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Which Sign Has the Hottest Sex?

And: Which is most likely to appreciate a grand romantic gesture?

I’ve been told so many times that most straight men don’t (or won’t) believe in astrology. And yet, the more I yap about it to the guys around me, the more interested they seem to become. So this column is dedicated to those dudes: The suspicious and the curious, the skeptical and the inquisitive. I’ll be here every week, tackling the stuff your basic-ass horoscopes will never get into. Because you know what? You might think astrology is esoteric snake-oil, but everyone around you still judges you based on your star sign.

Given that it’s Valentine’s Day and all, which sign is most likely to appreciate a grand romantic gesture Say Anything… style? — Ronald S., Virgo

As a rule, I’d say if the person is a water sign (Cancer, Scorpio or Pisces) or an earth sign (Taurus, Virgo or Capricorn), they’ll likely take the gesture more seriously and either love it and obsess over who you are (Scorpio especially), or freak out and do some serious investigating (looking at you, Mr. Virgo).

If you’re dealing with fire signs (Aries, Leo or Sagittarius), they’ll not only LOVE the attention, but they’ll also probably walk around bragging about their no-longer-secret admirer. They won’t, however, be nearly as concerned with who actually sent it (aka you), so that may be disappointing (unless you really don’t WANT to be found out, though that doesn’t sound like the case here).

Finally, if you’re dealing with an air sign (Gemini, Libra or Aquarius), expect to be met with a cool response — ranging from general dismissiveness (Gemini), to the person giving a grand total of zero shits about you (Aquarius). In that case, pray that they’re a Libra. Those fools love attention and are far more likely to give you the response you want, since they generally reflect the gestures of those around them.

Which signs have the hottest sex? — Ash C., Pisces

IMHO, Capricorns. They’re closet freaks. Capricorns are ruled by Saturn, the restrictive asshole who prevents them from telling their crushes how they actually feel (see above), or acting on their impulses. But since they’re so weighed down by their sense of duty and responsibility — also remember, Capricorns represent what is publicly seen — when they do let go in an environment that’s “safe” and they gain some trust for a person, they have the ability to unleash holy hell on that ass (in an intensely pleasurable way, of course).

Write to me! Because dude, I’m more than happy to tell you what your sign means w/r/t whatever is happening in your bedroom, with your friends and family or your job/office. Hmu at erin.taj@melindustries.com.