Say you follow a girl on Twitter or Instagram. She’s funny, she’s cute and you’d like to get to know her better. How can you slide into those DMs without making it weird?
Here’s a guide — informed both by my own experiences and by some of the many thirsty ladies of social media — intended to help you make the transition from public friends to naughty private message buddies (or maybe even more).
Make sure you know each other well enough.
Many women said that the most successful slides into their DMs were by men they were already friendly with. If you’ve tweeted at her more than once and she hasn’t responded, faved or followed you back, she’s letting you know that she’s not interested in knowing you at all.
If you follow each other and have tweet conversations regularly, especially flirty ones, it’s possible she’ll be open to beginning a private conversation.
Make sure this lady in particular is open to DM slides.
Now it’s time to look for other cues.
Is she in a monogamous relationship? Don’t.
Are you? Double don’t.
Is she even interested in men? I probably don’t need to tell you not to bother lesbians.
Is she open to the concept of DM slides in general?
I know it might sound unbelievable, but not everyone is on social media to slake their never-ending thirst. Some women just don’t want anyone in their DMs for sexy talk reasons; some said they would regard the slide itself as a form of harassment. These ladies are usually upfront about their preferences, so just make sure to notice and respect their wishes. There are plenty of us who do enjoy a naughty chat; there’s no need to impose on those who don’t.
Don’t slide in dick-first.
Some women like dick pics. Some women don’t. But no one likes a dick pic they haven’t consented to seeing.
You wouldn’t whip it out the second you started talking if you met her at a bar (at least, I reaaaallllly hope you wouldn’t), and it’s not appropriate electronically either. Maybe she wants to see it. She’ll let you know if that’s the case! Every single woman I spoke to said they were disgusted by unsolicited dick pics, whether they gleefully solicited them in other cases, or never wanted to see any at all.
Take rejection like an adult, if it happens.
If it turns out you aren’t welcome in her DMs (there’s no accounting for taste!), she will most likely either let you know by saying so, or by not responding at all.
She may receive many unwanted DMs, especially if she is a celebrity or a popular tweeter with many followers, and not have time to respond to them all. She may be wary of sending a clear message of rejection, as many men have been known to turn violent and/or abusive when rejected, especially in private messages where they think only their target will know what a jerk they are.
Don’t be that guy. If she doesn’t respond, say to yourself, “It’s her loss!” and go about your day. You can’t force someone to be interested in you, and why would you want to? There are plenty more sex-crazed fish in the social media sea.
Don’t send more messages if the first goes unanswered.
For the love of God don’t confront her publicly about not answering your DMs. And definitely don’t talk trash about her after your unsuccessful DM slide, because you have handed her the ability to humiliate you with the screenshots of your ham-fisted seduction attempts. Don’t say it won’t happen either, because I’ve seen it with my own eyes [shudder].
Be honest about what you want.
Do you want a relationship? Physical, or romantic? Or are you just up for some steamy banter with a hottie who lives wayyyy too far away to ever make your fantasies a reality?
If you’re clear about what you’re looking for, she can be clear with you about whether she’s interested in what you’re offering. You don’t have to put this all in your opening message — in fact, definitely don’t do that — but make sure that your messages reflect the type of interest you actually have. For example: Don’t get mushy and romantic if you’re just trying to get some booty, and don’t make promises about meeting someone if you know realistically you never will. Just. Be. Honest. It’s the easiest way to get what you really want.
Don’t blow it.
Easier said than done, right?
Look, it’s true that women don’t all want the same thing from DM slides. It turns out we are all individuals, just like dudes! But common courtesy is a good place to start. Be polite and respectful. Don’t go barging in with observations about her body parts or start with overly sexual talk, making her feel like you think she is a free porn-chat bot. Talk to her like a person (she is, after all, a person). Take cues from her responses. If you flirt, does she flirt back? Does she lol at your jokes? Does she steer the conversation toward sex, or away from it? Pay attention, and respond in kind.
Do work up to the good stuff.
And by the good stuff I mean your junk [leers expectantly].
No, but let the conversation flow naturally. You’ll get there. Talk just like you would in public, at first, and gently steer the conversation toward sexy stuff, if that’s where you want it to go. That way you’ll get a better idea of whether she even wants to go there with you; plus, dancing on that line between normal conversation and saucy talk is exciting in itself! Women enjoy foreplay in bed, and flirting is the foreplay of conversation. Get to teasing.
Ophelia Johnson is the pseudonym of a writer in Sydney, Australia. She tweets as IceBergMama.