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A Sex Guide for People Whose Partners Want Way More Anal Than They Do

The latest installment of our series The ‘Normal’ Couples’ Guide to Sex

Not ecstatic about your current sex life? Don’t have hours every day attempting to decipher all the Sanskrit in the Kama Sutra? Unable to bankroll a shopping spree (or a single purchase for that matter) at Jimmyjane? Here’s a sex help guide for you, fellow regular human who wants to be better in bed.

The Person

Dolly, New York City
Goal: To get her boyfriend interested in more than just anal sex.

The Sex Situation: “I’m in a fairly new monogamous relationship — about five months in — with a Canadian man who can only really get off doing anal,” says Dolly. “He’s big, too — 9 inches or so, and with a wide girth as well.”

The Obstacle: “I don’t really mind anal, but since he’s so big, it can be a lot to do it all the time,” Dolly continues. “Plus, I don’t always have time to prepare properly. I work in nightlife at like five different jobs, but he has more of a day job, so our schedules don’t always match up. We see each other a few times a week when we can, but we don’t always have the time to prepare for anal — and he gets kind of grossed out if things get, you know, messy. If we could have vaginal sex sometimes, it would make it easier to have a quickie. And it would give my butt a break!”

What She’s Tried: “We’ve tried vaginal sex, but he doesn’t enjoy it as much, and we usually end up finishing with anal anyway,” says Dolly. “I asked him about it, and he said something about it being more points of contact. I guess I have a shallow vagina, so maybe his 9 inches doesn’t fit inside the whole way?”

The Goal: “I’d like to know if there are ways that I can make vaginal intercourse more fun for him. I don’t have a lot of time to devote to convincing him because of our different and busy schedules, but I’m willing to try whatever will work!”

The Plan

Communicate Your Own Desires: “The first thing I’d like to point out, is that your pleasure matters, not just his,” says Madison Young, a sexual revolutionary, author and sex educator. “You matter, and your pleasure matters. It’s awesome that he knows one thing that feels good to him and that he’s able to communicate that to you, but that’s just the beginning of the conversation.

“Think about what sex acts get you really hot: What brings you to orgasm? Do you like dirty talk? Blow jobs? Using sex toys? Try instructing your partner in the art of making you come and cultivating his experience of receiving pleasure from gifting you pleasure. Ask him to give you oral sex while using a sex toy or stimulating you vaginally. Use your words to really guide him through what feels good to you.

“After all, it’s your body, and therefore, it’s important to communicate to your partner your limits and boundaries as well as what things you’d like to explore. So if you’re currently having anal sex more than what feels comfortable, make sure to say that.”

Reshape His Brain With Other Sex Acts: “When we find our way to orgasm, we create a neural pathway that connects specific touch to our brain, signaling the release of pleasure hormones,” explains Young. “Just because anal sex is a deeply ingrained superhighway to your partner’s pleasure hormones doesn’t mean there aren’t other pleasure-inducing sex acts. Or that you can’t build new neural pathways by trying them.

“To do so, experiment together as sexual adventurers. Attend sex workshops. Go to a play party. Watch porn together. They all work in terms of finding different ways for you to turn each other on — and get each other off.”

Really Get Into Anal: “If you’re looking for more ways to enjoy anal sex, think about ways that you can mix things up,” continues Young. “Adding a clitoral vibrator like the Magic Wand can be a great addition to anal sex. It’s also super helpful if there’s plenty of foreplay prior to anal sex. This will get your endorphins flowing and relax your body. You may also want to start with an anal plug or dildo that’s smaller than your partner to warm up.

“Something else I like to do is think about my anus as fucking the cock — as opposed to the idea of having anal done to me for someone else’s pleasure.”

The Reaction

Do You Think You Can Ask Him to “Gift You Pleasure”? “I do. He’s a very giving person,” says Dolly, “and this can include not anal.”

Are More Toys and Foreplay an Option? “Foreplay has never been an issue, but I do think Madison is right about having more toys in the picture. Sometimes I don’t have my toys around because I’m spending the night at his place. I just need to bring them over, but I forget!”

Will You Become Sexual Adventurers? “I’m not sure if he’s open to any adventures like parties, as he’s fairly conservative. Workshops are a possibility, but since it’s still a new-ish relationship, I’d have to carefully bring this up.”

Will You Reframe Your Anal Experiences? “I like how Madison re-paradigmed the perspective that the anus is fucking the cock. That’s a helpful way to mentally guide pleasure. I think I’ll try that this weekend!”