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All the Times We Ruined Sex in 2017

From cancer sex to sad sex to the sexualization of Tony the Tiger, we really shat the bed this year

We’ve written a lot about sex this year. Some of it was arousing, some of it was introspective, but by and large, most of our sex content read more like a cautionary tale than erotica. Why? Because we’ve made it our job to bring you the facts, even when those facts make it so that you never want to have sex ever again.

Let’s start with a real downer: There’s a whole bunch of stuff to do with sex that might end up giving you cancer. At least five, in fact:

All the Sex Things That Could Cause Cancer

While we’re on the subject, did you know that your semen is carcinogenic?

Why There Are Carcinogens in Your Sperm

Possibly weirder news: There are a ton of straight dudes out there having sex that they don’t actually want to have:

Why Do Young Straight Men Have Sex They Don’t Want?

And they’re far from the only guys out there who feel miserable once they’ve come:

Science Wants to Figure Out Why Men Get Sad After Sex

But don’t be sad — if your current fling isn’t making you happy, you can just pretend they are someone else:

Everyone Thinks About Other People During Sex Sometimes

Some people, in fact, are probably thinking about Tony the Tiger while they’re screwing:

How Tony the Tiger Became the Most Sexually Objectified Breakfast Mascot

Or Mario:

Mario Is the Latest Childhood Icon to Be Sexualized by the Internet

All of this makes sense, considering we found out that we all feel weird about sex (according to our Google searches, at least):

Our Google Searches Reveal We’re All Insecure Weirdos About Sex, Bodies

Perhaps we should stop typing in these awkward search terms and retrain those fingers to do something more worthwhile:

Fingering Is the Most Important Sex Act You’re Doing Wrong, or Not At All

This is only part of the reason your wedding night sex will probably suck, however:

Your Wedding Night Sex Will Probably Suck—and That’s Totally Normal

We also tackled some of the big, important philosophical questions of the day:

Why Do Guys Always Announce When They’re Going to Cum?

Don’t even get us started on peeing after sex, though. It’s an absolute shit (piss?) show:

All the Problems With Your Pee After Sex (and How to Fix Them)

Another fun fact we uncovered: If you’re a guy who’s really, really into working out, your sex life will suffer:

Intense Exercise Can Hurt Your Libido

Possibly related: There’s never a good time to tell your partner you have a small penis. We’re so, so sorry:

When’s the Best Time to Tell Your Partner You Have a Small Penis?

Still, if you’re reduced to self-love, know that you can always do it better:

My Afternoon With a Masturbation Coach

But don’t end up fucking a robot. Please:

The Men Committed to Replacing Women With A.I. Sex Dolls

We’ll leave you with this charming mental image. You’re welcome:

Old Men Are Fucking Themselves to Death