Until recently, going down on a man was as common as the missionary position when it came to sex. It was assumed that every guy wanted it, and every straight girl wanted to be good at it. Speaking for myself, I know that as a teacher’s pet with an unparalleled dedication to being a “good girl,” the moment I became a horny teen, I was devoted to gaining a reputation for being a next-level dick-sucker.
In high school, my gay best friend would dutifully give me lessons on a bottle of blue Curaçao, yelling at me to suck it like I’d taken dentures out as New Order blasted in the background. He told me horror stories about barfing on dicks while drunk to get me to brush my soft palate with a toothbrush until my gag reflex was nonexistent. By the end of his training, I’d graduated magna cum laude in dick-sucking.
Which is why the first time I had a guy tell me he didn’t care for it, I was shocked. Were other men just pretending to enjoy the act, too? The thought had never even crossed my mind. Luckily, as a certified eager slut, I have other tricks up my sleeve, but I’ve still always wondered, what’s up with guys who don’t like having their dicks sucked?
“Most guys act like getting a blow job is the most mind-blowing experience of their lives,” Jim, a 45-year-old from Texas, tells me. “Yet I sometimes think that guys love blow jobs not because the sensation is that great, but more because of the thought of what someone is doing to them.”
It’s not just a horrible first experience that turns them off either. Robert, a 48-year-old in San Francisco, got his first beej at a church youth camping trip, but unfortunately, it wasn’t as hot as it sounds. “She asked me explicitly if I liked it, and I said yes, not knowing if I actually did. I remember thinking, Is that all there is? After that, I thought maybe it was her — that she was doing it wrong. Subsequent experiences would prove that theory wrong. It’s nice, but just not my thing.”
A chivalrous group (or full of shit depending on your level of cynicism), most of the men I speak to say they can’t enjoy getting a hummer because they’re givers rather than receivers. Karl, a 43-year-old in NYC, falls into this category: “I get off on the other person getting off, so when it’s a one-way street and the pleasure is all mine, it doesn’t do it for me.”
Eric, a 35-year-old Angeleno, agrees. “I don’t like the feeling that someone’s doing something because they have to and that they’re not getting any pleasure from it,” he explains. “I enjoy pleasing my partner more than being pleased, but I’m steadfast in my refusal to believe that somebody else — especially a sexual partner — could feel the same.”
Other men don’t mind it as part of the sexual experience, but it will never be the thing that makes them cum. “I look at getting oral as something of an appetizer, if anything. It’s never the end game,” says Karl. “At my age, there are only so many nuts to bust and to waste one in a mouth rather than a pussy seems counterproductive for both parties.” Dexter, a 43-year-old in Sacramento, feels the same: “Blow jobs are mostly foreplay for me. That’s really it. Obviously, they allow you to get crazy in an Arby’s bathroom, so it’s a great limited space solution. But in general, I like it as part of a larger sexual routine.” (Take it from me, Dexter, what you can do in an Arby’s bathroom is limited only by your imagination and lack of alcohol consumption.)
Only two guys cited pain as the reason they don’t like blow jobs and both happen to be uncircumcised, like Joe, a 40-year-old in Dallas who says he’s “too sensitive to enjoy it.” “Tongue texture feels like sandpaper,” he claims. “Cultural attitudes toward uncircumcised dicks also makes me self-conscious. Even the wokest, most body-positive women tend to be openly repulsed and dismissive of any critique of that repulsion.”
Spencer, a 28-year-old in Toronto, has a similar story: “I’m uncircumcised so my head has always been very sensitive, and combined with the size of my penis, most partners don’t get more than just the head in their mouth, making the experience intense and sharp.”
Of course, no matter their objection, their female partners almost always have less-than-ideal reactions. One guy says it’s similar to when he says he doesn’t like football, and a few men have even been asked if they’re gay. They also fear it’s something their girlfriends might dump them over. “After years of being together, my ex-girlfriend was finally like, ‘I just wanna suck dick!’” Kevin, a 32-year-old in L.A., says. “Now she’s with a Marine.”
Some guys have developed workarounds to avoid Kevin’s fate — e.g., adding a submissive element. “If she’s on the sub side, I’ve found that it can be more exciting because there’s more interaction,” confides one dude who didn’t want to be named. “I can throw in a few slaps, choking and hair pulling, as desired. I guess I like being part of the action, rather just laying back and getting all the attention.”
Ass play is the key for 34-year-old Alex. “If I get a finger or tongue around my taint or asshole, it’s a different ballgame. It’s still not really the oral that I’m enjoying, but the naughty aspect of the anal stuff,” he tells me. “When we 69 [nice!], I also will have no problem staying hard because I’m more focused on what I’m doing so my brain isn’t sabotaging me and I genuinely enjoy that.”
That said, never doubt the power of a woman who knows what she wants and how to get it. “After I told this one woman that I couldn’t cum from head, she said, ‘Oh grow up!’ Then she sucked the soul out of me and just left,” says Eric.
Wow! I have a new mission in life: to be a world-class dick-sucker and soul-sucker.
Desi Jedeikin
Desi Jedeikin is a writer living in Los Angeles. She co-hosts the podcast Hollywood Crime Scene and has lots of things in development that will probably never happen. She wastes a lot of time on Twitter @desijed.
