It’s late at night. Maybe you’re working on a deadline. Maybe you’re playing a video game. Maybe you’re just rewatching Peep Show for the 12th time. Then you get a text. Its mere three letters gradually resolve into the scenario being laid out before you.
Yes, u r up.
In a matter of minutes you’re out the door, heading to your lady texter’s place, as you have a hundred times before. But this time, something’s different. Something calls you into the bodega, the 7-Eleven or whatever they have in England.
That siren song you heard, taking you on a detour before your fated rendezvous? That was me, and I’m sure you’re wondering why I called you here today.
Well, we’ve talked about technique. We’ve talked about texting. And now I want to discuss the art of the hookup kit. Maybe “kit” is a bit much, but it calls to mind the Scout Motto, which should become yours as well: “Be prepared.”
You can head into a hookup like a man wandering naked into the woods, and sure, sometimes you’ll be fine. But do a little bit of prep, and things are always going to be more pleasant. Here then is a list of suggested “dick appointment” supplies that are easily obtainable at any fine convenience establishment. They draw upon both my own experience as a consummate Chad, and the responses of dozens of women I asked on Twitter.
Over and over again, the responses to my inquiry requested one thing: Snacks. And that makes sense — sex is hungry work, after all.
One of the greatest triumphs in my life is having a pizza arrive at the door less than a minute after I made a girl nut. You’re welcome to try and duplicate this accomplishment, but it’s probably easier to just have stuff on hand.
So what do you bring?
Portability is key here, which makes energy bars (Clif Bars are my go-to), anything in the chip aisle and candy perfect. A purely unscientific conjecture on my part is that Flamin’ Hot Cheetos are the horniest chip-adjacent snack, though Takis are a contender as well.
If you want to go healthier, fruit is always a good option. Bananas are easy to eat and find, and have the added bonus of a suggestive shape. Berries are nice, too — a girl once brought me fresh strawberries, and after I had one, I was pretty much a goner. Conversely, I wouldn’t recommend you try what another woman once did to me, which is cut up an entire melon and slide pieces sensually up my body and into my mouth. Leave that to the sexual professionals.
If I may paraphrase a classic video, an assortment of drinks in your bag is going to open up the world to you. Right out of the gate, a number of the women told me they love when guys bring them seltzer. Why wouldn’t they? Whatever you call it — soda, sparkling, seltzer — it’s super water. I think there’s a psychological effect here too. It’s like sure, baby, you could drink your tap water to slake your powerful thirst. Or, you could drink this super water I brought for you. Power move.
On the alcoholic end of things, a few bottles of a dependable beer rarely goes unappreciated. A bottle of wine can be classy, but is a harder needle to thread than beer; for whatever reason, in the U.S. wine signifies a more serious and/or romantic mood, so tread carefully.
As for liquor, bringing an entire bottle of gin is maybe a bit much, but something smaller can be nice. Maybe it’s just me, but flasks are really cool? That said, recognize that there might be some trust issues in offering something that isn’t in its original, unopened bottle to someone you don’t know very well.
Lastly, if your appointment is earlier in the day, then showing up with coffee — especially an iced coffee in the warmer months — is sexual dynamite.
First, condoms. You have your own, right? Please bring them. Skip the frills and stick to the basics. It also doesn’t hurt to have some non-latex (polyisoprene) ones on hand, which offer the same protection against STIs and pregnancy as normal condoms but without the damper of causing an incredibly unsexy reaction in those with latex allergies.
Second, lube. As a rule, heterosexual men don’t seem to own it — unless they’re exceptionally advanced masturbators. But listen: Sometimes you need a little extra something to keep it moving. Not everyone’s bodies produce enough natural lubrication for comfortable intercourse. And if you’re planning on doing anal, lube is an absolute necessity. I like Sliquid Sassy, but there are plenty of other options. If you get overwhelmed, just stick with water-based,unscented, and preferably not your father’s KY Jelly.
I know some of you are going to groan about all this. “Isn’t this asking too much for a ‘dick appointment’?” you’re probably saying. But all I’m saying is this: One quick stop at the drugstore before your meeting shows the kind of consideration that might mean the difference between a ghosting and a repeat engagement. And having a reputation as the guy who brings seltzer, provides snacks, and is prepared with lube and condoms? That, my friends, is going to pay dividends.