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Weed Bath Salts, Reviewed

This is the greatest bath you will ever take

As a major anxiety sufferer and California resident, I’ve had a prescription for medical marijuana since 2006. In the decade since, I have tried — and made — all sorts of crazy cannabis products, but these days every time I go to the dispensary I see some new thing that you can eat or drink or rub on your body. As a public service, I decided to test out some of the more intriguing options to see whether they live up to the hype.

I’m getting high for you, folks, and don’t you forget it.

So what happened this week, when I took my luxurious bath habit to the next level? Did I ruin myself for all other bath products? Did I drink three La Croix in 20 minutes? Did I learn the true meaning of bliss? Let’s find out.

Product: Whoopi & Maya Medical Cannabis Lavender Bath Soak

Purchased from: Greenly Delivery Service

Ingredients: Pharmacological-grade epsom salt, apricot kernel oil, avocado seed oil, sun grown cannabis, jojoba oil, tocopherol (vitamin E), aloe vera, and essential oils.

Suggested dosage: Each jar contains 25mg THC and each jar is a single serving.

Actual dosage: I threw that whole jar in the tub, baby.

The experience: Yes, this is from Whoopi Goldberg’s own branded line of marijuana products. Don’t ask me why, as Whoopi’s crayness has been well-documented, but if a rich lady wants to put her money into making me some nice weed playthings, I’m all for that. Although the product is theoretically for PMS and menstrual relief, I don’t get either PMS or menstrual pains; I’ve been period-free ever since I got my first IUD nine years ago. However, I did wake up that morning with a wretched crick in my neck, an affliction that persons of all genders suffer from, so it felt like the perfect time to test out the relaxation and pain-relieving abilities of Whoopi’s fancy bath salts.

I take a lot of baths. Like, so many baths that I consider bathing to be a legitimate hobby of mine. I have a wide variety of oils, bubbles, salts, bombs and bars that I use in varying combinations depending on my needs at the time. I’ve never taken a weed bath before, but this soak had a high bar to clear in order to really impress me.

I started by drawing a very hot bath — I like my water piping to the point where it hurts a little when you get into it and your face masque doesn’t even really dry because you’re sweating so much. The jar said to use all of the contents and to make sure to rinse it in the hot water to get every little last bit of goodness in the tub, so I did that too. I grabbed some La Croix and delicately lowered my body into the steaming water.

The smell was delightful—not even a hint of marijuana. It was like being in a soft, hot cloud scented with lavender and peppermint and probably some eucalyptus too. I’m not a huge fan of lavender on its own, but the combination of essential oils was relaxing and luxurious. The salts dissolved quickly and easily and didn’t stab me in the buttcheeks like some epsom salts are wont to do. There was a perfect abundance of oil — I mean, look at that ingredients list, it’s just terrific — that transformed my bathtime experience into something closer to a hot water massage.

Usually I read or watch TV on my computer when I’m in the bath, but I knew I had to work on that neck tweak so I simply lay down, fully submerged except for my face, and floated blissfully. The jar recommends staying in for 15 to 20 minutes to get the full effect, so I timed myself and stayed in for the full 20. When I was done—even though I was ready to get out, guzzling La Croix and hot af—I felt a twinge of regret that I had to drain the tub of all its marijuana magic.

Afterward it was difficult to tell if I was a little stoned or if my body was just the most relaxed it’s felt in years. My skin was ultra-moisturized without feeling gross or greasy, I smelled fantastic, and the awful pain in my neck had diminished to a faint whisper. I don’t remember what I did after collapsing into bed — probably masturbate — but I know I felt great doing it.

Conclusion: Six out of six pot leaves! Holy hell! I’m currently kicking myself for not buying more of this because it’s the only bath product I ever want to use now. I’ve been recommending it to everyone I know and plan on buying a bunch to give as presents because who couldn’t use a heavenly weed bath to make their life hella more chill? Everyone should be hella more chill! Weed bath salts are the answer, friends. Truly, they are weed innovation at its finest.