Jade yoni eggs went viral last weekend. At least, the cultural debate around them did. Let me rewind. Earlier this year, Gwyneth Paltrow’s lifestyle publication Goop ran an interview about the use of jade yoni eggs, in which a woman explains how regularly inserting the solid jade ovals into her vagina improved her sexual vitality, strengthened her vaginal walls and cleared her energetic pathways. Critics, including one OB/GYN whose condemnation of Goop’s Yoni Egg Industrial Complex was picked up by several media outlets, claimed the story lacked scientific backing and ignored possible health risks for women, such as toxic shock syndrome.
It took a couple of months, but Goop finally responded to the takedown a few days ago with their own story, “Uncensored: A Word From Our Doctors,” in which they defended the medical professionals on their team and reminded readers their stories are meant to “induce conversation,” not replace professional medical advice (definitely a contradiction of sorts).
Many have since scoffed at Goop’s defense as being shrouded in the same misguided privilege that makes Goop hated by so many people in the first place. (Any improved vaginal health or increased yoni egg curiosity is mostly a byproduct of the fact that everyone loves to talk shit about Goop.) Also, like all things Goop, it’s been exclusively thought of as a female thing — it does, after all, involve a vaginal egg.
But that’s not necessarily true: There are “cosmic health” practices for male sex lives, too.
Namely, the crystal “sexual instrument” line of cock rings and butt plugs from Chakrubs. While its products may not be up for debate in the same way as Goop’s vaginal eggs (yet), each item is made from 100 percent natural crystal and stone and can be used for sex, meditation or some combination therein. The idea of sacred sex isn’t new, but the idea of sacred cock rings and butt plugs most definitely is.
Cock rings seem to be the most mainstream of all male sex toys due to the fact that they can keep erections harder — and for longer. Chakrub cock rings are carved from blocks of obsidian, a naturally occurring volcanic glass, and are sold as a set of two. According to Vanessa Cuccia, founder of Chakrubs, they’re “definitely for more advanced cock ring users if used typically, as in wrapped around the base of the cock and the balls” because they aren’t stretchy.
But novices, don’t fret: Cuccia adds that a lot of guys love using it as a masturbatory sleeve, which is a much easier starting point. “You can slide one up and down the shaft and enjoy the pleasure of the smoothness of the crystal. You can also run it under hot or cold tap water to add to your sensation. You’re still benefiting from the metaphysical properties of the crystal as well.”
What exactly are those metaphysical properties? Proponents of crystal therapy believe obsidian is a stone that strongly counters negative thoughts and feelings, especially your own self-deprecating fear and judgment. Or as Cuccia puts it for this context: “These really put you in touch with the beauty and vitality of the cock and its full potential.”
The Root is an obsidian butt plug that aims to go beyond getting you off (while still stimulating your prostate). According to its product description, “Black Obsidian assists the user in facing up to one’s true self, taking you deep into the subconscious mind, allowing you to access blocked energy in order to release.” In this way, it’s sort of like drinking activated charcoal lemonade to detox your body from fat and booze, except The Root is intended to cleanse your consciousness of sexual insecurity and shame, as well as draining psychic energy “leftovers” from your past partners.
“Overcoming the fears and insecurities related to our sexuality can be an extremely daunting task. Men especially lack resources to explore this aspect of themselves and might have to resist internal dialogues that tell them such exploration is meant for women. … The obsidian heals the root chakra trauma that occurs when you’re taught dysfunctional beliefs about sexuality, and is going to raise that energy up through the higher chakras so that sex moves beyond getting off and into enjoying emotional sensuality with both yourself and others,” Chakrubs blogger Danielle Dorsey writes.
This curved toy is essentially doubled-ended, with one side meant for stimulating her G-spot and the other for his prostate. “Our love making was way more intense than it had ever been,” brags one couple in the testimonials section of the Chakrub site. “We have been having sex together for 30 years, so we know what gets each other off, but this was the best most intense we have ever felt.”
So you can look at it one of two ways (depending on your level of skepticism): Any of these products might restore the free flow of your kundalini energy and color your life with fresh creativity and passion.
Or they might just make you cum.