Is there any sexual experience as coveted as the threesome? Guaranteed to make an appearance on any list of popular sexual fantasies, the threesome — ménage à trois if you’re classy — has an obvious appeal. It’s just like regular sex, only with more to go around! Double your fun by doubling your partner count!
Here’s the problem: Most threesomes suck.
It’s not that there’s anything inherently wrong with threesomes, per se. Done well, they can be an exquisite experience. But the same could be said of riding a motorcycle off a ski jump or landing a triple axel — and most of us know well enough to leave those to the pros.
What’s the trouble with threesomes? Well, for starters, it’s enough of a challenge to find one person who’s both willing to have sex with you and compatible enough with all your weird sexual quirks to ensure a mutually enjoyable experience. Threesomes up the ante by not only requiring you to find an additional willing person (a significant challenge in and of itself, judging by the number of couples trolling Tinder and OkCupid in search of a unicorn), but also making the sex act itself vastly more complex.
In two-person sex, you’ve already got the challenge of trying to get off while ensuring your partner’s also experiencing pleasure; in a threesome, there’s one more orgasmic response cycle to worry about. Optimists will note that threesomes offer the opportunity to team up with a friend and double a bedmate’s pleasure — but they’re just as likely to create a case of too many cocks spoiling the, er… nevermind. (And, in the case of the bafflingly popular MFF threesome, there’s the issue of dealing with a less-than-optimal tab to slot ratio — so many orifices, not quite enough to penetrate them with.)
Then, of course, there’s the emotional end of the equation. Plenty of ink has been spilled on the subject of how to have a threesome without ruining your otherwise-monogamous relationship. But even if you’re not worried about the long-term effects a third will have on your two-person dynamic (whether because your relationship is open or because you’re not actually dating anyone involved in your ménage à trois), threesomes can still bring up some uncomfortable emotions guaranteed to ruin a good time (unless jealousy, insecurity and anxiety happen to be your particular turn-ons).
At some point during most group sex acts, the threesome will transform into a twosome plus one, potentially leaving the voyeur feeling awkward, uncomfortable and undesirable. Even if you manage to get through an entire night of three-person pleasure keeping everyone involved at all times, there’s still the chance that watching another person’s sexual skills in action might lead you to feel insecure about your own performance — it requires a lot of confidence and self-assuredness to get through group sex with your ego intact.
None of this is really intended as an indictment of threesomes, let alone a suggestion that they should be avoided at all costs. Because if you can pull off an evening where all three parties are equally into it, and everyone gets off and no one’s feelings get hurt, you’ll have achieved one of the most complex sex moves in the world. That’s a pretty remarkable achievement, and certainly something worthwhile for those willing to put in the effort.
But most threesome-seekers aren’t interested in putting in effort; they’re looking for an effortless experience that magically unfolds, offering up bountiful orgasms without logistical difficulty or emotional labor. And that’s the true trouble with threesomes: They actually take work.
Lux Alptraum is a writer, consultant and comedian with one thing on her mind. Follow her on Twitter at @luxalptraum.
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