a gold-digger and more of an asset to your personal brand. If you want to put me in touch with your money manager, lawyer and/or financial planner so that they can vet me and assure you I truly have your best interests at heart, feel free! I assure you they will love me.

While we’re broaching the subject, I want to make it known that this isn’t about gold-digging for me. If it was, I’d be addressing the Florida Powerball winner as well. And I’m not. Chino Hills may be a no-go, but Florida is a total DNR. Also, I’ve never dated a rich guy in my entire life. Honestly, they scare me. But I saw an inspirational quote on Instagram today that read “Never let your fear decide your fate,” so here I am, even though I loathe inspirational Instagram posts. Because your net worth after taxes will be $328 million—and mine will be a figure we can discuss privately on our third date—you should probably feel chill about paying for things like dinners, vacations, surprise gifts, etc. I say that now because I don’t want you to resent me later. I think you’ll find that what I tend to lack monetarily I make up for in LOLs. And sex. Now might be a good time to let you know I’m into anal.

Kids are a real TBD for me, but I’m open to adoption and/or surrogates. Marriage is also a TBD for me, but I can probably be swayed depending on what kind of jewelry is involved.

Let’s talk plastic surgery! I’ve spent a lot of time Googling past lottery winners, and I understand there’s a real chance you’re more Chino Hills than L.A. While I identify as a Buddhist, and truly believe that the body is merely a vessel for the soul, I’m totally down to help you physically transform yourself in a way that your soul and body are on an even playing field, so to speak. In fact, let’s be plastic surgery buddies! There are all sorts of treatments I’ve looked into and have been wanting to try, so I think this could be a real bonding experience for us.

Charity is so, so important to me, and not just because it’s considered a tax write-off. I hope it’s important to you too, because I have this idea I think you might be into. It involves building a one-bedroom home for a cat I had to give away because she pissed and shat on everything that was dear to me. I’m thinking we re-adopt her and move her into her own place? Let’s talk about it on a trip to Koh Samui.

I get that you might not want a romantic relationship with me, and while I can’t say I fully understand that decision, I’d have no choice but to respect it. In fact, I’m more than happy to assume a paid position as your lifestyle consultant, which means I’d do things like find you a personal chef and get you set up with an Equinox membership.

The bottom line is that it’s on you to make this dream a reality. I’m really excited for our first date and our future together, whatever that may be.

Love and light,

Lara Marie Schoenhals is a contributor at MEL. She previously wrote about the Instafamous couple taking over your feed and throwing epic parties.

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