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A Sex Guide for People Whose Partners Won’t Go Down on Them

The latest installment of our series The ‘Normal’ Couples’ Guide to Sex

Not ecstatic about your current sex life? Don’t have hours every day attempting to decipher all the sanskrit in the Kama Sutra? Unable to bankroll a shopping spree (or a single purchase for that matter) at Jimmyjane? Here’s a sex help guide for you, fellow regular human who wants to be better in bed.

The Person

Tracy, Raleigh, North Carolina
Goal: To get her boyfriend to give her oral sex and more orgasms in general

The Sex Situation: “I’m seeing a man who’s 18 years older than me,” explains Tracy. “It’s basically a see-where-things-go relationship. We see each other at least twice a week and try to go out dancing or have dinner. He works long hours and goes to school; he’s getting his GED. Originally, he’s from Mexico, but he’s been here since he was a teenager. There are sometimes language barriers with texting, but for the most part, we understand each other fairly well. In bed, he’s very sweet and takes his time, but he needs to work on sensually exploring the body.”

The Obstacle: “He’s never gone down on a woman before,” says Tracy. “He’s open to it, but shy. I’m also hairy down there. I don’t shave because I’m sensitive, but I do trim. I’ll make an effort to shave for his first time [giving oral sex], though.”

What She’s Tried: “He seems responsive to breast play, which I love,” Tracy says. “I also like a little whipping for the sting and the soothing after so he’s started to spank me a little, gently. I’m getting him to master delicious ass grabs during sex, too. All in all, he’s tried a lot more with me than he’s ever done before.”

The Goal: “In addition to the one specific goal [of oral sex], I’d also like to come more regularly in general. I can get myself wet from stimulation, but I want longer play. When it happens, it’s been extremely hot — I like to be driven mad from teasing! But it doesn’t happen nearly enough.”

The Plan

Getting to Oral: “Because your initial question was about how to invite your partner to experience oral for the first time in his life at age 49, we thought we’d start there,” say sex experts Danielle Harel and Celeste Hirschman, the authors of Making Love Real and Cockfidence, and the creators of the experiential Somatica Method of Sex and Relationship Coaching. “You already have some good ideas, like preparing yourself so that your lickable parts are as smooth, accessible and inviting as possible. Even before that, we encourage you to have an enticing talk with him or share an erotic fantasy that includes oral sex. So often, when we think about sexual communication, we fear that it will be an awkward, dry experience. But you can communicate the specifics of your sexual desires in a very sexy way by cuddling up next to him in bed and whispering in his ear exactly what you want him to do to you.”

Teaching the Tease: “Since it sounds like a big part of what arouses you is the feeling of anticipation and teasing, this might be a great lead-up to oral sex and doesn’t actually have to take that long,” explain Harel and Hirschman. “After all, it sounds like he’s a very busy man!

“Before you teach him to how to tease, however, the first thing to do is to figure out where you like to be teased. Think of the parts of your body that respond best to light, teasing touch. Many women say that they love the back of their neck or lower back [to be touched], as well as their inner thighs and hips teased.

“That said, we’ve found the best way to teach a tease is to give a tease, so lay him down on his stomach and start gently teasing the back of his neck with your fingertips. Next, kiss the back of his neck slowly, breathing on his neck and near his ear. Then, take one good bite on his shoulder (if you want to be bitten back). Finally, kiss down to his lower back (and wherever else you like to be kissed on the back of your body).

“Once you’ve done a good, thorough job there, ask him to turn over and give him the tease on the front of his body that you’d like most. Perhaps it’s around the edges of his pecs before moving to his nipples. Maybe you’re stroking and kissing his inner thighs. There’s nothing like a little give-and-take so, if you want him to give you oral after a good tease, perhaps you can tease him with the start of a blowjob and tell him you’ll give him the rest as soon as he takes his turn teasing you.”

Using His Fingers (and a Vibe): “If you want to increase your number of orgasms as well as their intensity, his fingers on your G-spot may be the best answer,” say Harel and Hirschman. “Since many women need some kind of clitoral stimulation in order to come, we always use our vibrators when our partners have their fingers inside us. Because the most intense orgasms come from strong G-spot stimulation, it’s helpful to have equally strong clitoral stimulation — and a tongue or his other hand might not be enough and might also be difficult to coordinate.

“What you can do is ask him to put his fingers deep inside of you and then, instead of just thrusting in and out, curl his fingers up toward the top wall of your vagina before making the ‘come here’ motion over and over again, which generally works a lot better than too much in-and-out. At the same time, you can use your vibrator on your clit.”

The Reaction

Do You Think Talking About Your Fantasies Will Work? “The talk of oral fantasies may be very interesting to try,” says Tracy. “We’ve definitely talked about what other [fantasies] seem taboo and moved beyond that. And it seems easier to talk about how certain aspects of [oral sex] turn me on.”

How About the Advice on Teasing? “To his credit, he already knows exactly where to kiss and lick me and make me squirm. I’m very vocal, and he’s in love with that. I just want a little more reciprocation during the sex part. Right now, he does all the teasing/relaxing touch before sleep, which is weird and cute. So it’s a process of communication, which [this suggestion] makes for a great reminder of.”

Is Using His Fingers an Idea You Like? “I do love his hands! But since I’m sensitive to touch, I think it’s best for him to start lightly touching and massaging around the labia. I’ve described how kissing him gets me very wet, and he likes to investigate. I’m not sure if he’d be into the vibrator thing — and I’m light on the toys. That said, he has enjoyed watching me use a glass dildo.”