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A Sex Guide for People Who Are Their Own Best Partner in Bed

The latest installment of our series The ‘Normal’ Couples’ Guide to Sex

Not ecstatic about your current sex life? Don’t have hours every day attempting to decipher all of the sanskrit in the Kama Sutra? Unable to bankroll a shopping spree (or a single purchase for that matter) at Jimmyjane? Here’s a sex help guide for you, fellow regular human who wants to be better in bed.

The Person

Madeline, Phoenix, AZ
Goal: To keep her body ready for orgasms, with or without a partner.

The Sex Situation: “I’m a single bisexual woman in my mid-30s,” Madeline tells us. “I date around and have casual sex very occasionally; there can be weeks and even months between hookups for me. I’ve been in relationships where orgasms were few and far between, which is one of the reasons I’ve ended some of them. I feel strongly that even in a hookup situation, I should be having easy, frequent orgasms. Otherwise, what’s the point?”

The Obstacle: “The problem is that when it’s been a while between partners, I find myself in an orgasm rut,” Madeline explains. “It’s quick and easy for me to get off one particular way. But it’s hard for a partner to replicate that. And if I go too long between partners, I find myself having difficulty reaching orgasm at all with them because my body isn’t used to doing this with another person.”

The Goal: “Do you have any advice for keeping my body ‘primed’ to be easily orgasmic with partners, when I’m in a dry spell? Bearing in mind that I don’t have a ton of money for sex toys.”

The Plan

Look Beyond the Hookup: “It’s fantastic that you have high standards for hookup situations and that you’re doing your part to end the orgasm gap,” says Amy Jo Goddard, a sexual educator and author of Woman on Fire: Nine Elements to Wake up Your Erotic Energy, Personal Power and Sexual Intelligence. “However, the best, most orgasmic sex doesn’t often happen in a first-time hookup situation where the person doesn’t yet know your body and the communication around what you like hasn’t had much time to build.”

Make Partner Sex More Like Solo Sex: “You want it easy, quick and dirty,” Goddard continues. “But if you’re always taking the ‘easy route,’ this isn’t always going to line up for partner sex. For instance, if you tend to come quickly with a vibrator — and that’s how you constantly self-pleasure — this will be hard to replicate with your partner. You might need to include your vibrator in partner sex, or you might want to masturbate in other ways. You will have to mix it up with your self-pleasuring so you don’t get accustomed to one way of coming. And you might want to incorporate some of the things you do with partners.”

Use Sex Toys, Even if They’re Not Sex Toys: “It’s unlikely you can easily replicate oral sex on your own, but if you have penetrative sex, you can use your own fingers, dildos or other toys that will allow you to keep your vagina primed for what you like in the way of penetration,” Goddard counsels. “That doesn’t have to cost a lot of money! There are many household items that can be turned into toys. You can buy a cucumber for less than a dollar, wash it, use a condom on it and do just fine. It also allows you to choose your length, girth and firmness. Then, when you have a few bucks to spend, buy your ideal penetrative toy.”

Plan a “Masterdate”: “Put it in your calendar that you will have what I call a ‘Masterdate’ once a week or every two weeks, where you will plan it like you would a date with someone else. Shower, put on sexy garments, light candles, put on music and set the mood for some erotic fun. Dance for yourself, jerk off in front of a mirror, do what you like to do to turn yourself on. You can have your quickies too, but sometimes you’ve got to put a little more skin in the game.”

The Reaction

Do These Suggestions Sound Like They’ll Work for You? “They’re so insightful,” says Madeline. “And yes, what she’s suggesting sounds really doable and actually fun!”

Do You Think You Can Make Your Solo Sex More Like Your Partnered Sex? “Definitely. It sounds like this is a thing I’d have to make into a project, but I’m willing to put in the time because I feel very strongly about it.”

What About Using A Cucumber — Yay or Nay? “That’s one suggestion I might have to think about. I’d definitely never look at cucumbers the same way again.”

Will You Write the Word “Masterdate” on Your Calendar? “Haha, sure!”