Food may be the way to your heart, but it can also, y’know, stop your heart. That’s the real underlying message from our food coverage in 2017 — that fact that everything you love is absolutely terrible for you. Below, you’ll find every food (and drink) we found to be undeserving of your stomach this year.
Taco Bell’s Fresco Menu: A sadder, beige-y version of the real thing that’s packed with enough sodium to leave your tongue feeling like a swollen slug.
Processed Cheese: Arguably not actually food, considering many of these products don’t even contain cheese or real milk.
The Naked Chicken Chalupa: Not quite fried chicken, and not quite a chalupa, with a comedown that’s both swift and unsettling.
Hooters Wings: A basket of 1,700 calories. That is all.
Doritos Nacho Cheese Tortilla Chips: A cheese-dust-covered grenade bent on blasting your insides to bits.
Diet Coke: It might not have the calories that a regular Coke does, but it still manages to make you fat.
Hamburgers: A test of a range of fast-food burgers found that the amount of real meat in them ranged from just two to 14 percent. Mmm, offal.
Twinkies, Mountain Dew, Taco Bell, Candy Bars, Chicken McNuggets, Skittles and Everything Else Beloved By Athletes: A combination of gut issues, caffeine dependency, poor athletic performance and diabetes.
Salad, Spaghetti, Ribs and Wings, Big Macs, Kebabs, Carbonated Beverages, Seeds, Sun-Dried Tomatoes, Spinach, Seafood or Shellfish, Garlic and Onions, Spicy Foods, soups, Anything on the Dollar Menu, Foods Containing Corn, Anything Tartare, Cruciferous Vegetables, Dairy, Beans, Tacos and Burritos, Anything with Red Sauce, a Full Lobster, Lamb Chops, Gigantic Sandwiches and Subs, Onion Rings, Curry, Crudité, Veal, Watermelon, Ice Cream and Pesto: Apparently, you need to avoid every one of these things if you’re out on a date.
Oreo Peeps, the Halloween Whopper, Anything Containing Red #40, Kale, Beets, Red Wine and Glitter Pills: Each one guaranteed, in its own unique way, to make your shit a color so weird you’ll shit yourself all over again.
The Big Mac: 60-plus ingredients, expertly combined to wage war on every single part of your body.
Tom Brady’s Diet: Expensive, unfulfilling, unappetizing and so time-consuming you’ll never see your friends ever again.
Avocados: Expensive, distracting, surprisingly political and likely to result in an injured hand.
Grilled Meats: CANCER!
Iced Coffee: Not as smooth and uplifting as cold brew.
The Dodger Dog: 12 inches of diabetes, obesity and heart failure.
Everything in the Vending Machine: Enough carbohydrates to burst your buttons, plus sluggishness to boot. And that’s the healthy options.
Starbucks Mocha Frappuccino: A milkshake some marketing genius convinced you was a coffee.
Candy, Ice Cream, Chocolate, Coffee, French Fries, Burritos, Chinese Food, Onions, Chiles, Garlic, Hot Sauce, Alcohol and Chicken: Want a bad night’s sleep? Eat any of the above.
Doughnuts: Double your daily allowance of sugar before you’ve even had lunch.
Frosted Flakes: “Big orange cummies” is all we’re going to say here. You can find out the rest for yourself. Good luck, and we’re sorry.
The Jimmy Dean Bacon, Egg & Cheese Biscuit: Worse for you than sticking your own head in the microwave and frying it for two-and-a-half minutes.
Fruit: Multi-colored sugar bombs pretending to be healthier than they really are.
Carbs: A means to developing food addiction, and from there, obesity.
Bottled Water: A sucker’s way of paying more money for tap water.
Limes: Margarita garnishes covered in E. coli. Yay!
Mixed Meats: A combo-platter for those searching for a sore belly and an even sorer behind.
Salad Dressing: The thing that makes your salad taste good, but also defeats the point of eating a salad.
Alcohol, Juice and Soda: Calories, calories and MORE CALORIES! Now in liquid form.
Candy Corn: Too much goddamn sugar! Also, these are just gross.
Kraft Turkey Stuffing Mix: Ingredients stolen directly from Death’s pantry.
