sexacts

Are Sex Acts Like the ‘Dirty Sanchez’ and ‘Blumpkin’ Real?

Oh, they’re so very, very real

If you’re Extremely Online, you’re well aware of Urban Dictionary, a crowd-sourced site founded in 1999 where anyone can define popular and not-so-popular slang, including really outrageous sex acts. As amusing as a some of these sex acts might be, though, you have to wonder if anyone actually does them. Are men, for example, really circle-jerking around a biscuit and forcing the last person to ejaculate to eat the cum-soaked pastry (the iconic limp biscuit)? I hope not, but the idea of it is almost enough to make me lose my love of both semen and biscuits — two great tastes that I imagine don’t taste great together.

But before sex acts got super wacky on Urban Dictionary, there was what we might refer to as the original canon. These OG legendary sex acts — like the Dirty Sanchez, the Blumpkin and the Cleveland Steamer — were out there, but they were also within the realm of possibility. You already jerk off guys from behind and eat ass, why not combine them into one act and scratch something off your sexual bucket list?

Maybe I’m naive, but I tend to buy a lot of these wilder sex acts. People have very specific fantasies! I mean very specific. I once saw a man on Craigslist with a fantasy inspired by the incest classic, Flowers in the Attic. He wanted to lay underneath a glass table and watch a woman cover it in, I’m guessing, arsenic-free powdered sugar before she defecated over his face — kind of like his own version of a glass shark tunnel, all the thrill of being close to the danger but still safe from the sharks/shit. (And yes, not screen-grabbing that post is one of my biggest life regrets.)

I myself have been pushed to depraved points, mostly via text. Let’s just say at some point I went from shock that someone wanted me to shit in their mouth to texting him that I would fart first so he knew it was coming. The instant boner it gave him was intoxicating, but in my heart, I knew I’d never actually do it. Luckily, he got a girlfriend, the texts stopped and now when I see their lovey-dovey Instagram posts, I have the pleasure of thinking, Yeah, but does she promise to shit in your mouth?

So as someone who has dipped her toe into fantasy coprophilia, even if it was mostly for the LOLs, I’m almost comforted by the knowledge that there are way more pervs out there doing way more depraved things than me. Or better put, whether it was always their fantasy or just something they wanted to claim they did to get a Reddit upvote, these Urban Dictionary sex acts have allegedly been done IRL, and luckily for us, publicly boasted about.

The Dirty Sanchez

The Dirty Sanchez was probably the first ridiculous sex act that I ever heard of, and it really achieves the Urban Dictionary trifecta: it’s kinda sexist, kinda racist and full-on questionable. It’s believed to have had its origins as almost an ass-to-mouth blooper. Because legend has it that when a porn actor tried to take his dick from said ass to said mouth, he fumbled on entry and unintentionally gave his partner a thick brown ‘stache. I can almost hear the laughter echoing throughout the empty San Fernando Valley McMansion where they were filming.

The Dirty Sanchez is peppered all over the pop culture map, including The 40-Year-Old Virgin and Rick and Morty, but it really reached its zenith in Saved By the Bell star Dustin Diamond’s 2016 sex tape. Now everything about Screech’s sex tape is kind of sketchy, from its “accidental leak” to the fact that Screech and his member are never seen together in the same frame. Screech, we need at least one establishing shot of your dick holding that day’s newspaper. GIVE US SOMETHING.

The Dirty Sanchez in the tape also has some veracity issues. Yes, a finger goes into a butthole, and then we see a finger wipe what could only be described as the essence of feces onto another woman’s upper lip. That woman reacts to the supposed smell, giving a reaction that’s as phony as when a woman in porn pretends she can’t handle a really big dick. Needless to say, it left me with questions.

Was it tricky editing or an actual Dirty Sanchez? Whatever the case, Screech is now so connected to the act, that people on Urban Dictionary are petitioning to rename it the Dirty Screech. Whatever it’s called, I feel like I should get credit for managing to enjoy sex again after watching it.

The Blumpkin

Honestly, before I knew what it was, I thought the word “Blumpkin” sounded pretty cute. Then I found out it describes a guy getting oral sex while he’s sitting on the toilet going No. 2. So now when I hear the word “Blumpkin,” I imagine that’s the sound that’s made when a man is cumming at the same time he plops.

There are also Reverse Blumpkins, where the girl is giving a blow job while she herself is on the toilet going number two, as well as Clumpkins, where the lady is getting oral sex while sitting on the toilet. Whatever the combo might be, the Blumpkin has been referenced in everything from South Park to the last season of Fargo. It’s even made headlines in the real world, most notably in connection to The Howard Stern Show. Before he had the filthy freedom of satellite radio, Stern had to contend with the FCC, and was fined $27,500 in 2001 for a Blumpkin-related conversation he had in which he also referred to an anus as a balloon knot.

Reddit is full of guys willing to share their oftentimes drunken Blumpkins. Redditor time_2shine even did an AMA about the time his wife went way beyond what was promised in her wedding vows. We know how most Blumpkins start (alcohol), but what I really wanted to know was how do they end? While the tread was close, a kindred spirit thankfully asked the question for me, and time_2shine delivered: “I didn’t flush until I’d taken care of both duties… She handled the smell like a champ! She was pretty drunk, so she didn’t seem to mind… Although the first thing she said after swallowing is ‘it stinks!!’”

Who says romance is dead?

My drunk wife gave me a blumpkin last evening, AMA! from casualiama

The Cleveland Steamer

I knew what a Cleveland Steamer was before I knew what it was called. That is, years ago, I was working at a restaurant waiting for drinks at the bar, when I heard the bartender scream, “I don’t care how much it turns him on, I’m not shitting on his chest while he eats me out.” So when I later heard the act had an actual name — the Cleveland Steamer — I was already well-versed in the fact that chest shitting was a real thing.

Now, it might not be surprising to know when I looked for examples of people who have shat on chests or been shat upon, a lot of the stories involved being let’s say, brownout drunk. Not enough to black out, but enough for some chest shitting. To that end (pun unavoidable), one redditor gave us The Odyssey of Cleveland Steamer stories. You should read the whole thing, but the following passage nicely illustrates the pressure of pooping in public times a million: “I look down at her, and she’s watching my asshole in anticipation while furiously frigging herself. My boner is quickly fading, so I try with all my might to pinch one off.”

Has anybody here ever performed a legendary sex act such as a "Dirty Sanchez" or "Cincinnati Bowtie"? from AskReddit

Of course, there are always new frontiers to conquer, too. Case in point: A friend who is immersed in the kink world was once telling me about all the debauched things he was doing to his submissive. I jokingly mentioned he should put pancake batter in the guy’s ass and make him squirt it out onto a griddle. My friend quickly added that he’d then make the guy eat the ass-batter pancakes. TL;DR: I’m inadvertently responsible for a guy eating ass pancakes.

But what I’m really saying is: THESE THINGS HAPPEN.

I haven’t made up an Urban Dictionary definition for the act yet, but I’m already fantasizing about a new viral campaign idea for IHOP that will make way more headlines than their rebranding as IHOb did. Even better, maybe “Flapjacking” will be the next Alabama Hot Pocket? A girl can certainly dream.