If you’re reading this, you fucked up. You didn’t think about what you were gonna be for Halloween, and now the weekend’s here and you’re literally like, “I hate dressing up/What am I going to do with my life/Who am I, really/What am I all about/Maybe I won’t go out this weekend.” Instead of crumbling under the pressure and forgoing a weekend of debauchery, simply refer to this list of easy-to-pull-off costumes that will suit just about anyone who’s found themselves in a costume-less predicament this Halloween season.
What Does a Sexy Male Halloween Costume Look Like?
Zombie Vine
Pay homage to the recently deceased social media app: Wrap ivy all over your body, apply makeup that makes you look like the walking dead and speak only in six-second loops.
Woke Bae
In order to pull this off, just wear whatever boxers or underwear you normally sleep in, and mess up your hair so it has a bedhead look. Wear a shirt that says “STOP THE PINK TAX” and draw a female symbol tattoo on your forearm. Accessorize your costume with a fuzzy throw blanket, slippers and a book by Virginia Woolf, bell hooks, Margaret Atwood or Elena Ferrante. If you can hold an intelligent conversation about any of those authors for more than five minutes, you might actually get laid!
A Meme
Dress as something everyone loves: memes! Cut a square hole in a piece of white foam board and attach it to yourself to frame your upper body. Write typical meme captions on smaller pieces of foam board and attach them to the top of the foam board you’re wearing as the night unfolds. Some caption ideas:
When you binge-drink in order to mask your crippling social anxiety.
When you’d literally fuck anyone at the party to get back at your ex.
When you’ve given yourself over to the blackout.
(To successfully pull this costume off, you’re going to need to attend a Halloween event where you can stash parts of it throughout the night. House parties: ideal. Bars: not ideal.)
9/11 Truther
Wear a tinfoil cap over your head, and carry a sign that says “9/11 was an inside job.” Whenever someone questions your sign, tell them “Jet fuel can’t melt steel beams” and ask them to explain why World Trade Building 7 collapsed. When they can’t, yell “Ha!” and forward them a link to Loose Change. If people get offended by your costume, insist that you’re “Just asking questions, man,” and give them some literature on the subject.
Hillary Clinton’s “Slutty” Emails
Print out mundane email exchanges with your cat-sitter and personal assistants and glue them all over your naked body. If someone tries to read one or ask what it says, rip it off and tear it to shreds! The more people you interact with, the sluttier your costume becomes.
A Dick Pic
Print out a picture of your dick and stick it to the front of a t-shirt. Sexy and bold!
Bad Hombres
Grab your BFF, because you’re gonna need a partner. Leave the sombrero and poncho at home. A less terrible option might be the signature look of a truly bad hombre, El Chapo. Get a fake mustache, and put on a polo shirt and khaki pants. Accessorize with a baseball cap, a gold-plated gun and a brick of cocaine.
Samsung Galaxy Note 7 Owner
Paint your face with charcoal, blow your hair out with hair gel and wear shredded clothing so it looks like you’ve been in an explosion. (Bonus points for embedding shards of glass in your skin.)
Tiny House
Paint a cardboard box to look like a miniature log cabin and cut some holes in it so your arms and head can stick out. Make sure to tell all the women you meet how energy-efficient and cozy you are. They’ll lose their minds! Women love tiny homes!
Institutionalized Misogyny
A super-simple costume that any man can pull off. There’s no need to dress up at all—just go as yourself!
