Photo by Dicko Chan

Weed Pills, Reviewed

When medical marijuana is quite literally medicine

As a major anxiety sufferer and California resident, I’ve had a prescription for medical marijuana since 2006. In the decade since, I have tried — and made — all sorts of crazy cannabis products, but these days every time I go to the dispensary I see some new thing that you can eat or drink or rub on your body. As a public service, I decided to test out some of the more intriguing options to see whether they live up to the hype.

I’m getting high for you, folks, and don’t you forget it.

So let’s find out what happened this week, when I tossed back some oh-so-convenient weed pills. Did I hit up a dope sushi happy hour… twice? Did I get chills watching Kate McKinnon’s action sequence in Ghostbusters? Did I discover my boyfriend didn’t know Kate McKinnon is gay? Let’s find out.

Product: Hashman Revive Canna Caps and Hashman Therapeutic Relief Canna Caps

Ingredients: Marijuana concentrate

Purchased From: Organic Kind Delivery Service

Suggested Dosage: Who really knows? But each $10 pack comes with two pills. Each Revive pill contains 60mg sativa THC, and each Therapeutic Relief pill contains 10mg CBD and 10mg THC.

Actual Dosage: So I bought both types of pills because I am nothing if not thorough, and also because after having had those CBD cocktails at Gracias Madre, I have been on a real CBD kick. So I started off the afternoon by taking both Therapeutic Relief pills and heading to happy hour at a conveyor belt sushi restaurant in Hollywood. Later, once I was sure I had felt the full effect of the “therapy,” I took one 60mg sativa Revive pill.

Flavor: No flavor! Because they’re just pills! Not even some of that horrible flavor you get when you take gross vitamins on an empty stomach and then you burp and you can taste the gross vitamins in your belly. Seriously made me question why we’re all fucking with eating the shit when you can just take a nice lil pill and be done with it.

The High: By the time we stopped at 7–11 on our way to happy hour, I was already feeling both a manageable head high and a delightful amount of body tingles. Therapeutic indeed; I felt fucking great, and for only $10. “I guess we’ll just take our pile of candy and cigarettes then,” I said to the cashier, moving to sweep the brightly colored jumble of king-size Kit-Kats, Reese’s, Baby Ruths, Marlboros, and peanut butter M&Ms into my arms. He laughed and offered us a bag.

Here’s the thing about conveyor belt sushi: It is goddamn mesmerizing. It can be quite difficult to carry on a conversation while you’re waiting to see what new, delicious thing is going to be conveyed directly into your hands and mouth. We were both crazy hungry and since everything was three goddamn dollars we went to town. Sometimes these days, as a 30-year-old adult doing her best to not cause a fucking ruckus, it can be stressful to be high in public. But these pills were straight-up terrific, man. The body highs did not quit and I was stoned enough to really enjoy gorging on sushi but not too stoned to have some truly quality conversation with my friend. I didn’t get paranoid or freak out even a little.

Around 4:30 my first friend left and some other friends showed up to meet me and my boyfriend for a Ghostbusters double date. While we were waiting for him to arrive the three of us went back to sushi, obvi, and I popped that 60mg THC pill and ordered another Sapporo. Boyfriend showed up just in time and we got popcorn and Cherry Cokes and went into the movie and sat down and I said, “Oh yeah, by the way, I also have a giant bag of candy,” and everyone’s eyes went real wide.

I enjoyed the movie! I was, admittedly, quite high, and, at this point, a little bit drunk. But y’all, I felt lovely. (I am not going to turn this into a Ghostbusters review but basically Leslie Jones forever and Kate McKinnon also forever, but in my pants.) The movie ended and I was high af and full af and my boyfriend drove me home and I explained to him that yes, Kate McKinnon is gay IRL, sorry buddy. By the time I flopped onto my bed and remembered that I had work to do, I was sober enough that I could work, but not so sober that working was fun or easy. I fell asleep very, very quickly and had very strange dreams, but woke up without one of those weed hangovers that sometimes plague me.

Conclusion: Aside from doing what I must to write this column, I’m not sure I’m ever going to take any other edibles besides these pills. They were so simple and so chill and so nothing-tasting! Six out of six pot leaves, hands down. Both types, highly recommend. Going to Disneyland? Weed pills. Dope concert? Weed pills. Seven-course fancy-ass dinner? Weed pills. Your friend’s wedding where you’ll have to see all those annoying people from high school? Weed motherfucking pills. They should put that on the bottle: perfect for any occasion.