The Summer of Sam.
The Summer of Love.
“The Summer of ‘69” (nice, says Gronk).
The Summer of Men Posting to Reddit About Sticking Their Dicks in Coconuts.
Decades from now we will remember the summer of 2017 Anno Domini not as the season Western democracy officially crumbled, but as the time when an equally sacred institution, Reddit, was nearly torn asunder by rampant coconut-fucking.
The Great Coconutting of 2017 started three days ago with one brave man confessing to unspeakable acts of inter-organism coitus. Or in layman’s terms: A horny teenager fucked a coconut years ago and recently shared the harrowing experience on Today I Fucked Up, Reddit’s forum for embarrassing personal stories.
The tale begins innocently enough, with a pubescent male looking for a creative break from his typical “fapping” routine. “One day I hear that my mother is going to be out for pretty much the entire afternoon. Horny me decides that it would be a fantastic idea to fuck a coconut. … I end up grabbing the coconut drill and through 20ish minutes of concerted effort end up creating a hole large enough for me to stick my porker into. … I fuck the coconut and it actually feels pretty damn good so I blow my load, shove the coconut under my bed and continue about my day.” [All sic.]
Leaving a cum-filled coconut under your bed is the kind of behavior that only makes sense to a boy in the throes of puberty. But this boy’s crimes against food don’t go unpunished — and no, it doesn’t involve the coconut giving birth to some horrifying half-man, half-coconut creature. Instead, the boy gets a disgusting lesson in not letting his penis override his brain:
“About a week and a bit after the initial coconut fuck (I had been using it pretty much every day since then) I begin to notice a few more flies than usual as well as an odd, unpleasant smell about my room. Must be the coconut right? So I decide that I’ll fuck it once more before I throw it out and get a new one.
Worst mistake I have ever made.
You see, the reason for the increased number of flies was that the coconut was evidently, in hindsight, a nearly perfect place to lay eggs. As I penetrate the coconut one last time I begin to feel a strange wriggling sensation. Puzzled, I pull my cock out to discover that it is COVERED in rotted and moldy butter and semen and TEEMING WITH TINY FUCKING MAGGOTS. They were wriggling all over my dick head and some were even trying to force their way up into my urethra.”
The story is almost certainly bullshit. Today I Fucked Up is notorious for hosting stories of dubious origin, and this one seems particularly suspect. It’s the kind of urban legend you might hear in a junior high locker room.
But that hasn’t stopped hordes of men from sharing their own coconut-fucking stories. Emboldened by one man’s disgusting tale of ecosexual depravity, Today I Fucked Up has been inundated with stories of sitophilia gone wrong the past few days.
- A man breaks a toe fucking a watermelon.
- A man ejaculates into a coconut, and later receives a blowjob from a woman with a coconut allergy.
- A man tries to fuck a coconut and realizes he accidentally bought a kiwi.
- A man ejaculates into a coconut and doesn’t clean up after himself; his roommate later slips on his cum.
- And in one meta post, a man burns himself cooking because he’s so distracted by sordid stories of coconut fucking.
The Coconutting, as it’s come to be called, has hit such a saturation point that other subreddits are already calling for it to end. “Life Pro Tip: if your LPT is about fucking coconuts, it will be removed and you will be banned,” read the top post on the Life Pro Tips subreddit.
Again, these stories are almost certainly fabricated. But it proves that when men aren’t actively putting their penises in exotic places, they’re thinking up elaborate new ways to do so.
