For most people, tomorrow is International Midwives Day. But for a solemn few, it’s also Cinco de Mayo. The holiday is meant to celebrate the defeat of the French army during the Battle of Puebla (Batalla de Puebla) in Mexico on May 5, 1862. But here in America, where we like to appropriate other people’s cultures, many of us will be drinking like assholes. And to honor the most sacred of American traditions — binging, duh — we’ve put together a list of all the ways to consume a bevy of alcoholic beverages without having to use a glass. Why? Because they add an extra step, and we want getting drunk to be as easy as possible. This is the US of A, remember.
The Body Shot
And on the 69th day, God invented the belly button, for body shots. Think about it: 44 millimeters of booze consumed by one person off the chest or the stomach of another person has to involve some kind of divine intervention. Our favorite version involves one person lying on the floor, a table or a bar, getting a shot poured over his or her body. Then, another person drinks it up. Sometimes, it’s a three-person affair, with one person lying down, one person pouring the booze into the belly button and a third person drinking it from the naval, or some such. Of course there are many more variations and virtually no rules when it comes to body shots, because they are ridiculous. Except for maybe a clean body. That seems ideal.
The Upside-Down Margarita
Admittedly, I didn’t know the upside down margarita was called the upside-down margarita. I just thought it was a right of passage any tourist who’s ever been to Cabo is required to go through. It works like this: someone sits in a chair with their head held back and their mouth wide open. Someone else then pours in their mouth a shot of margarita mix, followed by a shot of tequila, followed by a little more mix. When finished, the lucky soul who received the drink leans forward, shakes their head to mix the ingredients together and drinks it down in one gulp. Arriba!
It might as well be called the All American Keg Stand, if only because it’s hard to believe any other country has the same indifference to human decency when it comes to getting drunk. The popular college drinking activity mandates that the participant does a handstand on a keg of beer and attempts to drink as much as possible for as long as possible as other people hold their legs up. And in case you were wondering, the Gospel Coalition and Senior Pastor Kevin DeYoung want you to know that, “Christ Did Not Die for You to Do Keg Stands.”
Slap the Bag
The version of yourself that slaps the bag after they’ve finished chugging boxed wine like Franzia is the version of yourself that gives absolutely no fucks. So leave it to college kids to take an already classless drinking ritual and bring it down one notch lower. The how is simple: Release your self-respect and remove the bag from the box. Have a friend (or stranger — good bonding experience) hold the bag tightly at just above your face.Open the spigot, and chug for as long as you can. Then, close the spigot, breathe for a second, and slap the bag to signal that you are done. Finally, reach out for whatever ounce of dignity you may have left to find there’s nothing there.
“You can’t have too much of a good thing,” says the college student who’s just finished shotgunning a beer and taking a keg stand, and now somehow wants to drink more. Usher in the beer bong, a device composed of a funnel attached to a tube commonly used to facilitate the rapid consumption of Natty Ice, Keystone, Pabst or any other American lager that tastes more like piss water than it does malted barley. For better or worse, the beer bong is so all-American someone even offered one to then-Senator John Kerry at a tailgate party in 2006. He declined, surely knowing that nothing good happens after you beer bong, especially not in politics
Boob or Ice Luge
Slippery when wet. That’s the theme of this final and perhaps most unusual contraption for guzzling alcohol. First up, the ice luge. This Da Vinci-adjacent invention is a type of ice sculpture made from a large block of ice that has a narrow channel carved through into it which liquid is poured. There’s the DIY version and the version you can buy fully sculpted and primed for debauchery. But if you’re cash-poor or lazy like me, turn your attention to the female form. The boob luge is an ungodly creation that was ironically crafted by our divine creator. Here’s how it works: A woman pushes her boobs together and someone (hopefully not her mother or father) pours liquor down her cleavage while someone else (hopefully not her brother or sister) is at the bottom of her rack funneling the alcohol into their mouth. Yes, this is a thing and no, you shouldn’t try it on a first date. Unless your date is at the Cabo Cantina, in which case it’s doomed either way. Sorry.