An enormous amount of resources have been devoted to helping men crack the code that is cunnilingus — books have been published, videos made, internet guides compiled and Reddit threads threaded. The advice has been rehashed, recycled and reiterated. So if you’re a novice, I’m not going to belabor points that have already been made a million times (e.g., the efficacy of making the alphabet with your tongue and/or identifying and isolating the clit).
But I will still troubleshoot eating pussy for you. Because despite the wealth of knowledge available, even self-proclaimed connoisseurs struggle when heading down below face first. To get a better sense of these struggles, per usual, I solicited feedback from my Twitter followers and opened up my DMs:
https://twitter.com/BridgetPhetasy/status/1021476695663095808
Below are the concerns that appeared most frequently. Because they arrived en masse, though, I’ve chosen the single question that best represents each category.
Breathing
The Typical Question: My biggest challenge is getting air to breathe. I feel like when she’s close, it’s a battle between getting her off versus getting some air.
My Best Answer: Breathing technique is important, but come on, you don’t have to be a Navy SEAL to go downtown. If I can breathe with a dick in my mouth, you can figure it out with yours on a vagina. In my opinion, men who are having a hard time getting enough air are doing so because they’re breathing through their mouth in order to avoid the smell (more on that later).
But if that’s just how you’re breathing, you’re going to have to find a way to get some air in between licks, which yes, is hard to do as she’s approaching climax. Either learn how to breathe through your nose while you use your mouth, or stimulate her clit with a finger while you grab a breath. Be forewarned, though: Any variation in what’s working as you bring in that orgasm for a landing can edge her right back to square one.
Tongue/Neck Fatigue
The Typical Question: The hardest thing about cunnilingus is how long it can take and how tired my tongue gets. Sometimes it seems like it happens right away. Other times it feels like 30 minutes.
My Best Answer: I was once with a lover who was complaining about his neck, back and knees while he was (lazily) going down on me. Don’t be that guy. It’s hard to come when you’re busy rolling your eyes. That said, as a woman who has thrown out her neck giving head, I understand that oral sex can be challenging when you’ve been at it for a while. Pillows under her hips are definitely helpful, and one man who DM’d me suggests that “besides the pillow, an angle that’s worked pretty well for me (and women seem to enjoy also) is me laying slightly to the side, my feet near her head.”
As far as tongue fatigue goes, you can avoid that later by spending more time teasing us earlier. Dan writes, “The men/women who have issues with tongue/jaw cramping and neck pain are ones who think they can snatch the panties off, start licking and she’ll cum. What you do before the panties come off is just as important.”
For proven warm-up tips, I consulted Jack Lawrence, Adultcon winner for Best Actor Oral Performance. His suggestions on how to amp up the teasing/anticipation — and save your tongue strength in the process:
“I spend a minimum of 20 minutes sucking/kissing/licking the panty line. Breathing the hottest breath through the panties. Then long licks, slowly working their way into the inner folds, spreading legs wide. That’s followed by more teasing and hot breath on her pussy lips. I wet my fingertips and start at the bottom, as if there were three tongues. I then flatten my tongue and concentrate on making it as wide and luscious as humanly possible. It’s the slowest lick you ever felt.”
Inconsistency
The Typical Question: The challenge I have is the variability of a woman’s response. One day she goes wild and has an orgasm in five minutes, but other times, it takes much, much longer. That’s when I start to worry. It’s like, “Am I doing it wrong? Should I change to something else?”
My Best Answer: Here’s a fun fact — even when I masturbate, it never takes the same amount of time to make myself cum because depending on where I’m at in my cycle and what’s going on in my head determines a lot. When I’m ovulating, my clit is super sensitive, and I can cum readily and over and over again. However, the week before my period (which according to my period tracker app is a “dry” week) it’s harder to achieve orgasm.
Don’t take it personally. If something works 80 percent of the time, it’s probably her hormones the other 20 percent. If the reverse is true — it only works 20 percent of the time and the other 80 percent is nowheresville — it’s you, and you should ask her for some constructive criticism.
More than anything else, though, if you’re trying to rush things — or trying to prove something to yourself by making us orgasm — it’s going to be completely transparent and only prolong the process. Plus, sometimes I don’t cum at all, and that’s okay — an orgasm isn’t always the goal. Sometimes we just want to be penetrated, and the oral is a great way to fire up the nerve endings and lube up the yoni (hippie slang for the vulva).
Getting Over the Hump
The Typical Question: Something I struggle with is once I get a girl to the edge and about to climax, I find it hard to get her over that hump. It seems like she’s right on the edge for a prolonged period of time. I try not to vary my technique or whatever I happen to be doing because it worked up to that point. But it still doesn’t seem to help.
My Best Answer: There’s a moment when a woman is on the edge of the cliff, about to fall into bliss — her breathing heavy, her limbs taught and her anticipation undeniable. She’s almost, almost at the point of no return. Never getting to that point, though — or remaining on the cliff of cumming — can be enormously frustrating for both parties. This is the moment that doing exactly what you’re doing, but just a little bit harder or faster or with a bit more pressure, can make all the difference.
Sometimes it’s just not going to happen though. Sometimes you move at exactly the wrong second; sometimes it’s her hearing the dryer go off; and sometimes something just isn’t gelling, in which case you’ll get tapped out.
However, if you know you’re going to cum quickly once you start fornicating, do your very best to get her to the finish line first. That way she’s assured at least one orgasm and won’t be left staring at the ceiling, orgasmless, silently contemplating her disappointment in you as a lover while you catch your breath next to her.
To Finger or Not to Finger
The Typical Question: Finger in or no? Want it just on the clitoris or all over? Is your b-hole in play?
My Best Answer: This is where communication is especially important because every woman is different. My b-hole is sometimes in play and sometimes not in play. Either way, I won’t hesitate to let a man know where I stand — usually by clenching my butt cheeks and saying, “NOPE.” Fingers, however, are welcome. Some woman cum with just external stimulation; others are purely internal. Some require both.
Lack of Direction/Communication
The Typical Question: My biggest challenge is that the girl never helps out. They become quiet and shy and won’t tell me what to do. When a girl is sucking my dick, I’m a director — telling her how I like it and where I like it. I tell her every update along the way. But with every girl I’ve gone down on, it becomes a guessing game.
My Best Answer: A lot of men expressed this as an issue, and it got me thinking about why we become so quiet at such moments. For me at least, it’s because I’m concentrating. A quick glimpse into my mind when a guy is going down on me:
Fuck, I knew I should have shaved this morning. Did I pay that parking ticket? Oh God, I hope I don’t have toilet paper residue in my b-hole. Ooh, that feels good. Stay right there, don’t — goddammit he moved. Do I have condoms? Wow, I never noticed that mole before, he should really get that che — GODDAMMIT, COME BACK COME BACK. Oooooooh yeah, there we go. That feels good. I really need to talk to my therapist about this hypercritical thing as a way to guard myself from intimacy. Oh yeah, that’s nice. There we go….
It’s a goddamn jungle in there, and just being able to surrender, let go of to-do lists and self-consciousness and allow myself to enjoy the experience requires Zen-master levels of mindfulness. Music helps keep me in the moment. So does communication — or better put, asking for direction and dirty talk that doesn’t feel forced. To that end, it’s okay to ask a woman what she likes when you’re eating her pussy; in fact, it’s sexy. It’s really about striking a balance between every once in a while asking, “Do you like that?” or “You like the pressure softer or harder?” and paying close attention to her moans, groans and body movements. Because there’s nothing more un-sexy than constantly asking, “Is that okay? Is that okay?”
Odor
The Typical Question: I live in Florida, it gets hot and sweaty, and a stank can definitely build up in those under regions and not every trip downtown is pre-planned.
My Best Answer: This one is the hardest to formulate an answer for because it’s a sensitive subject and so many women feel shame about it, which the culture reinforces with unnecessary douching and unfunny fish jokes. And while I don’t like to repeat myself, you’re just gonna have to deal with it. (Unless your lady’s scent was once great and has changed — that can mean there’s an infection; if that’s the case, have a conversation with her about it.) After all, it can very much be an acquired taste (although some men LOVE it right from the start) and not all women taste the same, so don’t write it off until you’ve done your due diligence. If you absolutely can’t stomach it, find yourself someone who…
…Doesn’t Like It
The Typical Question: My wife isn’t a huge fan of cunnilingus, and I’ve never had complaints before, so I’m not sure if the issue is my method, or some kind of mental block for her. What would you recommend for me to break through that barrier and help her enjoy it more?
But wait, there’s more: She’s super uncomfortable with it, and no matter what i say, she absolutely will not let me.
So, so, so much more: Late 30s married couple. This was previously one of my favorite activities, and we engaged in it often. But ever since our kids were born, my wife has almost completely ended it. She said she’s uncomfortable with it now, because she feels different down there. I’m bummed as I at least thought we both enjoyed it pre-kids. Not sure how to make her comfortable with it again.
I don’t want to avoid this question because after scent, it’s the MOST common challenge men face in regards to cunnilingus, but in all honesty, it deserves its own column. In other words, stay tuned…
Bridget Phetasy
Bridget Phetasy is a contributing writer at MEL. She formerly wrote for Playboy.
